Just before Christmas, last year, my sister lost her battle with cancer. Now understand, she never lost her battle with life, she remained victorious to the end. She lives yet in my heart and my dreams. It's difficult to accept that reality at times as I'm sure it is for everyone that has lost a loved one. I still reach for the phone every now and again, wanting to make that connection. Ah, but there are no phones in heaven; you know maybe we could learn something from that. I'll set that phone down and say what I had on my mind, silently. It's true that she doesn't always answer, doesn't mean however that she isn't listening. And that was the secret to my conversations with my sister. She always knew when to speak and when to listen. It's a trait I'm afraid I didn't inherit. Perhaps it is part of the, being a Mom thing, that knowledge. If anyone needs that quality it would be a Mom.
We spent many years apart, my sister and I, busy with life and the living of it. Careers and choices having taken us in separate directions. In retrospect I believe that is just the way it was supposed to be. When we are younger, our passions run a bit hotter, and emotions can surface at anytime. We have yet to learn the lesson of restraint. Is it maturity? That's a term applied to describe that knowledge gained over the years. I think of it more as a tempering. The base material is the same, it has just been seasoned. In our later years we reconnected and we were ready for that. We began to journey together once again, just as we had as children. We did grow up together, my sister and I. As children we spent many hours playing together. Our brothers being older they seldom played with the " little " kids. And that is what we were called, the little kids. If Mom wanted us she would say, the little kids. We were always the little kids.
I miss those conversations with my sister. It was then we would journey back in time together. Two people with first hand accounts. It is always interesting to hear another first hand account of a time and place you are sure you know. Interesting to hear that it isn't the way you thought or remembered it to be. That would happen with us occasionally. Well the little kids weren't told everything. My sister was older than I and so privy to some information I was not. That isn't to say I didn't harbor some secrets as well. I would share those little tidbits as they arose in our conversations. I would call it context. The reason something was, wasn't always what you thought it to be. I'm thinking about those things we call little white lies. Yes they are less than truthful but the intent is good, to spare hurt to another. And, being family, we did share family secrets. You know, those little tidbits of information you gained about a brother, cousin or another. That information they wished no one knew. Gossip? No, it isn't gossip if you talking about your family, it's only gossip if you are talking about outsiders. I'd say it was confiding, which is a different action altogether. Confiding in another is a positive action. My sister was my confidant!
As much as I miss her I do think we had all the time together we were intended to have. I can't recall a time when we had harsh words exchanged between us. She just accepted me as her brother and she is my sister. There was no drama between us. I'd say we shared the drama of life almost as detached observers. She listened to my problems and I hers. Suggestions were made, encouragement offered, and information shared. We were a team. The little kids all grown up. She is listening still and occasionally answers. I just need to learn to listen better. When we were little kids she tried to tell me, I didn't listen. I guess some things just never change.
We spent many years apart, my sister and I, busy with life and the living of it. Careers and choices having taken us in separate directions. In retrospect I believe that is just the way it was supposed to be. When we are younger, our passions run a bit hotter, and emotions can surface at anytime. We have yet to learn the lesson of restraint. Is it maturity? That's a term applied to describe that knowledge gained over the years. I think of it more as a tempering. The base material is the same, it has just been seasoned. In our later years we reconnected and we were ready for that. We began to journey together once again, just as we had as children. We did grow up together, my sister and I. As children we spent many hours playing together. Our brothers being older they seldom played with the " little " kids. And that is what we were called, the little kids. If Mom wanted us she would say, the little kids. We were always the little kids.
I miss those conversations with my sister. It was then we would journey back in time together. Two people with first hand accounts. It is always interesting to hear another first hand account of a time and place you are sure you know. Interesting to hear that it isn't the way you thought or remembered it to be. That would happen with us occasionally. Well the little kids weren't told everything. My sister was older than I and so privy to some information I was not. That isn't to say I didn't harbor some secrets as well. I would share those little tidbits as they arose in our conversations. I would call it context. The reason something was, wasn't always what you thought it to be. I'm thinking about those things we call little white lies. Yes they are less than truthful but the intent is good, to spare hurt to another. And, being family, we did share family secrets. You know, those little tidbits of information you gained about a brother, cousin or another. That information they wished no one knew. Gossip? No, it isn't gossip if you talking about your family, it's only gossip if you are talking about outsiders. I'd say it was confiding, which is a different action altogether. Confiding in another is a positive action. My sister was my confidant!
As much as I miss her I do think we had all the time together we were intended to have. I can't recall a time when we had harsh words exchanged between us. She just accepted me as her brother and she is my sister. There was no drama between us. I'd say we shared the drama of life almost as detached observers. She listened to my problems and I hers. Suggestions were made, encouragement offered, and information shared. We were a team. The little kids all grown up. She is listening still and occasionally answers. I just need to learn to listen better. When we were little kids she tried to tell me, I didn't listen. I guess some things just never change.
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