I wasn't going to write about my birthday, that's what I kept telling myself, but here I am. I can't escape the thought that this is my first birthday without my mother. I remember getting a card from her last year, I got one every year, and not saving it. Now, you would think I might be a person to save such things with all the sentimental stuff I write and talk about, but I do not. Last year I remember thinking though, well Mom is 91 this year maybe I should save this one, it could be the last. Then, just as quickly I discarded that thought as morbid and the card was thrown away. I have to say I don't regret that decision today, I just remember it.
That lead me to this thought, at this stage in life, birthdays are more about reflection that anything else. When we are children we are anxious for the next year to come, to be older. Being older represents freedom to a child. Each passing year you are a bit closer to, what? Being an adult? Then at some point you arrive and the birthdays just keep on coming. For me, it is just another day, I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I wouldn't say it is something I consciously do, this looking forward, but I'm certain that it will come. I do spend a great deal of time in the past, I'm aware of that. Some would say that is a bad thing but I don't think so. I rather like it there. Fact is, everything good that has happened to me, happened in the past. The hope is that I can say that tomorrow, the day after that, and every other day. I do try to live every day, for the day. Some are better than others.
Life is all about expectations. On your birthday you will be asked, what do you want for your birthday? Was a day when I could provide an itemized list! Today however the answer is, not a thing. I didn't do anything to deserve gifts for this occasion other than to be alive. My Mother did all the work, she is the one that should be celebrated. No, I had absolutely nothing to do with this day being what it is. Still the tradition is that we celebrate our birth by receiving gifts from others. It's our special day. Seems rather self centered when you think about it in that fashion. I was given life on this day and now others should give me gifts to celebrate that. Interesting tradition.
I can't say when it happened, but it happened. I do not expect anything from anyone for my birthday. Well, okay, that's not exactly true I do have some expectations. I expect those that know me to remember me. What I mean is, even if it is only the month, that's close enough. Now it's not something I am counting on, but expected, know what I mean? If I am forgotten it isn't really a disappointment it is more a reality. I know I have certainly forgotten birthdays over the years. It was never an intentional thing. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it isn't that important. My birthday has become just another day on the calendar to me. At times it is embarrassing and who would have ever that that would be so. Nothing much one can say except, thank you. It another birthday an accomplishment? No, I'd say it was a gift. I'm here as long as I 'm supposed to me, no longer. That's the thing about life, you can't overstay your time. The luckiest of us will not overstay our welcome! And a great deal of life is centered around luck.
A cause for celebration? It's wonderful to think that you are that cause, no denying that. It would be a lie to say otherwise. Modesty and humility are virtues that were expressed strongly in my youth. That was part of my "common core" education. Even in the midst of celebration one is supposed to exercise those traits. It's what is expected as well. No one wants to celebrate a braggart. It's a lesson that takes years to fully comprehend. It's something I struggle with and I'm aware of that. I prefer to think of myself as confident, secure in my person, and independent, others may have a different opinion. I'm here for a reason, I believe that wholeheartedly. I'll be here until that reason no longer exists. I don't need to know that reason, if I did I might prematurely believe the reason has been fulfilled. Or, worse yet, give up believing I have no purpose at all. In these modern times we have taken to having a "celebration of life" instead of a funeral. It is an idea I admit to having an issue with initially. Someone's death doesn't seem like a cause for celebration. But now I'm looking at that in a different light. I'm thinking the sentiment being expressed is empathy, for surely the deceased should be celebrating that they have accomplished their task here on earth. Isn't that the concept of heaven? A reward. Still I feel sorrow for the loss to myself.
Well I have certainly wandered around the subject of having a birthday haven't I? For something I wasn't going to write about I have managed to run on about it. It's just that the thought this is my first birthday without my Mom is on my mind. I've always felt that was her purpose, to be my Mom. Funny how we think like that isn't it? Well the truth is, she was my Mom her whole life. Yeah, she did other stuff too, but I was her baby boy, the last of her children. Guess her job was done.
No comments:
Post a Comment