One of the harder things about aging is becoming the " parent. " I do not mean parents to your own children but becoming the "parent", to your parents. When our parents become dependant upon us it is sobering. It wouldn't be quite so bad but it is usually accompanied by the loss of other family members and friends. It is quite a combination. No one told me aging would be like this. I was told about responsibility. I was told about my duties as a father and husband. What wasn't emphasized was the moral obligations in life, particularly later in life. The things you must do because it is your obligation to do so, and you are bound only by love. To do anything less would amount to nothing more than abandonment.
Making adult decisions. That is the worst part I believe. It is rather like having the rug pulled from beneath you, you lose your balance. The only thing to do is get up, gather yourself and move ahead. You may be met with opposition but you have no choice. Guilt plays a large role in all of this as well. The emotional toll can be very high. A mixture of sorrow and sometimes anger. Then you have to add in other siblings, other " adults " to the decision making process. That certainly can complicate things. It sure is a test of your confidence in yourself and your own decision making abilities. In some ways, a final exam of sorts ! Passing or failing this exam has lasting implications ! And the thing there is, are there correct answers at all ?
Now my Mom is " getting on " as the saying goes. She is eighty five now but thankfully in good health physically and mentally. My dad passed some years back and she remarried. So the man she married is now 96 years old and showing some signs of it. Forgetfulness and failing health. For both of them completely independant living is becoming an issue. It is something that needs to be addressed for their own well being. And now, someone has to be the " parent. " That task has fallen to my sister in this situation. She lives in Florida and is closest. Chance and circumstance has placed her in that role and I do not envy her. Probably a good thing too, after all she is older than me ! Sorry Millie. I am consulted on the phone and that is taxing in and of itself. Having to provide parental guidance to your parent ? Getting old ain't what I thought it would be. Taking care of Mom.
It is the very things that we learn from our parents that drive us later in life. The values and motivators that propel us. I remember the anger and resentment I sometimes felt when I didn't get my way. The frustration of not having your parents understand the " why" of a situation was infuriating. Then we have our own children and begin to understand. We understand the decisions made by our parents and the why of it. That isn't to say we agree but we understand why. And now my sister and I are faced with that same situation. Mom doesn't want to understand why. That is the real key, the desire. When I was a child I didn't want to understand either. I just turned a deaf ear to it all. Parental nagging and the tired old line, " it is for your own good " just didn't cut it. Still doesn't ! In a strange twist of fate the roles get reversed. And that is aging ! It is an uncomfortable thing and that surprises me. I mean, I've had years to get used to it ! Well, all one can do is their best. You do have to do whatever it is that is best for the other person. If you keep that in mind, at all times, your conscience remains clear. I didn't always believe that about my parents and I'm sure Mom is having her doubts too. It really is about independence isn't it ? The thing is though, we all need each other. God does have a sense of humor and puts us in ironic situations. Mysteries of life left unsolved. Why ? We always want to know why. Sometimes the answer really is, because that is what is best. I always hated that answer. Accepting that is part of aging I guess and I don't like that either.
Making adult decisions. That is the worst part I believe. It is rather like having the rug pulled from beneath you, you lose your balance. The only thing to do is get up, gather yourself and move ahead. You may be met with opposition but you have no choice. Guilt plays a large role in all of this as well. The emotional toll can be very high. A mixture of sorrow and sometimes anger. Then you have to add in other siblings, other " adults " to the decision making process. That certainly can complicate things. It sure is a test of your confidence in yourself and your own decision making abilities. In some ways, a final exam of sorts ! Passing or failing this exam has lasting implications ! And the thing there is, are there correct answers at all ?
Now my Mom is " getting on " as the saying goes. She is eighty five now but thankfully in good health physically and mentally. My dad passed some years back and she remarried. So the man she married is now 96 years old and showing some signs of it. Forgetfulness and failing health. For both of them completely independant living is becoming an issue. It is something that needs to be addressed for their own well being. And now, someone has to be the " parent. " That task has fallen to my sister in this situation. She lives in Florida and is closest. Chance and circumstance has placed her in that role and I do not envy her. Probably a good thing too, after all she is older than me ! Sorry Millie. I am consulted on the phone and that is taxing in and of itself. Having to provide parental guidance to your parent ? Getting old ain't what I thought it would be. Taking care of Mom.
It is the very things that we learn from our parents that drive us later in life. The values and motivators that propel us. I remember the anger and resentment I sometimes felt when I didn't get my way. The frustration of not having your parents understand the " why" of a situation was infuriating. Then we have our own children and begin to understand. We understand the decisions made by our parents and the why of it. That isn't to say we agree but we understand why. And now my sister and I are faced with that same situation. Mom doesn't want to understand why. That is the real key, the desire. When I was a child I didn't want to understand either. I just turned a deaf ear to it all. Parental nagging and the tired old line, " it is for your own good " just didn't cut it. Still doesn't ! In a strange twist of fate the roles get reversed. And that is aging ! It is an uncomfortable thing and that surprises me. I mean, I've had years to get used to it ! Well, all one can do is their best. You do have to do whatever it is that is best for the other person. If you keep that in mind, at all times, your conscience remains clear. I didn't always believe that about my parents and I'm sure Mom is having her doubts too. It really is about independence isn't it ? The thing is though, we all need each other. God does have a sense of humor and puts us in ironic situations. Mysteries of life left unsolved. Why ? We always want to know why. Sometimes the answer really is, because that is what is best. I always hated that answer. Accepting that is part of aging I guess and I don't like that either.
No comments:
Post a Comment