old habits

 This is my fourth attempt at writing something this morning. It happens occasionally, I just can't seem to focus on a topic. Sometimes after I write I discover in the proof reading that it just sounds self serving. I don't want that. My hope is always to share some insight, some feeling or thought I have had. The purpose isn't to elicit compliments or have others feel sorry for me. That reminds me of those postings urging me to copy and paste to receive blessings, or to show support. I seldom do that as it comes off as needy to me. If you have to ask for it, it is ineffective in my opinion. 

 I don't know this morning I just can't seem to put in words what it is I'm thinking about. I do feel a sort of obligation to post something. Old habits are hard to ignore and I am aware that it has become a habit, a part of my routine. I've been posting something almost every day for over eleven years now. Yes, a habit formed and one hard to resist. Topics repeat, themes remain the same, I'm aware of that as well. I look at that as a good thing however, I would be more concerned should I find my thoughts in constant change. 

 Well, that's because I do believe in right and wrong and don't pay much attention to the grey areas. When I decide something is right it takes a lot to change my mind, same with wrong. It's easy to explore the possibilities, to offer alternative theories, to make scenarios to support any position but harder to just decide and stay with that decision. Some call that being stubborn or obstinate. That comes from those that haven't decided though, or those lacking conviction. That's what I call it, conviction. In religion we call it faith. 

 If I were to decide to quit writing these posts it would be uncomfortable for me. That's what happens when you quit a habit, the discomfort is to varying degrees, dependent upon what you are quitting. What would I be giving up? Not much really, an indulgence. That indulgence is thinking that others are interested in what I am writing about. No different than an artist with their paintings, or musicians with their music. The indulgence lies in my own thoughts. The habit is formed in wanting that indulgence and receiving the emotional stimulation. A feeling of accomplishment? 

 Now all of that having been said, do you see what I mean? In the proof reading this comes off as self-serving. I can hear the responses, even the ones not posted. I am fortunate that most of the folks reading my posts are kind. I'm certain the general public would not be as accepting. In fact, I have received some comments, less than complimentary, regarding my thoughts. In a strange way that is a positive thing as well, at least I know someone is reading what I wrote. What's that they say, no such thing as bad press? It's a good thing to touch a nerve now and again, to elicit a response. It is especially satisfying when that comes in response to a truth. When the truth makes someone uncomfortable you have given them something. They may not accept that but as with any gift, it is not in the receiving, it is in the giving. So to those folks I just say, you're welcome.