think about it

 There are times we ask ourselves, why. It may be because of circumstances beyond our control, or the result of the choices we made. Sometimes we call that soul searching. It isn't always a solemn thing, a serious endeavor, just a questioning. It's a good thing and should be done on a regular basis. It shouldn't be an exercise done in an attempt to justify the past, but rather to understand the present. 

 "An examination of your motivations, is an examination of your soul." That is the conclusion I have reached. Intent has little to do with it, it is what motivates your intentions that matter. There is only one person we cannot lie to, or fool, and that is ourselves, although I suspect that many are fooling themselves in some fashion I can't comprehend. Does motivation matter, or just the results? If you get what you want, does the motivation matter? If others do something for you in anticipation of reward, does that make a difference? If you do a good deed with the expectation of reward, does that make a difference? What is your motivation? Is it selfish? 

 I think that all motivation is based in selfishness. We do things to satisfy ourselves in some fashion. When we make a sacrifice, we do so for a personal gain. That's the long and short of that. True, another, or others may benefit from that sacrifice, but we made that sacrifice with a goal in mind. It is what we wanted to do. Motivation is the why of you, motivation defines your soul. 

 Altruism is what I'm thinking about. For surely it is the altruistic soul that enters the gate of heaven. Isn't that the message of the Bible? And that is the struggle we all face in life. It is the very reason we should examine our motivations carefully. Honesty with self is perhaps the most difficult habit to form. We do tend to excuse ourselves, don't we?

 Perhaps I have these thoughts as a result of a punishment I would receive as a child. It's true that at times I would receive some corporal punishment, Mom not wanting to spare the rod and all, but not every time. Sometimes, and most often by my father, I would be instructed to just sit in that chair! No television, no books or magazines, no paper or pencils, nothing, just sit there. Then I would be told to "think about it", think about what you have done! I was informed I knew better, but choose to do whatever it was anyway, and I should think about that. Today that is called, time out! That wasn't the intent of my parents, to give me a time out. No, it was game on!  

 I may have had to sit there for hours! I wasn't allowed to get out of that chair until Dad said so. He might go outside and forget about me altogether. Eventually he would return and ask the dreaded question: well? It was at this point I was expected to explain my choice, just why I had done what I had done. And you know, just because someone else jumped off the bridge was no reason I should! I was expected to explain my motivation. Truth is, it was almost always because of some selfish reason, it's what I wanted to do. No matter that I had been told not to do that, no matter that I knew I shouldn't do that, no matter that; I thought. No, I had to provide some reasonable explanation. I was seldom able to do that, for the obvious reason. And yes, that bothered me, a lot. 

 I hated that punishment. I would much rather have a quick punishment, get it over with, and move on. But no, I had to sit and think about it. It was like being in jail. My freedom was denied. It was just me and my thoughts. And no, I couldn't just go to sleep. If I did, I would be awakened to face further, thinking about it! The clock was reset. There were times when the chair was turned to face the wall, to further isolate me as my siblings watched television or played board games. I admit, it did force me to think about the choice I had made. I almost always determined that it was a poor choice. Sometimes I thought it was worth it, but I never said so. A hidden motivation.

 Hidden motivations are those that we know others will not understand or accept. Does it automatically make them wrong? I don't believe it does, although I think that would be the perception most will have. It does depend upon the result. If a positive result is achieved, the hidden motive becomes unimportant. All hidden motives are not bad any more than all secrets are bad. You may want to know them but that doesn't mean you should. It is my belief some things are best left between you and your God. It should also be understood that your God and my God are not the same person. Close relatives certainly, but not exactly the same. And the explanation of motive is between you and your God. Your God is your conscious. The Christian Bible speaks of walking in righteousness. Righteousness is another word for justice. When you walk with that your conscious is clear.  Do not confuse that with walking in step! As my Dad would say, "think about it."