Heal yourself

Forgiving doesn't make it right. It just puts it in the past. That is something I have learned over the years. We all make mistakes and we all need forgiveness in order to move on. The first place that forgiveness must come from is ourselves. The realization and acknowledgement of the wrongdoing is imperative. More importantly perhaps is the understanding that wrongs can not be made right. They can be forgiven but that does not make them right. That being established those wrongs may be placed in the past where they belong, a piece of history. Yes, history repeats itself, I believe that. It usually is the result of not learning from those past mistakes ! We have a way of forgetting. Forgive and forget ! Forgive yes, but forget ? I don't agree with that. That isn't to say that we should harbor resentment towards the mistakes of the past, but we should acknowledge those mistakes. Hearing or saying, I forgive you, it is alright does not excuse the error. It isn't alright. You can not make it right. All you can do is strive to be right in the future. A repetition of the past is not progress. We should strive for progress.
There are times when we repeat our mistakes believing they will somehow be right this time. We think we have learned from the past and discovered the magic loophole. It is always the same, still wrong. Sometimes we believe we can manage wrongdoing in such a way that it is " just a little " wrong. Nothing is farther from the truth. Wrong is wrong. These are the times we just need to get over ourselves ! Admit your mistakes and move on.
I can forgive your initial mistake, but if repeated, they get subsequently more difficult to forgive. This , I believe, is a result of the standard I am using. That standard would be mine. Your standard, your measurement of right and wrong may be different than mine. When that occurs, conflicts arise. I may be injured and you are totally unaware. The words or actions you have chosen as appropriate and justified, by your standards, are contrary to mine, causing this injury. Understanding this I offer forgiveness. The trouble lies in your belief that you did nothing wrong, and in your standards you did not. Now, my forgiveness has been given but that did not make the words or actions " right " in my mind, the injury exists. It is not forgotten. Unless one of us modify our belief system this will continue. As to who is right or wrong that is a separate discussion entirely.
All of this came to mind as I was considering my position in the world. Where I'm at, at the present time. That is to say my mental state. It is your mental state that is the most important. Dwelling on illness and other things you can not control does little good. I have had times when I felt sorry for myself. The reality is I was feeling regret for past mistakes. I had not forgiven myself for those errors. I deserve that forgiveness and it is not a selfish thing to admit that. There is no changing the past and no correction for the mistakes committed there. It is a bitter pill to swallow. I do think that I have " taken my medicine " and should therefore move on. Each day is a new day. A chance for recovery ? Recovery from what ? From not being perfect ? No one is perfect, nor will anyone ever be. I can only hope that my mistakes stay in the past. That much I can control. It is much harder to forgive yourself than it is to forgive others. Others do not have the same standards as ourself, and are not our own standards superior to all others ? The deepest wounds are often self inflicted.