yesterdays' choices

  It's a funny thing growing older. Some say you get wiser but I can't testify to that, I was called a wise guy when I was twenty. But I do sit and wonder about things, things from my past. I wonder just what the heck was I thinking about? One of those things is the consumption of alcoholic beverages. I pretty much consumed them all at one time or another. Started out with Schaefer beer which I snitched from dad, usually after he had a sufficient quantity himself to be distracted. I only progressed from there, beer, wine, liquor in all flavors and varieties. There was a time, not all that many years ago, when drinking alcohol was the event. Didn't really need to be doing anything else, just drinking. At least, I tell myself, I was always honest with myself. I never drank because I liked the taste, I liked the effect. It gave me, shall we say, a heightened sense of living. Each episode was a little different but followed the same pattern. Started out a comedy and usually ended with drama of some kind. Sometimes it would end up a tragedy. I read somewhere alcohol is a depressant. I'm not certain that is true for everyone though. I've known some to take a few drinks and the waterworks begin, oh poor me. I've known others that just wanted to fight. As far as I know, I was just a delight, although I have heard varying opinions on that subject. But with all of that, looking back, I ask myself why. Was it for the social aspect? I guess that was the original purpose. To be grown up, to gain confidence in the crowd, alcohol does have a way of "empowering" people. So, I guess I'll go with that, I felt "empowered." Over the years I became "empowered" even when I drank alone, something I've been told is not a good thing. I don't know it was the best company I ever kept, no arguments, no disagreements, just simpatico. I don't see the issue. 

 Now at some point, there isn't a particular moment in time I can recall, all of that just sorta stopped. It wasn't in response to any outside force or event, just a loss of interest. I will still drink a beer or have a drink when the mood strikes, I can't say I've become a teetotaler. I have no problem with others should they choose to drink. I'm just trying to remember the fascination with that in the first place. I think about that when I see pictures on Facebook of others enjoying that activity. I mean, there they are posing with a glass of wine, or a beer, or doing shots, presenting that as an event. An event worth photographing. I suppose it is the same as posting pictures of my homemade soup or chili though. It's an event for me. But there is a part of me asking, why? What was the fascination when I was doing that? I was in an altered state of mind, no denying that. We describe that by saying, I was only a little drunk. But we will brag when we were wasted, that being an excuse for all sorts of inappropriate or bad choices. I wonder why it never occurred to me that I didn't do good things when in that state. Yes, on the surface buying a round for the house seems like a good thing, but not so good when the rent was due. Didn't stop me from making those choices though, alcohol can induce amnesia. Maybe it has lasting effects in that regard, that's why I wonder.

 I think I quit that hobby, and that is what it was, a hobby, I never became a professional at that, because I became bored with it. Been there, done that. I just never found anything of lasting value in that hobby. As I said, perhaps I felt empowered. You hear that a lot these days, being empowered. Alcohol certainly empowered me, or if it wasn't empowerment it was certainly being emboldened. Ten foot tall and bullet proof as the saying goes. Could it be that age doesn't always bring wisdom but empowerment? I have become empowered to just be me, without any influences from outside substances of any kind. I don't need permission from anyone else, no pep talks or self help books. No booze, no drugs, just me. 

 Today, I can't remember why. And that is the strangest part about getting older; explaining the past to yourself. I can tell everyone else what they did wrong and why, explaining all that to myself is much harder. It's not just about enjoying some libations, that's not what this is all about. I'm thinking in more general terms, about a variety of choices. Trying to rationalize yesterdays' choices with todays' logic can leave you confused. It's not about regret, that's not it. I've had a good time, maybe too good some times. You can't change the past, change your choices. But if you could change those choices that would change today. I don't want to change today. Still I have dreams for tomorrow. In those dreams tomorrow is different than yesterday, which is today. But yesterday is made of memories, and memories are subject to change. We may remember the action, but not the reason for that action. That's the funny thing about getting older. Understanding the why.