Adult decisions

One of the harder things about aging is becoming the " parent. " I do not mean parents to your own children but becoming the "parent", to your parents. When our parents become dependant upon us it is sobering. It wouldn't be quite so bad but it is usually accompanied by the loss of other family members and friends. It is quite a combination. No one told me aging would be like this. I was told about responsibility. I was told about my duties as a father and husband. What wasn't emphasized was the moral obligations in life, particularly later in life. The things you must do because it is your obligation to do so, and you are bound only by love. To do anything less would amount to nothing more than abandonment.
Making adult decisions. That is the worst part I believe. It is rather like having the rug pulled from beneath you, you lose your balance. The only thing to do is get up, gather yourself and move ahead. You may be met with opposition but you have no choice. Guilt plays a large role in all of this as well. The emotional toll can be very high. A mixture of sorrow and sometimes anger. Then you have to add in other siblings, other " adults " to the decision making process. That certainly can complicate things. It sure is a test of your confidence in yourself and your own decision making abilities.  In some ways, a final exam of sorts ! Passing or failing this exam has lasting implications ! And the thing there is, are there correct answers at all ?
Now my Mom is " getting on " as the saying goes. She is eighty five now but thankfully in good health physically and mentally. My dad passed some years back and she remarried. So the man she married is now 96 years old and showing some signs of it. Forgetfulness and failing health. For both of them completely independant living is becoming an issue. It is something that needs to be addressed for their own well being. And now, someone has to be the " parent. " That task has fallen to my sister in this situation. She lives in Florida and is closest. Chance and circumstance has placed her in that role and I do not envy her. Probably a good thing too, after all she is older than me ! Sorry Millie. I am consulted on the phone and that is taxing in and of itself. Having to provide parental guidance to your parent ? Getting old ain't what I thought it would be. Taking care of Mom.
It is the very things that we learn from our parents that drive us later in life. The values and motivators that propel us. I remember the anger and resentment I sometimes felt when I didn't get my way. The frustration of not having your parents understand the " why" of a situation was infuriating. Then we have our own children and begin to understand. We understand the decisions made by our parents and the why of it. That isn't to say we agree but we understand why. And now my sister and I are faced with that same situation. Mom doesn't want to understand why. That is the real key, the desire. When I was a child I didn't want to understand either. I just turned a deaf ear to it all. Parental nagging and the tired old line, " it is for your own good " just didn't cut it. Still doesn't ! In a strange twist of fate the roles get reversed. And that is aging ! It is an uncomfortable thing and that surprises me. I mean, I've had years to get used to it ! Well, all one can do is their best. You do have to do whatever it is that is best for the other person. If you keep that in mind, at all times, your conscience remains clear. I didn't always believe that about my parents and I'm sure Mom is having her doubts too. It really is about independence isn't it ? The thing is though, we all need each other. God does have a sense of humor and puts us in ironic situations. Mysteries of life left unsolved. Why ? We always want to know why. Sometimes the answer really is, because that is what is best. I always hated that answer. Accepting that is part of aging I guess and I don't like that either.

Spoiled or necessary

My wife had a necessary surgical procedure done on Wednesday. It did require an overnight stay at the hospital. The vascular surgeon that we selected works out of Baltimore Washington Memorial .A very nice and modern facility that is part of the University Of Maryland medical system. Everything went extremely well and the level of professionalism was impressive. Still, I dislike hospitals. On the plus side they don't seem to have that same awful smell that they did in the old days. I don't know maybe it has something to do with the majority of hospitals having the word " memorial " in them. I don't like that implication. The hospital where I was born was simply, The Southampton Hospital, and I think it still is. Doesn't sound like it was built in memory of someone that needed a hospital or was at the hospital, know what I mean ?
My wife and I have been blessed with good health. We have had minimal contact with the health care system over the years. As I sat in her private hospital room watching a flat screen television I began to think about that. When I was in the Navy I had my appendix removed. I was placed on a ward. I'm thinking that may be a thing of the past. I do remember when you got a choice, in a civilian hospital, between private and semi-private rooms. At Baltimore-Washington Memorial you go straight to a private room. The room we had was very large. With it's hardwood laminate flooring and large windows I would call it opulent ! I felt special and the care was excellant. The entire staff of the hospital from the man who swept the floor, to the surgeon were attentive and seemed genuinely concerned.
Not having a lot of experience in this health care business I can only speak about what I just went through. The level of care was amazing. There is a practical side in all of this and that is the cost. I haven't received the bill yet. As I was enjoying the luxury of that private room I couldn't help but wonder about the cost. I wondered how much all of this added to the bottom line, not just for me, but overall. That it is comforting and a wonderful thing can not be denied nor overlooked. I wondered though if this is just another example of the " spoiled " American way of doing things. My wife and I certainly enjoyed and appreciated that privacy but is it necessary ? That is the type of thing I was thinking about. Do we really need a flat screen television ? It is all very nice but could the money we spend for the luxuries be better spent helping with the overall cost ? I'm not saying anyone is being privileged above another based on their insurance or ability to pay, I'm just saying perhaps our minimum standard of care is a bit jaded. Are we including too many frivolous costs ? It didn't feel frivolous I will confess to that.
I will say that I am not complaining about the care or the facilities. It did make for the most pleasing experience possible given the circumstances. I haven't lost sight sight of the seriousness of the procedure being performed. I am certain that it all contributes to the well being of the patient. I'm certain that it contributes to healing. It is an amazing thing the level of care available. We were both treated with dignity and respect. Not that I have experience otherwise, but I'm sure glad I am in America ! We are a bit spoiled and I like it.

Gaining Attention

I saw a little article about a lady named Tess Munster. At first it was the " Munster " name that caught my attention. We all remember the Munsters, don't we ? So, the article was about her receiving a modeling contract. As it turns out she is a plus size model. She wears a size twenty. Not being real familiar with womens dress sizes I still recognized that as rather large. I clicked on the article to see a picture of this lady. She has a pretty face and looked attractive enough. Now, I will say I have always liked girls with a fuller figure, as it were. These skinny mini things just don't fit my image of an attractive woman. Think more like Ann Margret or Raquel Welch. Of course that is just personal taste.
The very first thing I noticed about her was the tattoos on her arms. They are not just little cutesy things, they are more like sleeves. I find them repulsive. That is a strong word to use but the one that came to mind. Looking beyond the tattoos I noticed the outfit she was wearing/modeling. She is wearing an outfit that exposes her midriff and accentuate her ample breast. All well and good but combined with the tattoos the image of a circus personality is created. Don't get me wrong, it is not that she is a size twenty that I find repulsive but the tatts. She looks quite lovely otherwise.
I will add, at my own peril, that I think the choice of outfits could have been better. It is not disparaging to exercise good taste. As an example, I do not go around without a shirt on in public, nobody wants to see that ! I don't feel that I'm ugly because of it, just showing a little consideration for others. It really is a matter of discretion.
I can not help but wonder if this " modeling " contract was awarded based on the shock value. Tess Munster, size twenty, covered in tattoos just strikes me as a bit exploitative in nature. Maybe I am wrong and that would be fine. I wish nothing but success to this young lady. I'm sure she has heard it all before and I hope she can endure. She feels like she is breaking new ground and forwarding a cause. Good for her and her point is a valid one. Beauty knows no size ! I just don't understand why she chose to mark it all up. That is another decision based on societal perceptions however. At least her perception of society. Nothing wrong with that as long as it is real to her. Only problem being there is little one can do to change it should fashion change.
The bottom line, good luck and much success to Tess Munster.

A good brother

Last evening I went to a memorial service for my brother Harold. An intimate affair I am sure he enjoyed very much. An old friend and business associate of his spoke at length about him and it was a comfort to all there. The chaplain from the hospital came to speak to us gathered. It was a touching tribute from someone that only brushed his life briefly. Everyone was given the opportunity to speak if they wished and I remained silent. The bible verses from Ecclesiastes keep running through my mind, for everything there is a season and to everything there is a time. My thoughts went to my brother.
Harold was a man of all seasons having done just about everything. A man of many talents and great confidence. I remember him working at Whites Pharmacy, his first job, and before long taking charge. That is the way he was, a take charge of the situation kinda guy. I will not say that he knew everything and was always right, but he would take the bull by the horns !  Fearless I would say. He wrote me letters during his Navy days and sent me a navy magazine. That magazine had a centerfold as an attraction. Modestly clad by todays standards, it was quite the treat for a boy my age, and Mom allowed it because of Harold. He was my big brother and protected me from would be bullies and taught me " things. "
After the service was completed I said my condolences and departed. My wife and daughter in law remarked that they thought I might speak. Yes, they know me and I usually have something to say. I had to think about why I hadn't and I think I have figured that out. I was angry. I was angry at God that he should have taken my brother. To all things there is a season but it didn't have to be that season, not yet ! Yes, there is a time to live and a time to die but I didn't believe it was his time. And so, like a child with his parents, I was angry. I was angry with God. I had forgotten, in my grief, that I am a child of God. And that God knows the time and the season I have no control over that. I acted like a spoiled child.
Some of that is because of my brother. He spoiled me when we were children and to a certain extent to his dying day. He was a larger than life brother and friend. I feel his presence yet and expect I always will. to all things there is a time and a season. I will be with my brother again, in due time. I am forever in his debt and even in his death he continues to teach me things. Now that is a good brother. 

It's just a squall

Today I find myself just listening. That is probably a good thing. We all have times when we should be listening. And listening not so much to others, but to ourselves. I have begun this mornings posting in fits and starts, as the saying goes. Then I listen to what I have written, and am not pleased. I am saying little of value, or interest I think.  I am being a " negative nancy " and I don't like that. Still, I have found no cure for it, just yet.
I feel like I am being faced with a number of situations that I can do nothing about,those uncontrollable incidents in our lives that we all must endure. I realize it is just a part of life and will pass. I also know it feels uncomfortable. I understand that these times are the times that provide a balance. They give us insight and place things in perspective. That doesn't mean I enjoy it. I will persevere.
And so to those of you that read these little postings of mine I wish your day to be a happy one. And that brings me to a thought, a song really. " Some trails are happy ones, others are blue, it's the way you ride the range that counts, here's a happy one for you. "
I'm still sittin' high in the saddle and holdin' my head up high. It'll get better. Or as an old sailor might say,  Fair winds and a following sea are sure to follow a storm.

waiting

Ever have those times when you feel like you are just waiting for things to happen ? You know, not necessarily anything bad or unscheduled, just waiting. That is the way I am feeling this morning. Tomorrow I am going to attend a memorial service for my brother. Hard to believe he has been gone for over a month now. My wife is scheduled for a necessary surgical procedure and everything just feels a little unsettled. Even Facebook is losing its appeal. Maybe it is just the mid winter blahs !
I am in that period where you don't feel like starting anything, but you want something to do. Isn't that a strange thing ? I can not seem to focus my energy on any one thing. Could it be that is a reaction to guilt for not having accomplished some other things I did start ? Karma , baby. Even if I accepted that premise it isn't motivation enough to move me. Just what is it that I am waiting for ? Now that is a good question we should all be asking ourselves. What are we waiting for ? Or perhaps, more importantly, do we need to prepare for whatever that is ? Is that what life is all about ? Preparation for the next phase ? Is that what all of humanity has been doing for thousands of years, preparing for the future ? And what is going to happen in the future ? In our world, all things must end, so why prepare for the end ? How do we prepare for the end ? Is it by building a rocket ship for interstellar travel ? Are we destined to inhabit another world ? I don't know about that.
Now as far as life itself goes I do believe that my spirit will never die. My physical self will certainly wear out one day, that is inevitable. Not much one can do about that but try to take care of what you got. The spiritual is something else that can be worked on. We do that to satisfy that need, the need to know that there is something more. There simply must be more to it than this piece of rock circling a star. To believe that would be terribly deflating. Then to what purpose do you devote yourself ? Would it be the pursuit of money or fame ? Or just to please yourself . If that were the case what is the final reward ?
I'm just in one of those times when I am waiting. I hate waiting. I think that comes from my Navy days. Hurry up and wait. There is nothing I can do to speed up this process and that is frustrating. I need a distraction. Funny thing there is I can't stay focused long enough to be distracted ! And so I'm just sitting around waiting, waiting for something to happen. I have no idea what it is that I am waiting for. I'll just be glad when the wait is over, I hope. 

Selective morality

Have you heard about deflategate ? Do you even care ? I find the whole thing silly. One team deflating the football to make it easier to catch and throw. Whatever. The bottom line to me is this, it is all about money, not sport. People need to realize that. Sure they all talk about sportsmanship but the real truth of the matter is it is a business. The object in business is to make money. In this case the offending team could be fined twenty five thousand dollars. Ha, they spend that much on Gatorade so I doubt it is much of a deterrent.
I am amused by these people that holler about this stuff like they are so offended. They cheated ! These same people think nothing of supporting a lot of other, what I would call immoral, behaviors. Yet they act all surprised that the other team would cheat to win. When millions of dollars are at stake why are they surprised ? The pitiful cries of, but it isn't fair fill the air.
I have been a fan of the New York Yankees all my life. I have heard all about how the Yankees " buy " their championships. I know all the arguments. It isn't fair that the Yankees have more money to spend on players. My response has always been the same. Major league baseball is a business, not a sport. Do not confuse the two. In any business the object is to make money. It takes money to make money ! Period end of discussion. It also helps to gain an edge. Ideally we do that in a moral fashion. Unfortunately business and morality seldom mix. If they went hand in hand we wouldn't need antitrust laws  We also wouldn't have to have rules in football about excessive celebration and taunting ! Neither of which is very sportsman like.
Now I'm not saying deflating the balls is acceptable. I am not saying cheating is alright as long as you don't get caught. What I am saying is, why are people acting so surprised ? It is a business and a big one. Millions of dollars are at stake. It is not about pride and sportsmanship, it is about winning. Steroids were being used in baseball and other sports. Gee, what a surprise. Nascar drivers and their mechanics are always getting caught outside of the rules. That's okay though because they're rednecks.
Now we are going to launch a big investigation into this issue. The rules will be reviewed and revamped in the off season. The super bowl will go forward. Much ado will be made about the balls being used. Speeches will be given about fair play and honor. Blah,blah,blah. This issue will " deflate " over time. Then what will be next ? The wind is blowing, the temperature isn't right or the sun was in my eyes and it isn't fair ! I'll admit I never was a big football fan but this little incident has soured me a bit more, just as the steroid thing did in baseball. Just where are our children supposed to find heroes ? What role models are available ? Not that this stuff didn't go on in the past, it certainly did, it's a business not a sport, but we didn't hear much about it. At the least an illusion of sportsmanship,honor and pride was created. It seems that in the modern time we don't even try. Just put it out there and cry about it. Find someone to blame.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised by any of this. After all there is a very popular show on television entering its' 30th season where the primary object is to win at any cost. Lie, cheat or steal makes no difference as long as you win. It is all about winning ! Survivor. All I did was deflate the ball a little, no big deal, I'm the winner. Why the big stink ? Selective morality ? Very convenient I'll admit that.

Subtle sounds

As I was walking to work yesterday, as I often do, the air was crisp and cool. It being January that wasn't unexpected. The trees are bare and show darkly against a grey sky. Greensboro isn't a very busy place early in the morning, and there are few cars and traffic to disturb the peace of the dawn. Oh we have rush hour alright, lasts a good fifteen to twenty minutes sometimes. As I was walking along the birds were singing their sunrise sonata. I've always enjoyed the sounds of the birds in the early morning. Yesterday morning I noticed something different. For a few seconds I couldn't quite put my finger on just what it was. Then it came to me. In the cold ,crisp air, with the trees stripped bare there was a bit of an echo. But, not really an echo more like a hollow sound. Umm, the sound of January is " hollow. " I suppose you could say winter is hollow. It is a different sound. I expect in the spring, when the leaves return to the trees that will change. The world will become a bit muffled again.
This was just another of those little things that I have noticed over the years. Most of them I have noticed in the last few years, maybe that is because I have been paying more attention. Advancing years will do that for a man. It also makes me think about my ancestors and how their world may have sounded. Growing up on Long Island, around the water, I know those sounds well. The sound of the surf and the squawk of the gulls. When I was young wooden boats were still around and they make their own creaking sounds as they rise and fall with the waves. I found it to be a soothing sound. I know the harsh clank of the rigging against a sailboat's mast. In the woods behind my home the whip"o"  will could be heard and the caty-dids. On clear cold winter nights you would hear an occasional tree branch snap in the darkness, followed by silence. The wind howls in winter but just blows in summer.
I have never been to the mountains for an extended stay. It must be a wonderful thing to roam through the mountains, void of civilization. With no sounds but those that nature provides. Surely that is the influence the native americans felt that inspired their flute playing. Those flutes have a hollow and eerie sound to them, almost a whisper from the Gods. That is a bit of a romantic notion I suppose but a valid one. I wonder too what sounds would be heard on the open plains ?
Modern man sure has done his best to drown out the sounds of nature, and, I believe to our detriment. My walk to work  takes about ten minutes. Down a gentle slope and then up over the river. The river always pleases me in the morning light. Some days I can see the geese or ducks swimming along. On other days the river is just still, a mirror reflecting the trees along the bank. Serene is the word that best describes it. There are days I make the walk with very few cars interrupting and those days are the best.
I am fortunate to live and work here in Greensboro. In some ways it is like living just a few years behind. That is only understood by those that have been a few years back, if you know what I  mean. It was much the same way when I was growing up. Always a few years behind, but happy and content. I can see Greensboro " catching " up and I view it with sorrow. Well, all one can do is enjoy what you have, when you have it. That is a little secret that it takes time to understand. All things change with time. My path has brought me to Greensboro and all is well in the world.
I will finish with this statement. I do not always feel like walking to work but on the days I do, it is wonderful. I highly recommend it. 

Altered perception

It is something I often mention and it came to mind again this morning, how fast time seems to travel. Christmas has long since past and I hear rumors of Valentines day. Apparently Oreo cookies will be available in red velvet. It's all about the marketing. My brother has been gone for a month already and that just doesn't seem possible. In two days my grandson Mark will be fourteen. And just where did those fourteen years go ? It would seem I am approaching the future at break neck speed. I wonder if time will ever slow back down. Hope so, I'm running out of road !
Days, weeks and months all run together now. I have to check the day and date every morning to be certain just where I am. Was a time, not too long ago, when that wasn't so. I would be anxious and waiting, counting the days, now not so much. I find myself reviewing the past more than planning for the future. I don't think that is a bad thing, just something to be aware of. Strange how the good times from the past can make you sad today. Stranger still, when you consider there a lot of them that you wouldn't repeat. But that is one of the ironies in life.
When I was eighteen I left home, joined the Navy. I have moved around quite a bit since then. It is true that I have now lived in Greensboro, Maryland longer than I lived in my hometown. That is another one of those time things. East Hampton is still where I call home. Greensboro is where I live. I believe most of us are that way. I don't think I am done moving yet. I'm not certain I would leave Greensboro, as much as I talk about it, but I do think I will not live in this apartment forever. Call it intuition. I'm just not done yet. I do wonder about those that may have the certain belief or knowledge of their last " living " place. What I mean to say is the place where they will live out the rest of their days. I wonder if any of us can be certain about that ? I would think that it would be a comfort. I also believe that is something that is getting rarer. In the past families stayed in the same home generation after generation. That isn't the case so much anymore. Progress ? I'm not so sure on that front. Perhaps a little more about family, and a little less about me, wouldn't be a bad thing. And the big issue with that whole scenario ? Many family members can't seem to get along anymore. It has become more about me, than us. Well, that may change in the future. History does have a way of repeating itself. I'm all for it.
The romantic view would have me standing on the beach staring out to sea. My great grandson by my side as I tell of days gone by. I would be laid to rest in the cemetery of my ancestors. The reality is quite a bit different. Funny how time changes everything isn't it ? Now don't misunderstand I'm not complaining. So far I've had a wonderful time. Speculation and remembrances are usually better than reality. The future is rushing at me and I can't know what is in store. The way time is moving, I don't have long to wait ! That can sound morbid, but it isn't meant that way. I'm not done moving just yet. Maybe it is just that I'm moving slower, giving the perception that time is moving faster. Relativety. Einstein thought he had a handle on that. Maybe he wasn't that smart after all.

Amish wisdom

I have a few blogs that I read and follow. I enjoy them immensely and they often provide me with food for thought. One such is written by a lady that was once Amish. She and her husband left that lifestyle and joined the " English " as non-Amish are known. She has since become an author and has a series of books being published. These books detail her childhood and being raised Amish.
In her blogs she often mentions things related to her previous life. Things like going to church and their beliefs. For the most part I am fascinated with that. Yesterday she posted a saying, she said, often heard in Amish sermons. " Where the tree falls, there shall it be. " She went on to explain what that meant. She put it something like this, you do not want to die doing anything, or thinking anything, that is not pleasing to God. If you die in that fashion, that is how you shall stay, for eternity ! She went to explain that she had an Uncle that was helping an " English " neighbor and was riding on a four wheeler. He was killed on that four wheeler ! The Amish believe he was doing something not pleasing to God, a forbidden thing, and so shall not be allowed into heaven. She was heartbroken. She does say that since her " conversion " she does not believe that and that her uncle is in heaven.
I must say I like the thought of that statement, " where the tree falls, there shall it be. " I wouldn't take it to the extreme meaning, like the Amish apparently do, but understand the lesson. We should all strive to do only those things that we know to be right. In other words, to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. We do not get second chances in life. There are no do overs. I believe we are accountable to our God for our actions here on earth. I also believe he is a merciful and loving God. I do not believe I can just, find Jesus or belief, moments before my death and be saved. I don't think it works like that.
Using the analogy of the tree I would say we all need to grow. As we grow we will be met with influences. Some of this will be positive and some negative. Our growth depends upon the choices that we make. We will make good and bad. In the end however, when the tree falls, we will be evaluated. If we are not worthy, we will be just left to lie. If we have been pleasing to our God we will be raised again. That is the promise my God has made to me. I think it is a wonderful analogy. It is one I will remember. I'm sure that is the intent of the message. A reminder. It can be a frightening lesson if taught the Amish way. I would not go as far as to condemn their methods of instruction. The lesson is a good one. I can see where it could prove to be a powerful deterrent to wrongdoing. I just don't believe a single action can define my life.
I really enjoy these little bits of wisdom that come along every now and again. Old adages, passed down through generations. They hold so much truth in them. They are basic in their messages. A little more light has been cast into my world and I thank that lady for sharing. Something more to think about and consider.

Another blog,another day

Yesterday I posted a video of myself. I did that in response to one of my own blogs. It is great when you can entertain yourself isn't it ? A little something I learned as a child before there were electronic babysitters and such. In all fairness though, it took electronics to entertain me this time, so. Well, I guess times have changed a bit.
Back in the early part of January I had considered being blind. The blind I was talking about was the blindness of social media. I was thinking about how we can hide behind our screens and only allow others to see what we like. I was really talking about perceptions. And so, I came out from behind my screen and showed the cyber world myself. I admit it was an awkward experience and I felt a little silly and self conscious. I could hear myself saying " pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. " Still, I put it out there and waited for comments. Everyone was more than kind and I appreciated that. I was ready for the wise cracks and stuff but none were forthcoming. All in all, it was a very reassuring experience. My faith in man has been restored. Compassion does exist.
I am aware that I released this video to a select group of people. The only ones with permission to view it being in a group from my " hometown " connected friends. That group has about 1200 members and that is surprising. Now I am considering posting it to my regular wall. I am curious if it will make any difference. I'm thinking it will not, as it is probably the same people there. My friends list is no where near 1200 people ! I am not completely positive how this facebook stuff actually works but think if I post it to my " wall " anyone with a computer can see it. But then I think that must not be so because I seldom see strangers on my wall. Or is that that they would have to be looking for it ? That seems right. Whatever the case, I'm thinking about that. I'm also thinking I ought leave well enough alone.
In the video that I posted I read the blog that precipitated it. I tried an earlier video, freestyle, as it were and wasn't pleased with it at all. It only lasted a minute and said little. It is quite challenging to just speak to a video camera without first having a subject. Then having read that blog I did speak briefly. I am quite aware, that I write differently than I speak. I have given that some thought and have decided I know why. I wish to sound more educated than I really am. When reading the words that illusion can be created. A bit of vanity ? Yes, I'm certain that must be the case.
It is also true that one should speak in the local vernacular to fit in. The social circles that I travel in do not speak in this " educated " fashion. High browed they call it, and I understand that sentiment exactly. Even in the world of high society speaking in this fashion is becoming unfashionable. Now the trend is to speak in a fashion that is " relatable " to your audience. One certainly wouldn't want to be considered " snooty " or " out of touch. " It is cool to be " street. "  Only the wealthy elite exercise a vast vocabulary, or a rapper. Isn't that ironic ? Just goes to show that perceptions can be altered and manipulated. An extensive vocabulary isn't necessarily an indication of intelligence. It sounds good though.
This little exercise showed me something. It showed me how we adjust to our surroundings. In the choice of words we use, and the way we present ourselves to others, we create an image. We do this on an unconscious level for the most part. That is why it is so easy to tell when someone is being pretentious. Those people either amuse, or annoy. When I write I am creating an image to those that read. When speaking to me ,in the flesh, the choice of words would be different. My meaning and intent would be exactly the same. Depending upon the length of the discussion, and my familiarity with your own speech, my manner of expression will change. I will adjust accordingly, to an extent. That whole discussion is for another blog, another day.

Writing for a reaction

Reading some of the postings on social media I can only believe that some, write for the reaction. That is what I hope is the case anyway. If the world is truly filled with those that believe some of the nonsense they post, we are indeed in big trouble. I will not go into specifics, I'm sure you all feel the same way as I regarding some of the comments. Surely these people do not actually believe what they are posting.
I confess to having written a snide remark or two just to get a reaction. I do try not to be mean about it. I realize there are times when my comments can be cutting. Those comments usually are the result of reading some other comment that I find incredulos. Sarcasm is a bit tricky to communicate in the written form.
On this social media platform I have learned to temper my reactions a bit. I wait to see if the posting appears genuine or is a piece of verbal horseplay. I try not to be drawn in quite as easily as I may have been in the past. Being a person quick to offer an opinion, it isn't easy. But that is my problem and I am aware of it. It is also a part of my nature and can't be helped ! I'm not always right, but I'm willing to offer an opinion.
Writing for a reaction isn't a bad thing. Isn't that the goal of an author ? Authors do wish to move and inspire their readers. It is those that write expecting a negative reaction that bother me. I question whether they have anything positive to add to the discussion. Dissenting opinions are one thing, that isn't what I'm talking about. Opinions different from my own are to be expected and make for good conversation. It is the manner in which a person defends their position that defines their character. As is the case with a lot of things, presentation is everything. That is one method to get you to " buy " into what I'm selling. Foul language and made up " facts "are not the way to go. Completely dismissing the opinions of others isn't a good way to gain insight either. The old adage, look before you leap, is sound advice.
There are those that are completely predictable in their responses and postings. Those folks can be counted on to provide a certain comment or reaction in response to your own postings. They can act as a security blanket. There is nothing wrong with that, but they often leave me wondering. I wonder about their real reaction or opinion. Are they being completely honest ? There are times when it is best to say nothing at all. There are also times when a response is required and it should be tempered. Consideration for others opinions and feelings should be considered.
In my own writings I like to point things out. I want to give you all my point of view. Certainly I will defend my position and observations, there are what I believe. I do not write or say things that I don't believe to be so. I do like to kid and chide. I enjoy sarcasm and a biting wit. My opinions are subject to change. Core beliefs are far more difficult to change. If you find your " core " beliefs often cause a stir or controversy perhaps they need a closer examination. That is just something I thought to point out. You know, just being controversial doesn't make you intelligent. There are times when riding the other train will take you to a different destination ! The other drummers beat may be irregular, just sayin'.

Heal yourself

Forgiving doesn't make it right. It just puts it in the past. That is something I have learned over the years. We all make mistakes and we all need forgiveness in order to move on. The first place that forgiveness must come from is ourselves. The realization and acknowledgement of the wrongdoing is imperative. More importantly perhaps is the understanding that wrongs can not be made right. They can be forgiven but that does not make them right. That being established those wrongs may be placed in the past where they belong, a piece of history. Yes, history repeats itself, I believe that. It usually is the result of not learning from those past mistakes ! We have a way of forgetting. Forgive and forget ! Forgive yes, but forget ? I don't agree with that. That isn't to say that we should harbor resentment towards the mistakes of the past, but we should acknowledge those mistakes. Hearing or saying, I forgive you, it is alright does not excuse the error. It isn't alright. You can not make it right. All you can do is strive to be right in the future. A repetition of the past is not progress. We should strive for progress.
There are times when we repeat our mistakes believing they will somehow be right this time. We think we have learned from the past and discovered the magic loophole. It is always the same, still wrong. Sometimes we believe we can manage wrongdoing in such a way that it is " just a little " wrong. Nothing is farther from the truth. Wrong is wrong. These are the times we just need to get over ourselves ! Admit your mistakes and move on.
I can forgive your initial mistake, but if repeated, they get subsequently more difficult to forgive. This , I believe, is a result of the standard I am using. That standard would be mine. Your standard, your measurement of right and wrong may be different than mine. When that occurs, conflicts arise. I may be injured and you are totally unaware. The words or actions you have chosen as appropriate and justified, by your standards, are contrary to mine, causing this injury. Understanding this I offer forgiveness. The trouble lies in your belief that you did nothing wrong, and in your standards you did not. Now, my forgiveness has been given but that did not make the words or actions " right " in my mind, the injury exists. It is not forgotten. Unless one of us modify our belief system this will continue. As to who is right or wrong that is a separate discussion entirely.
All of this came to mind as I was considering my position in the world. Where I'm at, at the present time. That is to say my mental state. It is your mental state that is the most important. Dwelling on illness and other things you can not control does little good. I have had times when I felt sorry for myself. The reality is I was feeling regret for past mistakes. I had not forgiven myself for those errors. I deserve that forgiveness and it is not a selfish thing to admit that. There is no changing the past and no correction for the mistakes committed there. It is a bitter pill to swallow. I do think that I have " taken my medicine " and should therefore move on. Each day is a new day. A chance for recovery ? Recovery from what ? From not being perfect ? No one is perfect, nor will anyone ever be. I can only hope that my mistakes stay in the past. That much I can control. It is much harder to forgive yourself than it is to forgive others. Others do not have the same standards as ourself, and are not our own standards superior to all others ? The deepest wounds are often self inflicted. 

When the wind is right

When the wind is right I can still smell " promise " land. And just what is that supposed to mean ? To those of you that grew up in my hometown you are all well aware of " promise " land. At least that is what it was called, not " promised " land but " promise" land. A slight distinction being made between the two. A distinction not lost on those that worked there. There are those that would debate that but my Dad worked there and he called it " promise " land. Everyone I knew called it " promise " land. Wikipedia will tell you it was called the " promised " land and a fictional story about it getting that moniker from the awful smell produced there, that stank " to the high heavens. " Well, maybe to those that don't have first hand knowledge of the whole deal, and it does make an interesting story, but I do not believe that to be the case. Oh, it stank alright, I wouldn't dispute that claim, but as to the name " promised land ", I beg to differ.
This is only my opinion and I can not offer any substantive proof. I believe that it may indeed have been referred to as promised land in the very beginning. Promise land referred to a fish processing factory located in Napeague. Napeague is an area of land located between Amagansett and Montauk on Long Island. Wikipedia calls it a hamlet, Lazy Point, but I never heard that before. Oh, I know where Lazy Point is alright and promised land ain't it, but whatever. Now this fish processing plant offered a secure employment opportunity to a population of mostly bay fisherman. An exciting prospect to those that depended upon tide and weather to earn a living. That was the promise, steady employment in an area that didn't offer much in the way of industry. Good paying wages too ! As I said my own father was employed there for a number of years, firing the giant boilers to produce the steam used in processing the " bunkers ". Bunker fish is what we called them, but there real name is a menhaden.
My Dad and the people that worked there always said, promise land. It is a more natural expression if you think about it. Where do you work ? Promise land. Saying the promised land is just awkward. And so, in my opinion, it is promise land.
As to that smell, it was awful. My home was a good twenty miles from that factory and if the wind was right you could smell it. That odor was a piece of everyday life back then. Dad smelled like that coming home. Other men smelled that way when you ran into them at the store or gas station. Anyone that smelled that smell could immediately identify its' source. It was a background odor in the air, mostly unnoticed, unless you were very close. The town became " nose blind "  as they say in the commercials nowadays.
I do find it amusing when Wikipedia and other sources spew forth a series of " facts " that I believe to be incorrect. I find it amusing when some wish to write about things they have no direct knowledge of. A complete and thorough knowledge of the local dialect is imperative in these situations. I grew up there and spoke that language. It is promise land, always will be to me. That is a piece of my history, my heritage. And yes, when the wind is right I can still smell promise land. " I expect I always will.

Intently watching

In Caroline County Maryland there are two middle schools. Colonel Richardson and Lockerman. They. of course, receive students from different areas of the county. Every year the sixth grade classes from these two schools go to a week long camp together at North Bay. This camp is located in North East Maryland. North East is the name of a town in Cecil County, not the location per se. The camp is in a mountainous region. I am not sure how many years this tradition has been going on but quite a number of them. It is a big deal to the kids for a number of reasons. First and foremost is that you go for a week solid. From Caroline county it is about a two hour drive to reach the camp. You will be staying in a cabin,with other students, that you may or may not know. Yes, you may have to bunk with the enemy ! Middle school classes and clashes. It is true that attendance is optional but those not going are subject to ridicule. You can understand how that works. And so there is that pressure. Also 75% of their time and activities will be outdoors. It is a camp after all. In January the conditions can be harsh. There are zip lines to conquer and rope courses. These physical activities are combined with the curriculum is a week long developmental environment. Sort of a " boot camp " in a gentle sort of way. Very stressful for some, and for others a walk in the park.

My Morgan, my dear sweet granddaughter is going through this ordeal even as I write this. This is the beginning of her fourth day. Thankfully, due to modern communicating devices, she has been able to call every evening. I am proud to say she is holding up well. Things were a little touch and go in the beginning, that first day was rough, but adjustments have been made. She was fortunate to have been assigned to a cabin with some of her friends. A lucky break or just karma. I prefer to think the later.Morgan is a very congenial young lady. She will be coming home tomorrow and I am anxious to see her. She is not aware of it, but this event is a life changer. Yes, this is one of those milestones in childhood that usually goes unnoticed by the child. She will be changed ! A bit more mature, a bit more grown up. In our grandchildren that is met with mixed emotions. By the grandparents  not the children ! We love to watch them grow and develop into young " people " but we hate to see the children leave. Bittersweet is the term. Bittersweet.

Morgan is the last of my grandchildren to go through this process. I suppose next up is dating and dances. I'm not of the Jewish faith but all I can say is. OY VEY ! The years and markers are coming faster each day. There are certain " markers " I do not wish to have any knowledge of whatsoever ! The time is fast approaching to just go on trust, let those little birds fly. It's not an easy thing to watch. 

What's the hurry

I think I would have enjoyed travel, say, a hundred years ago. It must have been far more exciting and informative. To see things that you have never seen before and have the time to look ! That is the big attraction for me. In more modern times we travel far and fast, but see little of the journey. That is a real shame. Riding along by horse or in a carriage surely afforded you time to observe things. Now things are pretty much a blur. I think this may be carrying over into our personal relationships as well. Eyes fixed only on the destination, we don't see the road. And sometimes it is not worth the journey !
I was raised on long island. The water was the main thoroughfare for travel back in the old days. It was only the advent of the railroad and then automobiles that changed that. Boats, of all types, were used to go to Connecticut, New Jersey and the upper end of the island. They were faster and more comfortable than horses and buggies. I'm sure they were far more pleasant as well. I'm thinking it was a wonderful adventure to travel in that manner. You definitely became more attuned to nature.
Traveling in the old days was surely an adventure. The majority of what you knew was from stories you had been told. Yes there were pictures and books and such but no where near the information that we would have today. So in a way each journey was a new discovery. I wonder how many never reached their initial destination, choosing instead a beautiful spot along the way. I could see that happening to me.
These thoughts came to mind after reading a blog by a friend. She was lamenting about the lack of personal communicating going on. Now it is all text messaging and posting things on twitter or facebook. People not even taking the time to speak to one another directly. Speed is the object, it seems. Deliver the message as fast as possible. The problem lies in that the message may not be seen,or worse, misunderstood. We need to take the time to be clear in our communications. Personal interaction does rely a great deal on body language and the inflections in our speech. The written word is a poor medium for those.
Each conversation we have with another is a journey. We should enjoy that journey. It should at least be an adventure. Sometimes the journey doesn't go as planned but that is another issue. At least we have the time to explore. These electronic communications are more like receiving instructions than interacting. It is more of an action and a reaction ! We have become so obsessed with reaching the destination that we don't even spell things out anymore. Acronyms abound.
Life itself is a journey and we should share the road. We are accompanied by many travelers , from many different areas. These travelers can inform us of many things, if we but listen. There is much to learn. Traveling forward , with blinders on, we will surely reach our destination, but at what cost ? What have we missed ? I'm thinking it is time to just pause and take a look around. You know what ? Let's talk it over.
Life is simpler when we don't have to deal with others. That is just a plain fact. Is it that that drives this desire to just communicate our wants and needs through electronic mediums ? We just want to go straight to the point ? Is this also what is causing some of the friction in the world today ? Less personal contact does lead to more misunderstandings. In this information age we are sharing a lot of facts, that can not be disputed, but are we sharing our lives ? Are we sharing the very thing that makes us human ? Face to face is quite a bit different than facebook to facebook ! Know what I mean ? Face to face require a commitment. It also requires effort and compromise. Is it the avoidance of the later that is the subconscious impetus ? Humans are prone to being a bit lazy, wanting more leisure time. Life is a journey. The journey can be made easier by listening to fellow travelers. The journey is far more pleasant as well when you just take your time. What's the hurry anyway ? 

From my corner

From my corner of the room, in my corner of the world, I write my stories. Sometimes pontificating on the mysteries of life and sometimes just babbling. The value of them are largely esoteric, although I wasn't aware of that when I began. I thought I would be writing to the world. It is on the world wide web ! Over time I have come to realize just how small a world I live in. The truth is we all live in a small world. I believe our worlds are getting smaller but not for the reasons we think. Our worlds are getting smaller due to exclusion. As we become more aware of those around us, the more we tend to shelter ourselves from them. Conflicting ideas and beliefs cause us to become uneasy. We don't mind venturing forth, when it is safe, but entering unfamiliar territory alone is frightening. It is the crowd mentality that guides most of us.
I do believe it is a difficult proposition for a sincere person to move in different worlds. If you really believe what you profess those going contrary to that would cause unrest. That is why we tend to stay in our own little world. It is where we are the most comfortable. Is it a matter of trust ? Can you trust those that have differing opinions and beliefs than your own ? I find it difficult because I do not understand their reasoning. I do expect them to feel and react in the same way. Confrontation is the inevitable result. The sincere person is compelled to defend their belief. It is often not a matter of right and wrong, which can be a subjective state, but a matter of convictions. Convictions are not necessarily correct.
My writings have forced me to focus more upon the ground I defend. I have begun to look less at where others stand. What I mean by that is I have to evaluate my position and convictions. Putting my ideas, and that is what they are, into print has that effect. I find myself examining the " ground " I stand upon as a whole, rather than a small parcel at a time. A" world " view perhaps ? I have come to realize that I alone manage my world. Oh, there are plenty of outside influences to evaluate. There are plenty of circumstances not of my making to contend with,but it is up to me to make the decisions. I alone am responsible. It is the acceptance of that responsibility that is the measure of maturity.
It is this very conflict that we are witnessing on a global scale. Each world defending its' ground and convictions. Each being sincere. There are aberrations in the world and I believe we are witnessing that right now. These terrorist attacks coming from an area of desperation. Those launching such attacks unwilling to examine their position. They are unwilling to accept responsibility for their own actions and so look for support. Unfortunately they have taken a religion and perverted it to their own uses. They are not the first to do so, and will not be the last. I do not doubt their sincerity but I oppose their belief. And their belief is not the religion that they profess to follow. Their belief is in their own superiority. Like rebellious youth they are immature. Brute force doesn't make right. They have no world view but only see a small portion.
I have no answers. I'm just a guy sitting in the corner with a keyboard. I write my feelings, thoughts and observations. They are my opinions, my world. People enter my world uninvited on occasion and that can be disturbing. It can also be enlightening. Whether or not they remain is my decision. I must examine my ground ,my world in order to make an informed choice. It is, after all, the only ground I can control.  

Sharing what's real

Shared experiences make the best stories. This is true even when the experience is fictional, but when the story is still within the realm of possibility. We like to hear or read our own stories. That is why we "live" the stories that we enjoy so much. That isn't to say we don't enjoy some flights of fancy, but that is another matter altogether. There are those that get on that flight and never seem to get off ! When we feel those " stories " are better than our own, that can happen. It is something to guard against.
I have reached a point in my life where my " stories " are becoming fewer. The best stories I have only cover a small segment in time. I would say the first eighteen years. Those are the times and the place I like to remember and write about the most. Those reading my posts can relate to that time and place. I think that is why they are my most popular postings. Are my other stories, those following that period in time relatable ? To some I am certain they would be and to to others not at all. That would be dependant upon your experiences since then. Would those experiences " share " well ? Determining what is of interest to others can be a challenge. It is also just as challenging to determine what it is I am willing to share ! There are dark spots and shadows in all our lives.
I do not think of myself as a survivor,an ex, or recovering from anything. Yes, I used to smoke cigarettes but I don't define myself as an ex-smoker. There was a time when I drank more alcohol than was wise, but that doesn't make me a recovering alcoholic ! Been sick too, but not a survivor. I'm just a man living his life as best as he can. Hasn't always been the best possible effort, I'll admit that. Of course that is a relative statement depending upon your measurement of success. I'll say this much, I haven't been bored.
In the end we all leave a story.The story will not be written by us. That can be a problem. I have given that some thought and it is one of the reasons I write. I would like my side of the story to at least be heard. The truth, as I see it, may not correspond with what you have observed. And there are times when I have tried to mask those truths. I will add this, I do believe that they are some things that should remain private. There is a trend toward telling it all and I do not agree with that. If it serves no purpose other than to create a stir, or gain attention, then it is not necessary. Then it becomes self serving.
The best stories entertain and enlighten. They teach us about life and living. We live those stories because they are our lives. They contain possibilities that perhaps we hadn't considered before. They offer encouragement. If I did it, you can too. We all like to see " characters " just like ourselves be successful. I am hopeful that my " story " will be all of those things. It will be a story I will be anxious to read. But first I'm not done writing the story. I'll be here till the end.

Just Talking

There are times when I feel as though I am talking into the wind. It is a frustration we all have to deal with. It is a complex mix of emotions that causes this. In the end I believe we all just want to be heard. The older we get and the farther from our roots we roam the louder we tend to speak. Is it the gasp of aging ? Or is it just repetition ?
For me I find somewhat of a release through this blog. I write my feelings,thoughts and emotions down and see what comes out. I am always a bit surprised. Sometimes pleased ,sometimes not. I do use them as a comparison. The ones I find particularly insightful do not always appear so to others. There are others that I receive many comments on that I didn't find all that great. I guess that is why they say the public is a fickle mistress. I can see where becoming dependant upon the approval of others could lead to madness. It is like a drug, this writing, it can be helpful and healing or become a destructive force. It seems it would depend upon your own dependence upon that drug, whatever it may be. The secret lies in control, control of that drug and that drug not controlling you.
Those times when I feel like I am talking into the wind are a result of not knowing what to say. That, I believe, is the simple truth of it. It is not a failure of the listeners. Words and thoughts spoken or written must be entertaining. If they are not, they are ignored. They must entertain our thoughts or emotions.
I don't want to be just background noise ! I believe we all feel that way to a certain degree.
I have two trains of thought on this. One says, to just keep talking in the hopes that something valuable comes out. The other says, speak selectively and sound sincere. The first is the easier path to follow. Just keep talking and beat others into submission ! The problem lies in being tuned out, then you are talking into the wind, being the only one that hears. I guess that is alright if you always agree with yourself. It doesn't make much of a conversation though. The alternative gives you fewer chances to be correct. In that case you must be sure of your words. Being heard does little good if you are not understood. And in that lies the problem. It is all in the explanation. Or is it that you should not require an explanation for your thoughts ? Clearly expressed, they are self explanatory. Unless. of course, the listener requires a bit of background information. It's a bit of a dilemma.
This morning I'm not sure what I'm talking about. That happens occasionally. Insecurity ? Doubt ? Perhaps. Unmet expectations ? Could be I'm just getting tired. Who knows ? My football team lost and I am sad about that. It is cold outside. I could go on looking for excuses. The reality is , I am alive and living. Life just keeps coming at you, relentlessly. I am not anxious for it to end but wouldn't mind a short break either. But there I go, just talking into the wind. Complaining really. Well, I feel better for having spoken the words. It doesn't matter if anyone is listening, I am not saying anything anyway. Just talking.

Everyday Things

Everyday things. Everything we hold as treasures from the past where ,at one time, everyday things. When a connection is made those objects take on significance That is if those objects are no longer an everyday thing. I wonder what objects I have that may one day fall into that category. In order to know that I would need to identify those things that will be replaced. What do I use today that will be replaced ?
It is true that we do not see the things that are in our own backyard. It is also true that the things we use everyday, we take for granted. I jokingly mentioned a sprinkler bottle a little way back. That was an everyday thing to my Mom, until she got an electric steam iron. I did purchase one from e-bay and added it to my meager collection of everyday things. I placed it on the top of the cabinet with my old lunch box. You know the type, black metal, thermos bottle in the top. They were carried to work by a majority of the working men in this country for a number of years, an everyday thing. No more and why has that changed ? That is because most now buy fast food. The ones that do take lunches with them usually carry them in a cooler ! We do tend to pack a bit more in this modern world. That is true not only with lunches, but with just about everything else. I can't see anyone putting a cooler on a shelf however. They probably said that about a lunch box too.
I can remember having and using a fountain pen. I admit it was a bit of a curiosity at the time. It took an ink cartridge. They were readily available at the stationary store in town. I haven't checked lately but I'm thinking they may he a bit scarce now. I even used a quill pen once. Messy,messy, messy. An everyday thing at one time. The last big improvement in pens that comes to mind is the space pen. They will write upside down ! Very handy and I had one.
I do think that a pocketknife, or penknife if you prefer, is becoming a thing of the past. I always carry mine. I do have to remind myself to not take it with me in certain situations. All the men I knew growing up carried one. They did serve a particular purpose. Handy thing to have when opening a package tied with string. Of course that was before everyone used scotch tape ! Grandmother Bennett thought the use of tape was a waste of money. In one sense she was correct. Now I see men carrying knives more as a symbol of " manliness " than out of necessity.
Cell phones, of all types, are everyday things nowadays. Will they one day just be a curiosity from the past ? Perhaps, but the thing there is, will they still function ? The old things I collect will still function, as designed, now, and a hundred years from now. I'm not against progress and will readily adopt anything to make the job easier or more efficient. It is the things that become everyday objects that I like the most however. The only stipulation being that it should still function. I do not think many of our " new " things will be able to do that in the future. Quick, could you get up from your computer and put on a record ? Probably not, not many of us have a record player. If you say record now, the first thought is not about music.
Everyday things taken for granted. We do that unconsciously. How many homes today would you find a newspaper in ? Not nearly as many as twenty five years ago. Will a newspaper be one of those objects ? Velcro was supposed to eliminate the zipper but that hasn't happened, yet. A pot of coffee, made by boiling water with grounds in it has progressed to making a single cup at a time. The K-cup ! Will that become a everyday thing ? It is close. But will the k-cup always be available ? Yes, as long as the consumer is willing to pay the price for such a small amount of coffee and the convenience. And that is what happens to everyday things, they get replaced. Replaced by the new, more efficient and more convenient way of doing things. The question is, what of the quality, is it equal ? That is the subjective part in all of this. I would say, it depends upon what you are used to, what you use everyday. 

In the shadow of the mill

An old friend posted a picture to facebook and it inspired some thoughts. They say a picture is worth a thousand words and I believe that wholeheartedly. Seeing that picture, at that particular time made me want to write a thousand words. The picture is of a windmill. Now that windmill is a fixture in the town I grew up in. I know it well as the Old Hook mill. It has been there since 1806, sitting high upon an artificial hill. Over the years I learned some of the history of that mill and the man that built it. Nathaniel Dominy V was his name and he came from a long line of millwrights. There were some that followed him as well. That mill is not the only one he built but I would say the most famous. I think it is only because of its prominent location that it is so. There are two other windmills in East Hampton and a total of nine still survive on Long Island. There are also one each on Gardiners Island and Shelter Island. All because of the influence of the Dutch in the early days.
But it is Hook Mill that holds my fascination and thoughts. That mill overlooks the South End Cemetery. The South End cemetery is one of the oldest in town. It is in that cemetery, in the shadow of that mill, that some of my ancestors lie. Most notably my third great grandmother is buried there. She has been there since 1879. That mill was already seventy three years old at that time. Beside Sarah, my third great grandmother lies her daughter Jennie. Jennie died as an infant. I knew her brother well, he was my second great grandfather, Floyd Parker Lester. You can see the mill from his house.
Great ,great,great Grandmother Sarah came to East Hampton by way of Albany city. At least that is what the records show as far as I have been able to find. She was a domestic servant for John D Hedges a prosperous farmer in Amaganset. That would have been in 1870. By 1875 she had met and married Charles Edgar Lester. That would last only thirty two months. On the thirtieth of January in 1879 she was laid to rest. The windmill would continue to operate, at some level, until 1908. How many more of my ancestors are interred there I cannot say. No longer living there I can not easily explore that. I'm certain however that there are others. The mill stands today, in all it's glory, a reminder of days gone by. It is a symbol of the town.
When I turned on my computer and that image appeared all those thoughts flooded my mind. I could not help but think what stories lie in the shadow of that mill. All the lives lived, and lives lost. For going on two hundred and seven years that very mill has been witness. That mill is treasured and cared for, as are those that it overlooks. The old South End Cemetery is well maintained by the cemetery association. My great ,great grandfather, son to Sarah served on that very board for a number of years. The wooden picket fence still surrounds it. At the entrances are steps. These wooden steps one or two up and then back down were there to keep the animals out. The steps are maintained as well.
It is ironic in a way that no Dominy is buried in that cemetery. Dominy, you remember is the architect and builder of that mill. He and his family are more noted for their furniture making and clock making skills. It is however that single mill that I would say has proven to be a lasting legacy. Interesting enough a museum dedicated to the Dominy family is in Delaware. You could say, figuratively speaking, that I grew up in the shadow of that mill. And I must add, it is a good thing.

An official job

Here in Maryland young people can begin working at the age of fourteen. Their hours and times are severely limited but nonetheless they can do that. I don't remember how old we had to be in New York state when I was growing up. I do remember having to go get a physical. First one I had since being born I think ! We didn't go to the doctor very often in those days. Oh, we got a physical every year in school but that didn't count. That physical was more of a cursory glance by a trained professional. The physical I was subjected to to gain those " working " papers was a bit more extensive. Seemed like a big deal at the time.
All this was brought to mind because my grandson Mark will soon be fourteen. He already has a " job " lined up. He is going to be a paid soccer official. He has completed the prescribed course of instruction  and passed all the exams. Once you begin reffing at a certain level and age group you receive pay. He is all set, just waiting on that birthday to arrive. In the meantime he may referee and receive service learning hours for that. Those are something new to me, but required for graduation from high school. I really don't see the point in them as they are quite easily obtained but whatever it takes I suppose. Maybe it is just a way to pry the kids loose from the video games and phones ! I don'r know maybe they can get learning hours for those activities as well.
He will, of course, be reffing the indoor games. It is a bit chilly out there for the regular game. I do think he would play out there if  it was available. The indoor game is a bit different but good experience. He has officiated the outdoor game for the younger age groups. Officiating can be challenging. One does need to develop a thick skin. Surprisingly enough fans do not always agree with the call, even when the call is an obvious one ! Something to do with parents and their kids. LOL I suspect bias, although I certainly never felt biased with my own children or grandchildren ! Respect the official at all times !
I will say I feel a bit of pride seeing him in his officials uniform. It must be good for his self esteem as well. I do think it is a good training ground for the real world. He will have to learn to deal with controversy and conflict. It will sharpen his ability to deal with confrontation. It is not a job for everybody that much is sure. It requires a great deal of confidence in your own abilities. Mistakes will definitely be pointed out to you ! A thorough knowledge of the rules is vital to success. People may get upset but the rules are the rules. Mark is a bit of a stickler for the rules and that should serve him well. It is a tough job to take on for your very first "official job", no pun intended. I'll be at the games to watch and offer support. I may be witnessing the beginning of a long career in officiating. Soccer is a growing sport here in America and officials will be in demand. Major league soccer exists today and will continue to grow. Mark will be ready.

A new world

I was talking with my Mom, she is 86. That is something hard to believe, even harder for her I'm sure. She is doing well, health wise, and is living comfortably in Florida. We often discuss the news and what is going in the world. In conversation I said to her, it is a new world out there. Her reply resounded in my thoughts, "yes it is and I don't know how to live in it anymore . " She went on to tell me how the young people treat treat us " old folks " and what she thought worse, the way they treat each other. She wondered why everyone seemed so angry all the time. I couldn't help but agree with her observations. I see that all the time also. I would add that many seem afraid. Well, maybe afraid isn't the correct choice, leery is probably closer to the truth. Try looking directly into a strangers eyes and you will quickly see what I am talking about. Smiling and saying hello will be met equally with another smile or a worried look. Some even become obviously nervous and defensive ! I'm not sure this is what my Mom was talking about, but it certainly could be.
I do think my Mom was just remembering the old days. We can all agree that society has changed over the years. Speech and manner of dress to name just two aspects. You would have to agree that society in general has become less genial in their interactions. I have noticed that in my sixty one years and it must be even more so after eighty six.
Back to the statement that my Mom made, " I don't know how to live in it anymore " I have been considering that. Is that a result of a lack of flexibility on her part ? I mean by that, a failure to adopt to the modern ways of society and thinking ? Has she become  " set in her ways " to the point were it is a hindrance ? Perhaps, and will it happen to me ? Does it happen to us all ? On the flip side of that is the statement, there is no fool like an old fool. I don't want to be in that category either. I think that perhaps we all struggle with acceptance our entire lives. Some of us may just give up and not care anymore, happy in our rut. And for others we may struggle to fit into the picture, to remain what we consider relevant. I think that maybe her statement has made me consider aging. I'm only sixty one and don't think of myself as old, but I work with some that think otherwise. At this time it is a bit amusing, but I can see where it would become frustrating. I believe that is what Mom was feeling when she made that statement.
Learning to live in the world is a lifetime endeavor. I would say success is measured by our own happiness, and the happiness of those around us. Tolerance is not acceptance and opinions are not facts. These are things we need to learn. Most know this, but when comparing them to experience it is difficult to rectify. We know the results of actions that we have taken and expect the same for others. Our opinion is a fact to us, just as our tolerance begins to demand compliance. Then the " rules " change and we no longer know how to live.
Now I am not worried about my Mom getting dementia or anything like that. I think she was just venting her frustration at the world. There are those that are challenging her thoughts and actions, her way of life. It is the normal interactions we have everyday. It is true that at eighty six she can not do all of the things that she could do, say, ten years ago. There are consequences to aging. The realization of that can be a sobering experience. I do thank her for saying what she said, although I could not tell her so, she continues to make me think. It is what a good mother does for her children. No one can talk to me the way my Mom does ! That is a part of my world. I was taught to listen, with no backtalk ! Seems to me some of these younger people need to learn that lesson. Well, it's a new world out there. It changes every day.  

Just an outline

As many of you know my brother passed away last month. His wife is planning a memorial service. I was asked to write the obituary. I am both honored and deeply saddened. Honored to be asked and saddened to write those fateful words. Obituaries are normally just stark statements of facts. That is true, largely in part, to the constraints of the newspaper itself and budget. Having anything published in the newspaper is quite costly. The newspaper sets guidelines of their own and will edit your writing to fit within those guidelines. And so, keeping all this in mind I am struggling to put the words down. How stark is an obituary and usually the last words written about a person. A eulogy is spoken and those words are forgotten over time. An obituary however lasts forever. Future generations can look them up and read them. I have done just that with some of my own ancestors. To a person with an interest in genealogy they can be invaluable. They can, and often do, contain many vital clues about a persons life.
It is a cruel twist of fate that I Should be asked to do this. The first thing anyone has ever asked me to write for them and it my own brothers' obituary. I took to writing blogs and such as a means of entertainment for myself. I also thought of future generations and wanted to share. I am flattered when others tell me I have done well or that they enjoyed my words. On some level I am an aspiring author, although my aspirations are not very compelling. I never thought of writing an obituary.
The condensation of a person's life,especially a person you love, is a difficult task. To strip away all the drama and complications in our lives and just state the facts can leave us feeling hollow. That is what an obituary does and it seems to be an injustice. It is the practical that constrains me however. I must stay within the guidelines. My brother was so much more than an outline. Can that not be said about us all ? And in the end what will be printed ? An obituary. An outline of our lives always met with sadness. The last word. If it were up to me we would be writing about his life, not his death. But then death is a part of life and the circle is completed. Rest in Peace brother. The words may never be published but they will be written. I will write your story, as it is a part of mine. You will not be forgotten. The last word has not been written.

It's complicated

I was on Facebook,as usual, and happened to notice someones status change. They are now " in a relationship. " I know this younger person quite well and so it struck me funny. It caused me to consider that little phrase. I began to consider just what that meant. Was it going steady ? I asked around a bit and discovered that girls don't " go steady " anymore. Apparently they enter a relationship. Was this change a result of Facebook ? Maybe it had something to do with tweeting ?
I suppose it is all just a matter of what is cool. I grew up in the time of class rings and ID bracelets.You asked a girl to be your steady, then she wore your ring or bracelet as a symbol. Now I think you just post that information on social media ! I'm in a relationship ! Sounds grown up. Is that the underlying motivation behind this  ? I would think so, kids haven't changed much. In a hurry to be grown.
All of that adolescent stuff is, of course, many years in my past. I am not familiar with what the kids do nowadays, the social protocol as it were. Do you enter these " relationships " online or in person ? What is the correct way ? Do I ask you to " be in a relationship " and then post the results ? That would seem to be right to me. For the guy anyway, might just as well get used to asking for permission  ! LOL The bigger question for me would have to be, just what " relationship " is being implied here ? I understand " going steady " alright, is this the same principe ? I don't think it is. I think that is dependant upon the individuals and their age groups and previous " relationships. "  All I know for sure was I was told to not have " relations " before I got married ! Those relations were children ! And to avoid having Children you didn't have relations ! Got it ? I understood the message. I do remember some years back hearing about a " promise " ring. I'm not sure exactly what you were promising with that ring but I think it was like going steady. I assume you promised to be faithful and true. I didn't need any ring to make that promise ! From what I heard it was a step up from a going steady ring but not quite engaged. Sorta I promise to get engaged at some future point in time. I'm thinking that ring came with benefits. I could be wrong. These courting rituals can be confusing or misleading.
Posting your " relationship status " on social media is a good thing I suppose. That is as long as everyone else respects those boundaries. I wonder though if those status updates do not attract more attention than deter it. I, for one, do not place a whole lot of stock in their validity. Yes, I think that some are less than honest in their profiles. It is a global market these days and so I expect things needed to change. The old class ring could not be seen by all, only the local crowd. The choices have expanded ! Will we one day have to " label " our relationships with one another ? I mean, you could check my friends list and see the listed relationship between myself and anyone on that list ? Now that could cause some friction.
The bottom line in all of this is personal contact. We still require that personal contact, and by that I mean, face to face actual physical contact. Well, not touching each other contact, unless of course you are in a relationship, but being in the same space with that person. Not cyberspace, real space. I'm glad I'm not a teenager in love. I would be asking that question, " why must I be a teenager in love ? " That is why one of the choices listed in the " relationship " category is " it's complicated. "
It wasn't all that complicated when I was a kid. I asked, she said no ! I moved on. LOL

  

Being Blind

What if we all were blind ? Would the interactions between us be different ? I would say,unabashedly, yes. I hadn't really considered that until I began thinking about Facebook and the friends I have made there. There are some that knew me back in the day. Others may have seen me back in the day, and to others I am only a familiar name. There are still others that I am only a cyber presence too ! And it is that group that caused my thoughts on being blind. It is not visual blindness that I am considering, but the total lack of a reference point. I am whatever I appear to be, at least to those in the later category. I am aware that it works both ways.
The other day a lady whose blog I read was asking this question. If I told you everything I liked and or believed would you view me differently ? Her concern was that it would alter her relationships with everyone, including those closest to her. I understood what she meant and I agree with her. It probably would. The degree to which it would affect those relationships would vary depending upon the individual and certainly upon what " secrets " were revealed.
In friday's posting I mentioned I was considering a video essay or pod cast. I have since been told that video blogs exist also. I think that is what I was thinking about but hadn't thought of that moniker. Well whatever you wish to call it, I was considering it. Then this train of thought came barreling into the station. There are those of you that have not seen a picture of me or, if you have, very few pictures. Not many of you have ever heard my voice.
So, there it is. Am I brave enough to just " put me out there ? " What would be the result ? I would want only honest opinions and remarks but that can be a scary prospect. That is what that lady was talking about. That is the central issue. An interesting thought and one rife with underlying insecurities. Yes, I have those. How would I be judged ? Would I meet whatever expectations already exist ? Or would I be a disappointment ? More importantly, how would a video image,complete with sound, alter your perception ? Would it make any difference at all ? Perhaps not. Not as far as the relationship I currently have with my Facebook friends. They are, after all, just casual acquaintances based upon mutual interests or common backgrounds. I doubt that my " friends " list covers a wide demographic, as the salespeople put it. Not that I am opposed to that, quite the contrary, but I am what I am. And what is that ? A white guy,almost sixty two years old, from a rural upbringing. Everything about me says, average. Just the run of the mill. I'm fine with that descriptor. The fact is I am far more complex than that, as we all are. Yet, we tend to categorize in that fashion. Profiling in the modern jargon. Pidgeon holing it used to be called. We really don't fit in either. No one person ever does. I do consider all I have written and posted in this equation. I am aware that I write quite a bit differently than I speak. I can't explain why that is, just that it is. The thoughts are the same, it is the manner of expression that differs. It is far more difficult to write in a dialect. I've been told I talk in that fashion by some. I don't hear it.
All that is left is to do it. I am considering it and what to say. It is all about presentation, is it not ? What are your thoughts ? Should I remove the blindness ? Would it be a true representation of me ? You could argue that it would not and be correct. I could reply that it is and be correct. Perhaps it is only through blindness that we actually see. Maybe it is better to not see too much. Maybe, having been seen, we try too hard to be ourselves. Is that what " stardom " is all about ? Interesting to think about and consider. I don't think I have to worry about stardom though. I am concerned about my friends and friendships. I am what I am and that is all I'm gonna be ! Simple, no ? 

A dream vacation

An old friend of mine Barry Collum,we were born on the same day so I guess that makes me old too, moved away from our hometown some years ago. Through this thing we call Facebook I have come into contact with his daughter. I do not recall having ever met this lady in person. Time and distance having kept old friends apart. Still I feel a kinship with this lady in an odd sort of way. It is my understanding that she is living in her fathers home on Soakhide road. That is a home I knew well as a child. I went there to play,have birthday parties and listen to music. A very familiar place.
My Aunt and Uncle lived next door. Their home was a mirror image of Barry's home. What I didn't know at the time was that Barry's father and my Uncle were actually related. Cousins I believe. It is a bit ironic but that home is now owned by a cousin of mine. Both homes, as far as I know have remained pretty much unchanged. And it is that knowledge, or belief, that makes me pause and smile. A piece of the past,my past still survives on Soakhide. There has been much change and development in the forty some years since I left there but a small portion remains. Perhaps a pocket of peace exists yet in the turmoil of the " Hamptons. " Soak hide is not in the "Hamptons " however, it is in East Hampton, close to Three Mile Harbor. While others may dream of vacationing in Paris or France I would like to vacation on Soakhide.
Besides those two homes, there are other markers still there. Mary's store down on the corner. It looks a bit different nowadays but it is still there. I went there to buy penny candy and bread for Mom. Bought cigarettes and beer too, for Dad. Mary would put those items in a brown paper bag and tell us, " don't let anyone see you with these " and we ( my sister and I ) would sneak home through the wooded area between Soakhide and Springy Banks Rd. We both felt like fugitives ! We never got caught and in a way are still on the run. There was only one other house on the side of the road with Uncle and Barry and that house belonged to Dave Jacobs. A very congenial man and his wife Sandy. Bought a 25 horsepower Evinrude outboard motor off that man. It ran great and came me good service. Beyond their home was the " dreen ". The dreen, or drain in modern english ran through a wooded area designated as a game sanctuary. That plot of land had been donated to the town by a wealthy person with that stipulation. It remains unchanged to this day. It borders on Springy Banks Rd. Across that road was the dirt lane that I lived on, now called Hunting Lane. Last I knew that road is still unpaved.
Somehow it is a comfort to know all this. Nostalgic in a way. But can it be nostalgia when it is your own past ? Nostalgia just seems like a " Dickens " sort of term. It certainly must refer to times long before me. Time marches on, a phrase often heard in my house. Mom said that a lot and I guess I repeat it. I believe it means to not get stuck in the past. I do have a tendency to go back often. And times does indeed march on. Nothing you can do about that. You do need to guard against carrying too much baggage from the past with you though. That is why I try to only carry the " light " loads and leave the " heavy " in the past. Maybe I will visit Soak Hide again and maybe not. Makes little difference, I know that it is there, so nothing is lost. Time doesn't seem to march quite so fast on Soak Hide, truth is, it never did. I seem to be the one that did the marching ! Soak Hide appears to be stuck in time. That's a good thing as long as there are those that remember. So many memories associated with that road for me. So many stories could be told. Remembrances flood my mind and give me peace. Now that is a " dream vacation. "

Not sure of the date, probably 1958 at Barry's birthday bash. Yup it is on Soak Hide Rd. I am on the extreme left. Not sure who is next, Barry is in front with the guns on and next to him is Tom Corbey. The Brill girls are there, Leslie and Shelly. That's about all I remember. The day would be July the twentieth.

Getting started

Isn't it strange how we think of this as a new year and a new beginning. Each and every day is that and New Years day is just an arbitrary date chosen by whom ? Pope Gregory approved the calendar that we use today. I guess you could give him the credit but I'm sure he didn't do the actual calculations. Whatever the case, it is a beginning. It is our tradition.
I am not one to make resolutions. I will pretty much continue along as I always have. We are creatures of habit after all. It doesn't hurt to do a reveiw every now and again and modify the program. I do think it should be more often than once a year. I do not feel any pressing need to change anything at this time, hence no resolution. Could I improve in some areas ? Should I quit doing some things ? Yes and probably. But unless a sincere desire to do either is present I will fail. That is why people fail to keep their resolutions, they are not resolute ! You can't be resolute on demand,according to the calendar. Well, at least I can't.
Speaking of habits, it is my habit to write these posts in the morning. I was unable to do that yesterday. I was home in the early afternoon and all evening, yet didn't write anything. Why ? Because I write in the morning. The urge to write just wasn't strong enough. That sounds a bit, eccentric, shall we say. For those that watch the Big Bang Theory, Sheldonesque even. I'd better keep an eye on that. What other quirks might I have ?
I have had in mind to do a series of video essays. Put them on you tube. Why ? Just for the fun of it. I have a friend that was doing a podcast but haven't seen that in a while. Not that I really know the difference between the two. It is just something I have given a little thought to. Might be fun. A form of artistic expression. I can't paint or draw or sing or dance. I can give you my opinion ! I'm pretty good at that, or so I've been told. I have had those that tell me, you've always got something to say ! I'm taking that as a compliment. Maybe I will try a video essay or two and see if it attracts any attention.
I do think we all seek validation and affirmation. It is human nature. We want others to acknowledge our accomplishments and celebrate our achievements. We idolize those that we admire. Many of us seek that idolization for ourselves, secretly. I admit to checking on the number of " page views " my blog postings gather. I am pleased when the numbers are up and disappointed when they are down. There is a part of me that wants that recognition. I can justify that however with sound reasoning. In fact I have written entire blogs on just that subject. The stated purpose of these blogs is to provide a written record. A record of me and my thoughts. I am hoping that future generations will read them and " know " you I was. Another part wants everyone to know you I am ! And yet another part wants everyone to like and/or admire that person. I mean, from my perspective, why shouldn't they ? Then I come back to the real world and real life. Well maybe this will be the year. Might win the lottery. That would be a life changing event. I'm not counting on it though. Maybe this year I will write that definitive piece that makes me famous. Hey, it could happen. A new year lies just ahead, one day at a time. I'm rather anxious to get started, how about you ?