I hear the cries all the time about out veterans. To hear the story you would think that every veteran suffers from PTSD. That is the reason so many are homeless, drug addicted or otherwise outside the boundaries of society. I hear advocates saying all veterans should get preferential treatment. Veterans first, and the worst thing , all veterans are heroes. As a twenty year veterans I can assure you I'm no hero. I earned the brand of Veteran, not the title hero.
I have written about this in the past, no surprise there, but it came to the forefront of my thinking once again. It's something I struggle with on a personal level. I don't have PTSD, I have the opposite. I'm not sure what you would call that but I feel a bit unworthy. What I mean is, when I hear about these vets that have lost arms, legs, and suffered terrible emotional stress, and get compared to them I feel unworthy. Over my twenty year Naval career I went untested. Like a firetruck that never left the firehouse, I never put out a fire! That's the best way I can describe it. Yes I was deployed many times, all over the world, but I was never engaged in combat. Nope, not even once.
Now I don't view that as a disappointment, I'm not a war monger. I have never been one to seek a fight. I did take the advice of a childhood television hero, The Rifleman. In one episode he explains to his son, a man never runs from a fight, but a man doesn't run to one either! Well because television shows back in the day carried a moral to them, a message. In this case the code of the west. Yes, it was a Hollywood creation, that code of the west, but it was a morality lesson. Cowboys never mistreated women, children, and animals. You don't look for a fight! If a fight finds you, stand your ground! I was standing there, but the fight never showed up. I was there for some saber rattling, a few minor dust ups, but was never engaged in the heavy fighting. As I said, not a disappointment but I was left untested. I'll never know how I would respond to that situation. And for that reason I feel uncomfortable with all these veteran accolades. Not all veterans are created equal. That's my feeling about it.
Sure I can take pride in having served. I served. Yes I signed the contract, the agreement to follow the orders of those appointed over me. Yes the job could kill me! So could a thousand other jobs that people do every day. I was compensated for my time and effort. Fact is I still receive compensation for that. I have been retired longer than I was on active duty! But the question remains, did I do my job? I followed the orders of those appointed over me, I did what I was told. I remained vigilant. I was ready to fight if that was the next order. Isn't that what I signed up to do? Yes, you could say that. But I didn't sign up to run to the fight, just not run from one. In 1971 when I first signed that contract there was a fight going on. It was Vietnam. I didn't sign up to go there, to go to the fight, one reason I joined the Navy. Did I agree with that war? Hey I was 18 years old and really wasn't concerned with world politics. I made no pretense of being socially aware and concerned for the planet. No, my country was involved in a war. My responsibility is to my country first and foremost. It still is. Like that Hollywood cowboy I ride for the brand! This is the United States of America, land of the free and home of the brave. I raised my right hand and spoke those words; I solemnly swear I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States of America against all enemies foreign and domestic, that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same, and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States, and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the uniform code of military justice, so help me God. When my name was placed on the retired list I was not relieved of that duty. I stand ready.
I think what bothers me is the observation that words are cheap. Yes I agree with that. Words without action are nothing more than a description, a fiction. I can say this or that but without action it means little. I was ready. Ready is a noun not a verb. A noun is a person, place, thing, or idea. That's what I learned in grammar school. A verb is an action word. I fought! Fought is the verb, the action. Was being ready enough? That's the question that will be left unanswered in my life. Could be it was nevr intended for me to know.
Well like I said, like the Hollywood cowboy I ride for the brand. I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States of America! If I'm taking her money, I'm giving her my loyalty in return. Old fashioned, Hollywood, a fiction? No, not hardly. I'm ready. Felt that way in '71 and feel that way in '19. You could say, I'm branded myself. I'll say this much, if you ain't riding for the brand, get off the ranch!
I have written about this in the past, no surprise there, but it came to the forefront of my thinking once again. It's something I struggle with on a personal level. I don't have PTSD, I have the opposite. I'm not sure what you would call that but I feel a bit unworthy. What I mean is, when I hear about these vets that have lost arms, legs, and suffered terrible emotional stress, and get compared to them I feel unworthy. Over my twenty year Naval career I went untested. Like a firetruck that never left the firehouse, I never put out a fire! That's the best way I can describe it. Yes I was deployed many times, all over the world, but I was never engaged in combat. Nope, not even once.
Now I don't view that as a disappointment, I'm not a war monger. I have never been one to seek a fight. I did take the advice of a childhood television hero, The Rifleman. In one episode he explains to his son, a man never runs from a fight, but a man doesn't run to one either! Well because television shows back in the day carried a moral to them, a message. In this case the code of the west. Yes, it was a Hollywood creation, that code of the west, but it was a morality lesson. Cowboys never mistreated women, children, and animals. You don't look for a fight! If a fight finds you, stand your ground! I was standing there, but the fight never showed up. I was there for some saber rattling, a few minor dust ups, but was never engaged in the heavy fighting. As I said, not a disappointment but I was left untested. I'll never know how I would respond to that situation. And for that reason I feel uncomfortable with all these veteran accolades. Not all veterans are created equal. That's my feeling about it.
Sure I can take pride in having served. I served. Yes I signed the contract, the agreement to follow the orders of those appointed over me. Yes the job could kill me! So could a thousand other jobs that people do every day. I was compensated for my time and effort. Fact is I still receive compensation for that. I have been retired longer than I was on active duty! But the question remains, did I do my job? I followed the orders of those appointed over me, I did what I was told. I remained vigilant. I was ready to fight if that was the next order. Isn't that what I signed up to do? Yes, you could say that. But I didn't sign up to run to the fight, just not run from one. In 1971 when I first signed that contract there was a fight going on. It was Vietnam. I didn't sign up to go there, to go to the fight, one reason I joined the Navy. Did I agree with that war? Hey I was 18 years old and really wasn't concerned with world politics. I made no pretense of being socially aware and concerned for the planet. No, my country was involved in a war. My responsibility is to my country first and foremost. It still is. Like that Hollywood cowboy I ride for the brand! This is the United States of America, land of the free and home of the brave. I raised my right hand and spoke those words; I solemnly swear I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States of America against all enemies foreign and domestic, that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same, and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States, and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the uniform code of military justice, so help me God. When my name was placed on the retired list I was not relieved of that duty. I stand ready.
I think what bothers me is the observation that words are cheap. Yes I agree with that. Words without action are nothing more than a description, a fiction. I can say this or that but without action it means little. I was ready. Ready is a noun not a verb. A noun is a person, place, thing, or idea. That's what I learned in grammar school. A verb is an action word. I fought! Fought is the verb, the action. Was being ready enough? That's the question that will be left unanswered in my life. Could be it was nevr intended for me to know.
Well like I said, like the Hollywood cowboy I ride for the brand. I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States of America! If I'm taking her money, I'm giving her my loyalty in return. Old fashioned, Hollywood, a fiction? No, not hardly. I'm ready. Felt that way in '71 and feel that way in '19. You could say, I'm branded myself. I'll say this much, if you ain't riding for the brand, get off the ranch!
No comments:
Post a Comment