Organized thought is becoming difficult. So many things going through my mind.The realization that life as I knew it has changed makes an impact. I do not look forward with regrets but rather with nervousness. Can I measure up and hold up ? I pray for strength.
I write these words not in the search for sympathy. I write for the same reason I wrote before, a form of therapy. By expressing my thoughts, no matter how scattered, in writing it seems to clarify things. I am a " rules " person. If I see written rules I tend to follow them. I find this has always been so for me. A quirk in my personality ? Perhaps, but it is almost a compulsion. And it is true with almost all written rules I see. Oh, I will go contrary to them on occasion, but those occasions are rare.
I am very much aware when I do and feel uncomfortable with that. Others can also cause me discomfort with their disobeying of the " rules. "
I suppose it has something to do with expectations. Following the rules reduces unexpected results and behaviors. Being a mechanical oriented person by nature I expect things to work and react in a certain fashion. I want things to go by the rules. It's a comforting thing to me. Even when I do not know from first hand experience what the reaction will be I trust those writing the rule do. I think that is why I tend to follow them, I trust others to know.
Now I feel a need to spell out what I expect from myself. It is my hope that by doing so I will write those rules. Then, having written the rules I am somewhat bound to follow them. Sounds a little strange I know but that is how it works with me. The old adage, a man's word is his bond runs deep in me. If it is written down there really is no escape from that obligation. I must not allow my compulsion to follow the rules to become overbearing to others however. That is where conflict begins, the insistence of doing things " my way. " I often feel justified in that action because they are the rules. It can present a bit of a quandary. In the end I should not feel responsible for the decisions of others but I often do, after all, I told them. If I am not persuasive enough is that my fault ? It would seem so to my way of thinking. I am obligated to try and not quit. It is the control of temperament that will be key. Avoiding anger and frustration in the implementation of the rules. To guide by mutual compliance, not by coercion or force is the goal. I think the first " rule " I must remember is, the rules have not changed !" The only thing changed is circumstance.
I write these words not in the search for sympathy. I write for the same reason I wrote before, a form of therapy. By expressing my thoughts, no matter how scattered, in writing it seems to clarify things. I am a " rules " person. If I see written rules I tend to follow them. I find this has always been so for me. A quirk in my personality ? Perhaps, but it is almost a compulsion. And it is true with almost all written rules I see. Oh, I will go contrary to them on occasion, but those occasions are rare.
I am very much aware when I do and feel uncomfortable with that. Others can also cause me discomfort with their disobeying of the " rules. "
I suppose it has something to do with expectations. Following the rules reduces unexpected results and behaviors. Being a mechanical oriented person by nature I expect things to work and react in a certain fashion. I want things to go by the rules. It's a comforting thing to me. Even when I do not know from first hand experience what the reaction will be I trust those writing the rule do. I think that is why I tend to follow them, I trust others to know.
Now I feel a need to spell out what I expect from myself. It is my hope that by doing so I will write those rules. Then, having written the rules I am somewhat bound to follow them. Sounds a little strange I know but that is how it works with me. The old adage, a man's word is his bond runs deep in me. If it is written down there really is no escape from that obligation. I must not allow my compulsion to follow the rules to become overbearing to others however. That is where conflict begins, the insistence of doing things " my way. " I often feel justified in that action because they are the rules. It can present a bit of a quandary. In the end I should not feel responsible for the decisions of others but I often do, after all, I told them. If I am not persuasive enough is that my fault ? It would seem so to my way of thinking. I am obligated to try and not quit. It is the control of temperament that will be key. Avoiding anger and frustration in the implementation of the rules. To guide by mutual compliance, not by coercion or force is the goal. I think the first " rule " I must remember is, the rules have not changed !" The only thing changed is circumstance.
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