being lonely

  My mother passed backed in May. People will say I miss someone every day, that sort of thing. But the fact is I hadn't seen her every day since about 1971. Fifty years ago today I took the oath of enlistment at Fort Hamilton, New York. The day before Mom and Dad stood on the platform of the train station saying goodbye. I went in a day early to be sure I was there on time. You could say I got used to missing her. I never was one to get homesick though, not like some others that I encountered along the way. I attribute that to my New England upbringing. Stoic is the general description for the New Englanders. 

 Over the years I have had to say goodbye quite often. That's the reality of being in the military. I relocated every three to five years. At my "job" I was constantly saying goodbye as those folks moved about. People come and go, some I knew only by name, with others bonds were formed. Today I am not in touch with anyone I ever served with, not one. Where all those names and faces are today is a complete mystery to me. Truth be told I haven't looked for any of them either, and none have attempted to find me. I don't read anything into any of that, it is just the way it goes. I wish them all fair winds and a following sea. Good memories I store away and the bad, well, they are there as well. That's life.

 Despite the fact that I love to talk and am quite friendly actually, I have few friends. I like to think of myself as selective. I don't form close ties easily. It's not a conscious thing. It isn't a desire to protect myself from anything, none of that psycho babble that some pay to hear. No, with some I form a connection and with others I do not. I'm fine with that. What I'm trying to get at is this idea of lonely. I can't honestly say I ever felt lonely. Yes, I have missed the company of others but never to the point of disability. That's the type of lonely I'm thinking about. The type of lonely that manifests itself as an outward expression. When you can not control your emotions that is a disability. That's the way I see it anyway. I'm sure a psychiatrist would have something to say about that, especially today when we are supposed to be empathetic and understanding. Something about being vulnerable and all that. Mental health. Well the mental health they talk about today promotes being sick, in my opinion. Disabilities are a tool, not a handicap. That's true even when you just claim to have that disability. We can medicate that. But I'm wandering off a bit. 

 I began thinking about the loss of my mother. That is what was on my mind as I began to write this morning. She's gone, a finality, no changing that or anything else. With that reality I couldn't help but think about that feeling, being lonely. This thought became fixed in my mind, "Lonely is when you can no longer call home." But that doesn't explain what I'm really thinking about. It's more than the ability to call someone. it's the knowledge than you never can. I think perhaps that is why religion was "invented" in the first place. It is a means to call home! That person isn't gone, just somewhere else. and you will meet again. I wasn't familiar with the saying, my homegoing, as a way to describe dying until I saw a commercial on television. Seems right, it aligns with my thinking in that regard. So being lonely isn't a sad thing, it is a hopeful thing. Lonely tests our soul. Lonely is the tempering of love. It's a process, not a state of being. I miss not being able to call home. But it isn't denied, only delayed. I'll just have to wait.