Aim high

 I always play to win. That isn't to say I am a sore loser but being a loser is something I try to avoid. I do not cheat and insist upon fair play. I am not overly competitive, in my opinion. Still, I want to win, every time. With every game I play, I want to win. I have a hard time understanding why anyone would play just for fun. Isn't the fun in winning ? Sure the game play can be amusing and enjoyable but the point of playing is to win. I find no fun in losing. I have discovered that that philosophy carries over into my everyday living. I like to be right about whatever it is I am doing. I admit I sometimes avoid things I know I am not very good at. You will never see me trying to draw or paint a picture. I'm terrible at that. Fact is, my efforts in that department are laughable. I stick to what I feel I can accomplish in a fairly competent fashion. I need to feel " competitive " in whatever field it is. I believe I could read poetry but know I can't sing. I'm not very musical at all. I played with the guitar for about thirty years but never really became proficient at that. Given enough alcohol, consumed by the audience, and I could manage a sing a long. That's about it.
 I was thinking about this character trait of mine when I saw a " virtual " friend has gotten her book published. I can't imagine the self confidence required to attempt that feat. Don't misunderstand me, I think it is a wonderful thing and I admit to feeling a tinge of jealousy. I enjoy writing and think about writing a book one day. I just don't believe I would ever have the nerve to offer it to a publisher. To receive a rejection would be to lose. If I don't play, I can't lose, see the logic there ? Taking chances they call it, and I understand that. I have heard all the words of encouragement and all of that, still not jumping out of the plane ! Is it fright ? Yes, I suppose the fear of rejection is what you would call that. I just feel like I do not have a realistic chance at winning. Ever look up the statistics on getting your manuscript published ? I have and they ain't good. And paying for it to be published yourself doesn't count in my reckoning. Isn't that like cheating ? Fear; more like a realistic expectation I would say. I hate to lose.
 I write as a form of therapy. By writing this and sharing it with others I have to confront it. Now, it is out there in the light of day. Those that are close to me already know all of this. The person I am trying to convince is myself. Trying to accept that " losing " is an acceptable outcome is a very difficult concept for me to grasp. I'm not saying I always win but I try to be competitive. Just doing it for the fun of it ? It is a lot of work and effort writing a book or anything else for that matter. It's not fun unless it is later appreciated. What's the odds ? See, I always play to win. Losing is not motivational to me,winning is. I do enjoy the anticipation of the contest but I want to win. No fun in entering a contest you feel you have no chance to win. In this situation I feel like I have only one shot ! I just can't seem to pull the trigger. I keep thinking I am aiming a bit too high.
 This narrative was written not to garner encouragement. Having read it over that is what it appears to be. I am writing this for a reason I really don't understand, or want to admit, not sure which it is. If I were to write a book I would want it to say something meaningful. Words of substance is what I seek. They should be entertaining as well. I think the truth is, if I had anything published at all I would be ecstatic. Another truth is, things have always come fairly easy to me. Was that the result of not taking chances ? If that is so why would anyone subject themselves to doing things the hard way ? I know, the road less traveled and all that. Well, maybe it is time to blaze a new trail. Probably not though. Thanks for listening.