Speculation

 The older I get the more I find myself thinking about those that came before me. Maybe that is simply because I have more behind me, a logical assumption I believe. Who we are, where we are, and how we got here is truly a string of circumstances? Having done much research into the family tree, my ancestors and their lives, it quickly becomes evident. They did come from all over the world to finally join, collide, and create the circumstance of my birth. Some were here in America when America herself was born of circumstance. Others migrated, emigrated, or simply moved to America in search of that elusive greener grass. Each have a story. I have tried to uncover the story as best I can. Ah but cold facts don't make for an interesting tale. It is the moments between events that make the story interesting.

 I have written a few pieces about those ancestors. I wrote what I thought to be the truth. I fully understand that may or may not be the case however, as much of what I write is speculation. Speculation based on whatever facts I was able to uncover but speculation, nonetheless. Some portions of the story would be classified as hearsay in a court of law, gossip, unsubstantiated and irrelevant. Those are the most fascinating parts though. As cliche as it sounds, I have discovered that they were all real people, with real lives. How they felt about their lives is where the speculation comes in. Any personal thoughts they may have had I do not know. There is no written record, no testimony from them. 

 I have documents. I wonder how my third great grandfather Phineas felt about being an indentured servant. His fathers signature, his signature and the signature of the man purchasing that indenture are all there. The terms of the contract are extremely harsh by today's standards. He gained possession of those papers so I can assume he completed his indenture. He was trained to be what was called a cordwainer, a shoe maker as we would call that occupation. Some of the tools and equipment he used were in great, great grandfathers house when I was a child. His son, James, would serve in the civil war, I have a few artifacts that belonged to him. James would marry Lucy and have my grandmother Clara. Clara would pass Just twenty years later after having given birth to two sons. Elwood, named for his father and Austin my father. But that chain began in Morris, New Jersey in 1780 with Caleb Terry. 

 What circumstance led Caleb to indenture his son in New Jersey and have that son eventually settle in New York? And not just New York but on the tip of an island a hundred miles east of New York city? Why did his son James volunteer to serve in the civil war? What was his motivation. By all accounts he was a small man, slim and not in the best of health. After the war he suffered a nervous breakdown, that is recorded. I suspect it was what we would call PTSD today. Still, he was quite a successful man. He managed to build a new home in 1894, a home that still stands to this day. Respected in the community and in his obituary a friend to all. It was he that gave that home to his daughter, that she might never be without a home. She passed in the parlor of that home in 1956. 

 You may ask, what difference does it make? The truth is it makes no difference at all. As I have written many times you can't change the past. Circumstance are what drives us forward and you just have to accept those circumstances. That doesn't mean you can't change the circumstance of your own position you just can't change what it was yesterday. I think you do get a different attitude when you realize that there are more yesterdays than there will be tomorrows. That is a reality everyone must face. When we are young there is always tomorrow. Age does bring a bit of haste with it, a desire to make sense of what has transpired. An explanation. It's my feeling I owe an explanation. I'm not certain to whom, but it is an obligation. All those that came before me contributed in some way to my existence. I wouldn't be here without them! Will I go to meet them one day? Well, that is the basis of faith, isn't it? That is the tomorrow we all hope for. Tomorrows are unlimited. It's beyond my comprehension but perhaps I can understand the past, what has happened. At least I can speculate. Of course, I can speculate about the future as well. Is there really a difference between faith and speculation?