In a moment

 My granddaughter has gained acceptance into the National Junior Honor Society. I couldn't be prouder. The wife and I agreed to buy her a new dress for her acceptance ceremony. As it turned out I wound up taking her to Kohls and my wife was unable to come along. So, it was just Morgan and Grandpa. When we got to the store she jumps out of the car and heads for the door. I can't explain why but when I saw her taking those long strides of hers, and her hair flying in the breeze, I knew I wasn't taking a child to buy a dress, I was taking a young lady. The child was still there, it was in evidence by her excitement, but somehow she had grown in that moment. I quickened by pace to catch up. We entered the store and she went directly to the dress department. I lingered there for a minute and Morgan says, you can look around Grandpa, it's kinda creepy. I knew instantly what she meant and had to agree. It was creepy, an old man hanging out in the woman's clothing department, following a young girl around. I headed for the back of the store and browsed at electronics and home décor.
 This being 2016 and all Morgan had her phone with her. She sends me a text saying she is trying on dresses. Oh, okay. After a bit I wander up to the dressing area to see if I can locate her. There are two store employees, both young ladies, stocking and straightening the clothing. As I linger around the dressing room I'm getting looks. I don't blame them, I felt a little strange and I'm certain they did as well. I don't see Morgan and it is getting uncomfortable. I'm getting guarded glances from the employees. Then our eyes meet. I immediately begin to explain that I'm just an old Grandpa and have a granddaughter here. She is supposed to be trying on dresses. I am told that the juvenile section and subsequent dressing rooms are in a different location. I take their directions, with many thanks, and get out of there. I'm going back to the electronics !
 Eventually I get another text message that she is ready. I meet up with her and she shows me her choices. I ask if she has tried them on and get that look. You know the one, like, I'm no kid, of course I tried the clothes on. And then, oh, I got matching shoes and a necklace. I'm like, oh okay I guess so. As she checks out she gives me her Kohls cash. It was ten dollars. Hey, that's great, happy to see you being responsible and contributing. She explains that will pay for the necklace. The cashier gives me a look like, Grandpa has been taken to the bank. In the final transaction Morgan receives 15 dollars in Kohls cash, which she keeps for herself ! I'm beginning to understand. She really isn't a child anymore.
 It was an awakening little trip for me. I wasn't out with my " little " granddaughter. I was with , gasp, a " teenager ! " I have become just the driver. I don't blame her it was an awkward situation. She didn't mind me paying, just don't stand too close. On the ride home she is busy just talking away, as teenagers do, about her new outfit. She is telling about being so nervous in front of people and all that. She has a presentation to give at school today about Civil Defense in the 1940's. Did I mention we also had to buy a dress for that ? So we talk about Civil Defense and I'm telling her about the air raid drills we had in school when I was a kid. I tell her about the " red " scare. She is taking notes about this to use in this presentation. What, you haven't completed it yet ? She says no, I have to present an argument as well. After talking a bit she decides to go with the argument that in reality the Civil Defense program was more of a propaganda tool than an actual defense. She understands that hiding under a desk isn't going to save you from a nuclear bomb ! She had read about Chernobyl in history class and so knew about radiation. She finishes the conversation with a request. If you come to the induction ceremony for Honor Society don't wear the new hat you bought a few days ago. And with that I know, the little girl is gone, replaced by a teenage girl worried about appearances. Insecurity I suppose. I understand that. I feel a little touch of sadness, mixed with pride, followed by amusement. Strange how they seem to grow, in a moment, and it is never the same again.   

speaking of loss

 As I sit and ponder the significance of this day I am struck with a sense of loss. I have never had to endure the loss of a loved one in war. Oh, I have had many ancestors that served and as far as I know all returned. So what is this loss that I feel ? A loss of life or the loss of what once was. I think a little of both. With each war and conflict a little bit of America is lost. Just a small amount surrendered in exchange for the peace that follows conflict. The cost is great, the price must be paid, and our brave men and women have done so, repeatedly. The cost in lives is calculable, but immeasurable.  The cost to the ideals of a nation is also immeasurable.
 Yes, we won our freedom through battle. There was no other way. To free ourselves from oppression we had to stand up and be counted. The " minute men " did just that. We formed this republic that men might live free, as equals , and in peace. We fought again in 1812 to keep that hard won freedom. Then in 1861 we fought each other to preserve the union. We fought and killed our own brothers, cousins and Uncles. Americans killing each other. When the hostilities had been concluded and the healing process begun, we established Decoration Day. A day to tend to and remember the dead. Eventually the name was changed to Memorial day and it is what we celebrate today. No one expected this day to become a " weekend " or a " sale " day. It does speak to the loss I am feeling. A loss of humanity, compassion and empathy. Oh yes the real meaning is mentioned, as a reminder. Sadly there are many that require that reminder.
 The realities of war have not changed over the centuries. The reasons remain pretty much the same as well. It is either to keep what was gained or to gain something new. Well at least that is the primary reasons I think. After a nation is formed and relations established with " foreign " nations it can get complicated. Patriotism is the usual motivator for the enlisting of those that would fight. It has been forever so. Yes, some will join for other reasons, security or whatever, but the commitment must still be made. A commitment to put yourself in harms' way. And just what enforces that commitment ? Mostly it is pride ! Used to be it was always stated as a mans' pride but the women have been just as brave. All of that is a different discussion however. Let's just say man's' pride has carried him in the fight. To be labeled a coward is a worse fate than death. Hasn't that always been the case ? This clinging to an ideal is what inspires action. Having made up our mind about something we persevere, the talking is over.
 It is that I am thinking about when I think of loss. Are we, as Americans, beginning to surrender that commitment, that certainty of action that sustained our republic all these years ? When I consider the percentage of the population that has little to no regard for patriotism, and an understanding of that precept, it makes shudder. I am not speaking of those men and women that continue to join and serve in our nations military forces. I would not question their loyalty. An army requires the support of the citizens it protects. If those same citizens become complacent in their support the army will suffer. The citizens must believe in that nation as those that serve it. It is a good thing, this outcry I have been hearing in the last few years. The outcry to support the troops. The loss resides in the fact that we must do so. The loss is that is not being taught to our children.
 What needs to be taught is that is fitting and proper to take a stand. It doesn't make you more intelligent or enlightened to fabricate excuses and explanations for not committing. We established this Republic and wrote down the reasons for doing so. We then wrote down the basic premise of a Nation and just what our ideals are. It would seem that those ideals are being lost in the smoke of battle. The jubilation of freedom is being drowned out by the sound of canon. It is proper and fitting to stand for your country and defend her ideals ! When the basic precepts and concepts of a nation are bring challenged the nation is weakened. As Teddy Roosevelt pointed out , "In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American ... There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag ... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language ... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."

Theodore Roosevelt 1907

It is that loyalty that is being lost. That is the loss I am feeling. That many had their lives taken from them in the defense of that premise is just the exclamation point. We speak of " sacrifice " and " bravery " when we should speak of loyalty and trust. No one went to war to die. As to bravery, is that just a measure of pride ? A commitment made and a commitment fulfilled. No excuses, no rhetoric, no bull excrement ! On this day I will kneel before the fallen and commit to keep the dream alive, to preserve those ideals. On this day I take pride in being an American. It is so everyday. One Nation, that is the ideal, that is the goal. On this memorial day, when speaking of loss, consider the price that was extracted, a debt paid in full. Lives are lost in battle but so too dreams live in that fight. We are all obligated to continue in that fight. Do not surrender the dream for your own convenience. That is the loyalty and commitment that Teddy was talking about. It has nothing to do with prejudice or bigotry, it has to do with loyalty. The talking is over.

making changes

 I recently bought a new pair of glasses and changed the style of the frames. As a rule I generally wear the same style for a long time. I had aviator frames for many years and then switched to a more rectangular shape. It is the later that the grandkids remember the most I am sure. But Grandpa felt like a change and I went round. Well almost round but really a oval. The grandkids laughed out loud and couldn't believe it. I guess they thought I was just joking with them or something. They have become used to them I guess as I don't hear many comments anymore. Now, the other day I was out shopping with the wife and saw a hat. I like hats and wear one all the time. It has been the traditional ball cap for me for many years, although I am always looking for a good hat. So, I see this hat, more properly a cap, and decide to buy that. It is what they call a newsboy cap. Well, the kids freak out again. My granddaughter says, you look like a poet or an artist that doesn't know what he is doing ! I'm not certain what that is supposed to mean, but I just laughed about it. I rather like my new cap. I guess my " look " has changed.
 This got me to thinking and I asked the grandkids this; why can young people wear the latest style, no matter how ridiculous, and they are cool or hip or whatever they call it now, but Grandpa can't  ? The answer was because you are old. What they were saying is, I have established myself in their eyes. I am Grandpa and I look a certain way. I'm still wearing the jeans and tee shirt most of the time, except special occasions of course, but these new glasses and cap are throwing them off. It is a kind of " clothes make the man " effect. I am bucking the status quo. Yeah, I'm a rebel alright, guess the cat is outta the bag. Now the grandchildren see the real me.
 I can understand their reasoning though. For most of their lives I have worn pretty much the same things. They have seen pictures of me when I was younger, much younger, and got a chuckle or two out of them. I admit I get a laugh as well with some of the style choices I made. I do not wear the shorts, cargo pants, or camo that is so popular today. Many parents ( kids to me ) wear that stuff, along with sandals or work boots with shorts ( ? ) and that is what they see. It is only us old people that still wear the long pants and our ball caps are worn with the brim facing forward. We don't wear sunglasses much either, unless we are actually in the sun. Yes, I am established in their eyes. They believe they know what to expect from me. It came as a surprise that I might make a different choice. Funny thing is, others view these choices I have made with suspicion as well. They wonder, some openly, what is up with him ? I'll admit it all makes me question myself ! But why shouldn't I change my glasses and cap if I want too ? There is no rule that says I have to remain with the same fashion choices as 1980. Hey, people grow you know. I'm still trying to find myself.  I had a beard for a number of years too, but shaved that off. Those scraggly beards were made popular by the Duck Dynasty boys, maybe that is what I'll do. No long hair for me though.
 I will say there are some style choices that are best left to the younger folks. I see some men and ladies that need someone to inform them of that reality. Perhaps they have no one who cares enough to tell them. I'm not necessarily talking about the " sexy " clothing. No, I just mean the overall look. If you are seventy five  don't wear the clothes and makeup of a sixteen year old, it just doesn't work. Men are no different. Old man legs shouldn't be seen, or old man chests for that matter. In my opinion I'd just look dumb in a pair of cargo shorts and crocs ! Are you kiddin' me ? But. to each their own I suppose. My latest choices have created a little bit of a stir. I'm rocking the boat baby ! The last time I did this I took up wearing suspenders. That didn't last. I think they are reserved for very old men and lumberjacks. They began as a utilitarian accessory to hold up your pants and to prevent plumbers butt. They moved into the fashionable and were replaced by a belt.  One should never wear both at the same time. I'm back to the belt, probably for good. We'll have to see , no pun intended, about the glasses. As for the cap, I'm liking it and maybe I'll be inspired in my poetry. Or maybe I'll take up art. The granddaughter seems to think that is what that cap represents. Could be something to that. Clothes make the man.   

Just because I can

 Occasionally I receive these offers in the mail. Sometimes I am amused and sometimes annoyed by them. This week alone I got two of them. First I got a offer from capital one. Emblazoned on the front of the envelope it says, " you're pre-approved for this offer. " Total annual fee $0. Peeking out of the return address window it says, reservation # enclosed. It even says it was prepared for me. Now don't I feel special. I can't help but chuckle though. I have been pre-approved to apply for their credit card ! I have read the literature in the past and so didn't even bother to open this one. I already know what it says. I have been pre-approved for this offer, this offer to apply for credit, not pre-approved to receive the credit, just apply for it. I'm pleased I received their permission to do so. Ever since I've watched their commercials with the barbarians asking, " what's in your wallet " I have been concerned about that. I'm relieved to find out I can apply. Perhaps that makes me immune from invasion., let's hope so.
 The other piece of literature I got was no more than a postcard. This one however annoyed me to no end. In fact, I get more than a little upset by these types. On the face of it says, " important Medicare/Medicaid information" for recipient only. It is in bold face type and marked urgent, return service requested. Time sensitive material. On the rear it goes on to say I may be eligible for a medical knee or back brace, at no cost to me. Well, who said I needed one of those in the first place ? This literature goes on to imply that I should apply for one regardless of need, to protect my rights ! What it really is, is some company preying off the government programs and senior citizens to make a profit. Infuriating ! Wonder why health care costs so much, wonder why insurance companies charge so much, well there is one of the reasons for that. The application for and receiving of " benefits " that you really don't need. This company is making a living by using various government funded programs. Playing the system ! Really makes me mad. This one is for medical braces but can the one for Jazzy scooters be far behind ? Feeding the entitled mentality is the goal, and lining their pockets with the profits. This is especially effective when you can make your " customer " dependent. Once people start using these devices on a daily basis, as a medical necessity rather than a temporary aid in healing, you have a loyal customer. And that is what they say, a medical necessity and you are entitled to one, at no cost to you ! So, just who is paying ? The government ? And where does the government get their money ? From you !!!! Makes me angry. And then they advertise that they are providing a service.
 I get these offers all the time in my e-mail as well. I expect that as I " allow " certain apps to use my information. It is the price of playing some of those games on Facebook. I don't really mind so much and just delete them daily. The majority of them are just hawking some product or another . I understand that and don't blame them one bit. It is only the ones that attempt to prey upon the seniors ( me ? ) and use government programs to do so. Yes, I'm a veteran and receive notices of all I am entitled too. I read the lines, you earned it, and you deserve this and am disgusted. You know nothing of what I may or may not have done. Do not imply you have done a study of my Naval career and I'm a big hero that deserves the undying financial support of the entire nation. I receive the benefits I am entitled to and have no complaints. Do not try to entice me to abuse the system. I'm not offended, I'm insulted ! Call  me " old school " or whatever but I will not apply for things I do not need just because I can. In short, that has become a big problem in this country. Just because I can doesn't mean I should ! Oh, and I don't need your permission to do so should I decide to so.
  

Taking it back

 Have you ever done something, after having considered it carefully, and then regret that you did it ? What I mean is , I had a scrapbook that belonged to my Dad. He had kept that book during the war. WW2. It was filled mostly with pictures of airplanes and the nose art upon those planes. You see he was in the Army Air Force and flew combat missions over Burma and China in B-24 Liberators. There were some family type photos in there as well but for the most part the scrapbook looked like it hadn't been touched much after1950 or so. The pages were coming loose and the photographs weren't attached to the pages very well anymore. I began to wonder what to do with it. At first I tried contacting a group of WW2 veterans that have a museum of sorts about the nose art that was on those era planes. I thought perhaps they would be interested in these photos and preserve them. I had no success with that. So then I thought my brother in law is retired from the Air Force I'll give them all to him. I just couldn't imagine what would have happen to them if I did nothing. I'm retired Navy and I don't think either of my boys would have an interest in them. Well, it's complicated but I took that scrapbook apart and sent the pictures to my brother in law. I kept the family photos for myself. Now I'm regretting that I did that. Now I wish I had left that scrapbook intact. But there is no taking it back, what's done is done.
 I see on Facebook that scrapbooking is a big hobby these days. Perhaps that is what made me think about this choice I made. Not that my father spent any great deal of time or effort on this book, it was just pictures fastened to black pages. The book was purchased at the airfield were he was stationed and is embossed with that logo. That is the only decoration on it. Still that scrapbook must have meant a lot to him, for him to have kept it intact all those years. I rarely saw it as a child and have no idea were he stored it. I understand though how something can have great meaning to you and not be displayed. Just because I don't admire it everyday doesn't mean I don't want it. Now I feel a tinge of guilt for having dismantled it. No matter the good intentions I had when doing so, I'm thinking I should have left it alone. Well we all have our little regrets don't we ? I have other things that belonged to him that I cherish and display. I do believe those pictures are in good hands and will be cared for. I still have the album that they were in so that's something I suppose.
 So my question to you is this, have you ever done something with the best of intentions and then regretted it ? The regret comes not from the action itself, but from the effect it has on you. It very well may be that giving those pictures to my brother in law will assure their survival, a very good thing. The fact remains that I took that scrapbook apart and I feel guilt for having done so, the effect upon me. You could call it a sacrifice but that is just sugar coating the truth. I didn't consider that when I took that book apart, I was thinking of the pictures. I wasn't thinking what a great and noble sacrifice I was making. Now I wouldn't do it. There is no " taking it back. " That is the basis of this regret, not having done the deed, but being unable to change to outcome of that action. I relinquished control. That scrapbook was disassembled, my fathers work undone. What was I thinking ?

Coverture

 After writing yesterdays blog I received some feedback. That is always welcome and I learned a new term from it. That term is " coverture. " I am always excited to learn about something new, especially when that something new is very old. I hadn't heard about this idea of coverture before and so went to Wikipedia to learn about it. Here is what it says," Coverture was a legal doctrine whereby, upon marriage, a woman's legal rights and obligations were subsumed by those of her husband, in accordance with the wife's legal status of feme covert. An unmarried woman, a feme sole, had the right to own property and make contracts in her own name. Coverture was enshrined in the common law of England …" Well who knew ? Having never read Blackstones' Commentaries on the laws of England or attending law school I was woefully uninformed. This law was obviously written and ratified by men. Well, you do have to have a boss in any relationship don't you ? I mean when it comes to financial decisions and such, someone does have to have the final authority. This concept of coverture does seem extreme to us in 21st century though. The woman could never be the CEO she surrendered that position to her husband.
 It is no secret that our laws mostly derive from the common law of England. William Blackstone was widely read and studied in America. Many of those concepts that he wrote about are still in force to this day. Proof would seem to be the necessity for a pre-nuptial agreement. I'm guessing that paper would negate the principle of coverture. The woman gets to retain her independence all the while being married. An equal partner ? What a modern concept that is. The idea of asking for a pre-nuptial agreement sometimes appears to show a lack of trust in the wife, doesn't it ? The same is true if the lady asks her potential husband for one. Protecting their interests it is called. Of course the primary interest should be in each other but practicality dictates otherwise. Ah, the troubles of the wealthy. They are the only ones that worry about that stuff.
 This idea of coverture could be viewed negatively by the ladies. They needed to subsume their legal rights and obligations. Of course you must remember it was voluntary. The lady could always say no and retain those rights and obligations. So why would she get married ? Must be for love. And a loving wife is a submissive wife, isn't that the thinking. A man must conquer the woman. Do we not say, she " surrendered " while the man conquered. To subsume, that is allow her rights and obligations to be absorbed by her husband, was the gesture of submission expected by common law in England. Male dominance is a common theme throughout history. Brute strength before everything else. That is the premise of war. If I can't get you to agree, I just attack you physically until you submit.
 The idea of a wife being submissive to the husband is even in the Bible.
Ephesians 5: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her  26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,  27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.  28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—  30 for we are members of his body.  31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”  32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.  33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. [Eph 5.22ff]
Notice though the obligations of the husband in this contract. In order to fulfill that contract the husband must have the authority to act. So, it stands to reason that " coverture " existed and indeed exists in some fashion to this day. Yes ladies it is for your own good ! Coverture is not really a submission after all but a sign of respect. Respect and trust, just as one should respect and trust in the Lord ! Now it is generally accepted that God is a man. It logically follows that man is the closest thing to God on earth. That is why the woman has to respect and submit to their husbands in everything. Sounds right to me. I realize others may not agree. Interesting the things we learn from one another.

A matter of convenience

 In following the branches of the family tree one encounters many twists and turns. The same blood flows throughout those branches. It is easy enough to follow with the man , as their name has been traditionally carried down. With the ladies it is not quite so clear. Maiden names are often lost to time. That is true today, although I would say things are documented better today and that information more accessible. Before all this social security and government tracking of us a marriage record was the best method to determine that. In fact, the only way that was legally provable. Even in that, we relied upon the honesty of the Pastor for our " bona-fides. " There were no official government stamps or notaries. Signatures upon a paper as witness often sufficed. Paternity was established by the " say so " of the father. No testing existed to disprove false accusations or confirm those same accusations. It is not lost on me that the most compelling evidence of past births and paternities were those written in the family Bible. It was proof positive for many years, upheld in a court of law as being the truth. After all no one would record a lie in the Bible ! That in itself speaks volumes about our society and the Christian tradition. We still swear upon that Bible to " tell the truth " so help me God.
 A strange thing about all this is that the blood appears to stop with the name. That is to say, if a man has no male heirs the line ends with him. That is the way it has been viewed throughout most of history. At least in Europe and the New World it has. I can't speak for every culture and I'm sure there are exceptions. I wonder why that should be so. In todays world we would just blame it on male chauvinism. Is that the case ? If so how has that tradition managed to survive for hundreds of years and so many generations ? Now I know it didn't count when it came to Kings and Queens, the royal order. A female may assume the throne. Is that really related to the blood or is it a means of retaining power ? When it comes to royalty; paternity is everything. Why should that not be so with the " commoners ? " The blood of the father flows through the veins of his daughters as well as his sons. How is it we allow that blood, that name, to get lost ?
 That is changing somewhat with this hyphenated name thing. There are many that find that strange and some find it insulting. Is it a sign of too much " independence " for a lady to wish to retain her maiden name ? Does that represent a less than 100% commitment to the husband ? I mean, should she subjugate herself to her mate ? Hasn't that been the traditional view ? Recently a book and movie portraying just that was widely popular. Fifty shades of Grey was the title. It is a fantasy piece isn't it ? Or does it really portray what every woman wants ? Oh, I can get myself in big trouble for that line, can't I ? The alpha man would agree with that assessment. Are we trying to marginalize the alpha male in society today and replace him with one more docile ?
 I expect this whole name thing came about merely as a matter of convenience. One person has to change their name to identify with another. The male of the species traditionally was the main provider. He was the hunter/gatherer. The very basic necessities of life were his responsibility. Food and shelter is his job. So did the woman change their name because they were conquered, or did they just agree to the practical nature of that arrangement. Perhaps it was pride that motivated that. The woman being proud of her man ! Sounds right to me. Again, I may be getting myself in deep water here, hope I don't drown. But why should a mans' female heirs be less important ? Doesn't every man want a son. A son to carry the name forward throughout history. A woman would only do that if her father were one of two things, rich or famous. Perhaps that explains that. Us commoners are neither, and so it is of no importance. Could that explain the disappointment a man feels without sons ? Is that something that has been taught to us, or is it instinctive ? Given the history, as we know it, I think it is the later. A man just naturally wants sons. His sons are his life carried forward. The son becomes the father, on and on, generation after generation. A son may carry some of the accomplishments of the father, adding them to his own. Do we not take pride in our fathers ? Conversely do not the ladies take pride in their mothers. She instinctively wishes to emulate her. Mother took the name of her husbands' family and so should I. It is what is expected. But I see all of this changing today. Our roles are not as easily defined. It does contribute to the confusion. What was adopted, as a matter of convenience, has become a stumbling block. A gesture of mutual respect turned into an insult ?
 As a person with an interest in genealogy I find the whole thing quite frustrating. Attempting to identify my female ancestors is the biggest challenge. Where no records can be found it is impossible. Even in those cases when the female is identified as say, Mary Smith, the identity of her parents may not be recorded. Maiden names are the bane of the genealogist. They are anything but convenient. Just another one of those little ironies in life.   

Independant interests

 Do you find it difficult to maintain interest in things that do not interest others ? What I mean is, do you require some feedback about this interest. Contrary to what I think, I apparently do. I do not lose interest exactly, but put it aside when I do not receive any support. Or, more properly, encouragement. You can also call it reassurance. Does that stem from insecurity ? That would be the easy diagnosis. I find myself returning to those interests time and again but then becoming discouraged. A lack of perseverance ? That's another view of the situation. The flip side to that is just moving on. It is true I have yet to discover an activity I would consider myself expert at. I am the proverbial " jack of all trades " and master at none. A regular renaissance man so to speak. Well, except I can't draw or paint, or do sculpture. But I can do a little of most every trade. Something I inherited from my Dad. Like him, I learned enough stuff to get by just fine. I admit he was far more proficient at far more trades than I will ever be. I'll blame that on spending twenty years in the Navy.
 I guess what I am asking here is, is doing something just for yourself enough ? Is it enough to just satisfy your own interest in something ? Can a finished work, and finished is key to the question, be enough without receiving outside verification. Say, I write a poem. I'm happy with it but it does not receive any acclaim from anyone else, is it still good ? Apply that to anything you choose. I wonder if that is what an artist sees in their works, are they so certain of its' value that they do not require reassurance ? If I were the only one to appreciate my " art " is it worth doing ? That is the central question here. How many artists or authors were not appreciated in their time only to become known as the masters ? Did they just posses supreme confidence in their work ? Or was it that they just didn't care whether you liked it or not ?  Does it stem from a desire to contribute to mankind or is it a desire to just satisfy yourself, even when that desire has no effect on anyone else ? I think perhaps it has something to do with purpose. You must believe that whatever it is you are doing serves a purpose. Is it sufficient that that purpose is just to please you ? Would that not be feeding your ego ? How hungry is your ego ? By this questioning of my motives I am forced to face this question, is my ego insatiable ? Is that why I can't seem to stay focused on any one thing ? Or is it insecurity ? Hmm. I'll have to think bout that.

Mystery and nuance

 I received a copy of a picture from my sister. She found this photo behind another photo. There is some writing in the lower margin that so far defies deciphering. Damn the cursive writing ! The only other clue is that it came from my Great Grandfathers house. The picture that covered that photo was of my father when he was in the war. I expect that picture was placed in that frame around 1943 or so. That means the other photo is at least seventy years old, probably older than that. Just who the bride is, is a mystery. That she is a family member is extremely likely, but who ? There is a disconnect here. I am hoping to reestablish the connection. There is no one that would have first hand knowledge of that photo that I am aware of. My own Mother has no clue and Dad has been gone since 1990.
 As I wondered about that picture I was looking at the ones I have on my walls. A good portion of them are my ancestors. I know who they all are and despite my advice and cajoling to do so, I have yet to write on them to identify each one. Just as the person who wrote upon the mystery picture did, I'm thinking others will know. Maybe they will or maybe they won't. I wonder what will become of them. Will they get stored away somewhere and become disconnected ? Someone at some point realizing that they are probably relatives of theirs, but not knowing who. Then I began to wonder, are names enough ? Should I also attempt to write a chronicle about each person. I have gathered some scattered facts about the older ones and could, of course, add whatever first hand knowledge I have. Should I write these mini-chronicles and attach them to the rear of the photo ? I wonder if that would serve as a lifeline, saving the picture for posterity ? Another thing to consider.
 My immediate concern is attempting to discover the identity of the bride. she was quite attractive and I'm thinking stylish for her day.  Not being an expert in wedding dresses and fashion her hat looks like something from the 1920's. I'm not certain why I feel that way but I do. It looks like an expensive gown as well. I wonder if that speaks to her station in life, or is an aberration. It is hard to resist the urge to make facts fit the picture rather than the picture supporting the fact. I want more than a good guess. Maybe that is all I will get though, a good guess. I have some other old photographs that fall into that category. I think I know but I'm really guessing. Those fascinate me but what interest would they have to another ? And so, I'm back where I started. I'm not certain where to go from here. Perhaps I'll post the picture online. I don't have much hope that it will help though, unless they have Facebook in heaven. I do think I will print the handwriting on the bottom of that picture in the hope that someone may be able to read it. I just can't make it out. I'm a big supporter of teaching cursive writing to our children but in this case that cursive is like hieroglyphs to me. Should I decide to actually go through with my chronicling of the pictures I will print. I'll have the printer print it ! Only thing I will need to choose is the font. I will choose a simple one.
 Here is what I'm thinking. Now, the picture in the frame was my Dad. I'm thinking it was placed there by my great grandmother. She was the one who raised him. Her daughter Clara passed away a few days after giving birth to him. Is the bride grandmother Clara ? Would you place the picture of your grandson over the picture of your daughter ? Or is the bride someone else ? If so, who would be of lesser importance that you would cover it up ? Now that is something I'll never know the answer too. The nuances of life. They are captured in pictures and text. Sometimes they are captured with the actions we take. Are they hidden motives or just casual choices ? Most likely, both.

Ridin' the pine

 A few weeks back I decided to retire. My stated reason at the time was the aggravation was greater than the compensation. That was not a complaint about the monetary aspect however, it was about how I was feeling. When your personal contribution just doesn't seem worth it, it is time to walk away. Is that what they call, loving your job ? Yes, I think that it is. Up until this point in my life I never had that option, to just walk away. Did I love all the jobs I have had. The answer is no. I did what was necessary. That doesn't make me a hero or anything, just responsible. And it should be noted that being responsible doesn't always mean doing your best. It does mean doing enough. It doesn't include quitting ! Is retiring quitting ? No, I don't think that it is, I think it is more like sitting on the bench. I'm still here and available should the need arise. In baseball jargon they call it " riding the pine. " You are either getting a bit old or just not quite good enough, but you have potential.
 As with every change we make it takes time to adjust. I have been busy taking a vacation, something different and not part of the normal routine. The question is, what is the normal routine when you are retired ? Oh I have projects and plans to keep me occupied, that isn't an issue, but what will be the compensation ? That is to say, what will I gain ? I do believe we should be productive our entire lives. We were not placed here to just take up space. Each life is a miracle and a gift and should not be squandered on selfish desires. We need to contribute. The secret is to receive personal satisfaction from that contribution. Wouldn't that be selfish ? It seems like a bit of a quandary. You could say, I earned it. Have I ? Another question to ponder.
 So early on in this " retirement " phase of living I am feeling like I'm sitting on the bench. I'm not a part of the team anymore , more like a player you would pick up on waivers. When the need becomes desperate, send me in. The " pinch " hitter. I'm not 100% but the odds are good I'll get the job done. I'm certain that will change over time. After some time has passed you will become nothing but a memory to your former team. The sentences will begin with I remember and I used to. I expect that is a part of aging. The longer we are around the more we use those phrases. Am I really ready to say, I used to ? Speaking in the past tense is generally a melancholy thing. Some would call it resting on your laurels, but I find it to be an uneasy feeling. What is expected of you in retirement ? I'm not feeling confident in that role yet. I know, give it time. It is one of those things you have to figure out for yourself. All the good advice and helpful suggestions will not satisfy. I need to find my new role for myself. It is only when that happens when I'll know how to play the part. 

An amusement

 Are we here for others or for ourselves ? That is a question humanity has asked since the beginning. I don't think we are any closer to an answer today than we were a thousand years ago. Instinctively we know that just doing for ourselves is a selfish act and that is wrong. In the Christian tradition God so loved us that he sacrificed his only son to save us from ourselves. It is from that feelings of guilt stem when we fail to care for our fellow man. There are instances when instead of repenting for our misdeeds we attempt to justify them. We employ logic and reason, much like the fictional Spock of Star Trek fame would. Eliminate the emotions ! But, eliminating the emotional means eliminating the soul. Isn't that the truth of it all. Humanity is propelled by emotion. Logic and reason will not satisfy the need. We can talk and discuss until we are exhausted but at some point action must occur. The logic and reason may fuel the emotional response. That response may be viewed in a negative light, after the fact, but action is necessary. Conflict and war may be the result, a revolution may take place, or perhaps just the reaffirmation of what is already known. We are pushed to action when we become uncomfortable. That occurs when we allow ourselves to be made so. Self doubt is the corrosive that eats away at our souls. What is required is a certainty of the soul.  It is more than just knowing, it is believing. Knowledge and belief are separated by a very thin veil. And so we must ask, what is this soul ? It is in the origin of the soul that hold the answers.
 Are our souls are own ? That is to say, is each soul unique, independently created, or formed by others ? Does life begin with the creation of a soul ? Do you have to be born before gaining a soul ? Just where does the soul come from ? I would say the soul is a gift from the creator of life, whatever you conceive that creator to be. It has been long established that humanity shares the same basic " rights " as written in our Declaration of Independence. It was declared in that document that those rights stem from God. God is, to me, the creator of life. It follows then that the soul comes from that God as a gift, a part of creation. A piece of the whole. Each of us are just a piece of the whole of humanity. As such we are obligated to care for the whole. We are not here to satisfy ourselves but to contribute to the whole. We are to do so even when it is uncomfortable. The discomfort should serve as a reminder. Discomfort will move us to action. The action we choose should be of benefit to others, not necessarily to ourselves. Relief comes from doing what is right and just. How can we know ? We can only compare it to a standard. It is the adoption of that standard that defines us and I would say our soul. That is the choice we are given. How we use the gift we have been given will determine success or failure.
 We must remember our obligation is as much to instruct, as to grant. Just as a parent should instruct their children so should we serve as an example to humanity. All things in moderation. Aristotle spoke of moderation in all things. Often that phrase is attributed to the Bible but that isn't so. I submit the truth of it is so great that it became associated with the Bible. The Bible does contain words of truth. Yes, I know, man has tampered with the text. The moral of the story remains the same however and that is what is of importance. It is that moral that we should focus upon, not necessarily each word of the story. That is the moral standard I try to employ.
 What does all of this have to do with the question, are we here for ourselves, or for others ? Guess that depends upon the answer to this question, are you here as a random act or here to serve a purpose ? Are we all just an amusement ? The ancient Greeks thought so, as evidenced by their mythology. They believed in Gods, Gods that would interfere in the events of man. Would a single God do the same ? Having read my Bible and gaining some understanding of the moral of that story I would have to say I am here to serve some purpose. I was created as a part of the whole and therefore belong. When my purpose has been fulfilled I will be gone. It is not imperative that I know my purpose in order to fulfill it. That is a part of the struggle we call life. 

acquiessence

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. That is what is commonly called the Serenity prayer. I believe almost everyone in the civilized world has heard it. The words are sound advice. I have had to say that prayer to myself on numerous occasions, more so recently than at any other time I can remember. It just seems like there are many that can't tell the difference anymore. So many believing that everything can be, or should be changed. It takes just as much courage to maintain standards as it does to change them. To stand in opposition to the popular " recommendations " can be very difficult. You do have to be willing to endure ridicule. Serenity is required !
 There are times when I experience a growing frustration with all this nonsense. What has happened ? How can a majority of the people become so blinded to truth ? Is it because of this " information " age ?  If you so desire you can find supporting articles and " scientific " evidence to support just about any cause you choose. What is often ignored is the contradicting evidence that is in equal abundance. But that is the point in wisdom. Experience, knowledge and common sense all combine to give us wisdom. Lacking any, or all of them leads to this nonsense. I can understand the young, their youth deprives them of experience, not their fault. Knowledge must also be tempered with experience and so the young can not " know " the same information as those with more experience. Knowledge is more than facts. As to common sense, that is not taught, but acquired. Some folks never acquire that attribute and I have no explanation for that. They may be intelligent people indeed as compared to average intelligence. We have all known or know people like that. No common sense whatsoever. What I become frustrated with today is, the apparent teaching to abandon common sense and base everything on popular opinion. If the majority agrees it must be right. That couldn't be farther from the truth. That is the wisdom to know the difference.
 It is the discernment of truth that is central to this issue. Each of us believing in our own truth. For myself, and millions of others, truth is based in the Bible. Millions more base their truth in their religious texts. If we remove all of that from the discussion ( religious faith or doctrine ) what shall we base our truth on ? This is a popular movement in the present time. The total rejection of a " higher power " is being accepted in society as perfectly fine and normal. Saying anything to the contrary will get you lambasted with a litany of ridicule. Even those that believe in that higher power will chime in, saying that higher power demands that of you ! I don't believe that to be the truth. My God wishes me to spread the word. Now we could get into a big discussion about how that action is to be accomplished and a string of opposing examples and abuses cited, but that is not the point here. The point is the acceptance of that higher power. Yes, I know, my truth. It is really more than that. It is the acceptance, in general, that there is no higher power than man I find so troubling. The removal of that component in a society can only lead to disaster. There are many examples of that throughout history if one but reads the story. When government exists to appease the people that government soon crumbles. Interesting to note is that societies have existed for centuries when the government oppressed the people, but the people retained faith.
 For those that wish to only satisfy their own wishes and desires an attack upon truth is the most effective way. Use the other persons weakness against them is the strategy here. Removing the consequence from wrong choices or decisions is of paramount importance. Many of our choices are based in the intangible thing we call morality. If we can convince others that there are no directives other than their own feelings and man's laws, we will accomplish that task. Everyone is subject to temptation and weakness. The serenity prayer is often associated with the twelve step program for recovering alcoholics. The appeal for help is made to a higher power. An appeal to the intangible. The truth here being, there is a higher power, a God, whatever you conceive him/her to be. That is the truth, that is the discernment I write about. The distortion of the truth is the agenda. Wisdom comes from experience and man has centuries of experience to draw upon. Why we choose to ignore that history is beyond me. Serenity ? Difficult to achieve in this troubling time. Hard to stay calm when common sense and decency are being abandoned in favor of acquiescence to political correctness and popularity. I have the wisdom to know the difference and it is my hope others will too. I will not acquiesce to this agenda.
  

No place like home

 I have returned from my vacation. The weather didn't cooperate for the final day so we cut it short and headed home. It's alright though, we had a wonderful time. Not having written a blog in a few days I will once again have to get back into it. Funny how habits can be developed and lost. I believe a lot depends upon your environment in such things. It is closely related to the company you keep as well. That is something our parents tried to tell us back when we knew it all and it has taken years for us to dumb ourselves down to the point where we understand that. At home my habit is too sit at this computer, drink my morning coffee and write. The company I keep hasn't changed much in a long time and that is a good thing. Stability in your relationship makes for smooth sailing. The only thing that changed on vacation was the surroundings. We did stay at some pretty nice digs. They did include free Wi-Fi and I had the laptop along but I don't like to type on the laptop. I find the keys a bit too touchy for my style. I'm quite the sloppy typer and strange things happen on that laptop when keys are struck incorrectly. Bottom line is I find it annoying.
 We did the tourist thing at Williamsburg Va. I find meeting other tourists quite pleasant. Funny how folks on vacation are so amicable. The majority of the time everyone seems to be on their best behavior. The only exception being when things aren't going the way they expect, but I suppose that is human nature. This was actually our second trip to Williamsburg and the Jamestown settlement. We had gone before with the family. This time it was just us old folks so things went at a slower pace. Very nice. The first day the weather was perfect. We just strolled through the city stopping to enjoy whatever caught our eye. We took a carriage ride. I loved the feeling of not being rushed. You know when you are with children, especially younger ones, they tend to be excited. They want to rush ahead to see the next attraction before noticing the details. I have found the real fascination is in the details. Quality before quantity is the hallmark of maturity. At least that is what I say now ! Wasn't always so. The second day was rain. Undaunted we headed out for the Jamestown settlement. It was a fairly light rain and the temperature was warm enough. We enjoyed the indoor exhibits, no photography allowed there, and the rain let up just a bit. We headed for the Indian village. We did have umbrellas with us and so it wasn't too bad. The " natives " were still about but staying inside their homes. It is amazing how snug and secure those " homes " could be. You could smell the smoke from the fires used to heat the place. No fires were burning but that smell lingered. I'm certain you become used to that and don't even notice after a while. I learned how to make some rope from the local fauna and then we headed for the fort. I felt bad for one of the " actors " who had to stand in the rain acting as guard to the fort. What a way to make a living. The rain grew a bit stronger but we preserved and headed down to the ships. There are three and I had only remembered two. I, of course, had to board them but the wife stayed ashore. It is not an easy thing to walk about on those ships. They are quite small and crowded. The " ladders " are steep and narrow. No problem for an old salt like myself but difficult for landlubbers. All in all a very nice day all things considered.
 We decided to return home the next day as the rain had intensified overnight and was expected to continue. We were planning to go to the " island " where the first settlers landed. There is an archeological dig going on there. I understand there is also a museum of the artifacts they have uncovered so far. I expect anyplace where they are digging would be quite muddy in the rain ! The truth is it is only about a four hour drive from my home to get there. I figure we will make that a day trip later on this year. So we took a leisurely ride back home, pausing to eat at Cracker Barrel, one of my favorite places. We reserve that luxury for special occasions. Not that Cracker Barrel is expensive or anything but if you go too often the magic is lost. Then it is not special, just ho hum. That's no fun.
 So here I am back in the real world. It isn't a bad place to be, contrary to any implications otherwise. I've got plenty of things planned for the next few weeks to keep me busy. I did welcome my own bed. As Dorothy said, there's no place like home.  
 

On the stage

 You know Shakespeare said, All the worlds' a stage. It is an apt analogy. The thing that he didn't say is that we set that stage by our own actions. If you find yourself constantly surrounded by drama its' probably because of that. You set the stage. I watch other people in their plays and just can't help but be entertained. Mom says you shouldn't laugh at others or judge but I can't help it. I feel as long as I don't do it to their face, it's good. I see others embroiled in drama and they seem confused or clueless as to why. I'm talking about those that you have a casual acquaintance with. They tell you their issues, always someone else doing them wrong, and just can't grasp the whole picture. And it is not that they lack empathy, they just can't seem to figure it out. Folks aren't " acting " out in opposition to them, they are reacting to them. It is their actions that precipitate events. I call those folks the flounderers. I know it is not a real word but it describes them best to them. They just flounder around, trying to find there way. They usually cause a big flap wherever they go. The just don't see that that they bring that with them, believing it discovers them.
 I think of myself more as a traveler. I'm just passing through. On this stage I don't play a leading role , nor do I wish to. Some would tell you that means a lack of ambition. I, of course, would disagree. I prefer to think of it as a learning experience. The knowledge I gain here will benefit me later one. I'm just a bit player. I'm no different from anyone else, I try to set my stage to my own liking. I don't arrange it for an advantage, something the flounderers attempt to do, but arrange it for convenience. I like things to go smoothly. Sometimes you have to make concessions in order to achieve that. That is why I try to avoid drama, it is never convenient. It is downright unsettling ! I appreciate the sublime elements in life. Sentiment, nostalgia and morality fall into that category.  Often misunderstood or misinterpreted by the floundereers.
 It is something we should all consider, our role in life. Each of us do play a part. Yes, some are cast into roles they would just rather not have. Circumstance, fate, or necessity ? That is a question one has to think about. The necessity is to survive. It is the manner in which we choose to do that, that defines our roles. You can rise from any circumstance to achieve your goals. As to fate, there is little that can be done. Do you believe in fate ? That really is an ambiguous question. You could say you create your own fate or that you become what fate allows. Can you influence fate ? I personally don't think you can, although you can influence circumstance. This is accomplished by defining your character. You do that every time you meet someone on this stage. How does that character interact with the other players ? Will it make a difference to fate ? Yes, I think it will. That appears to be inconsistent with my earlier statement that you can't influence fate. I think our character controls our fate. By controlling the character , we can change the fate assigned to that character. Just as an actor on a stage may play his character to perfection and then receive a reward for that, so can we. It is the choices we make that control the character. Keep in mind that the supporting roles are just as important as the lead. In fact, without the supporting roles the lead serves no purpose. It is the supporting players that give credence to the lead.
 Now take these flounderers. They like to draw attention to themselves. They have found the easiest method is to just stir things up. Once the waters have been clouded they complain they can't see. They question why the attention has become focused on them and that the attention is negative. These folks appear on the stage for just a brief moment  and exit. Oh, they may enter and exit often depending upon circumstance but are seldom welcomed. They will not be remembered for their actions but for the reactions they inspired. They are not the solution but the cause. As I said earlier, I'm just a traveler. I'm passing through. I hope to provide some answers and some solutions. That is my role. I'm looking for something, I just don't know what that something is. That is another topic for another day however. Whatever I'm looking for is for myself. Could be that something isn't on this stage. Sounds rather mystical doesn't it ? I try to remember that character defines fate. I do want to make it to a higher stage someday, it is just that I'm not in a hurry. A lack of ambition ? No, to achieve ones goals, one has to have patience. You have to accomplish the mundane before you can achieve the extraordinary.

Apathy

 I saw where Zimmerman wants to sell the pistol he used to shoot Trayvon Martin. Several auction sites refused to do it and I applaud them for that. I understand their position perfectly. Now Mr. Zimmerman says he is a free American and has the right to dispose of his property as he sees fit. That is also true. He is hoping that this weapon has historical value. I disagree. In ten years or so the whole incident will be nothing more than a footnote in history. The tragic loss of life, whether or not you agree with the courts determination of the facts, will be forgotten. It is a sad state of affairs. It speaks strongly to the character of this man that he would attempt to profit such a thing. I'm as equally certain there is someone out there that wants to own that pistol. Historical significance ? I think not.
 To the family of Travon Martin this is no footnote in history. I can't imagine how they must feel. In their eyes he got away with murder and now wants to profit from that. The court did find him innocent and that is the law. As I said, Mr. Zimmerman trying to profit from that is outrageous. The truth is it is his right. I don't like it and don't agree with it at all. That is not the issue here though. He does have a legal right to dispose of his personal property. That the property was used to end a life or defend against losing it, depending upon your view, is not addressed in that law. There are other infamous weapons on display in this country. There are entire museums devoted to the rather macabre fascination with this stuff. Bonnie and Clyde's weapons can be viewed. The pistol Jack Ruby used to kill Oswald. Are they historically significant ? Yes and only to those that the events did not directly affect. Some where sold for profit, but not by the one who used it. That is the difference here.
 The question is how long does it take to become a piece of history ? In this case it has been about four years since that event took place. I would say the wound is still fully exposed. It is only the result of such extensive media coverage that the incident became a national discussion. These things have happened before and are mostly forgotten and unknown except to those directly involved. The weapon was recently returned to Mr. Zimmerman. It was done because he is entitled to it. Sticks in my craw that it is so but I understand. Has the media created the interest in that weapon ? One would have to say so. If not for that would anyone care ? I highly doubt that. Pistols are used every day in America to kill someone. It happens all too frequently. Are each of those pistols significant ? To the families of those shot they would be. What historical significance would any of those have ? Little to none. I would in no way diminish the value of the life of Travon Martin. I would question the historical significance of the case. No precedents were set there, just the interpretation of the existing law. I can't see where this incident changed a thing. Sad but true.
 I will say I find it unfathomable that Zimmerman would be so public about trying to profit from this. It calls his character into serious question. That someone would try to benefit from it doesn't really surprise me, I guess I have become somewhat jaded over the years. It is just another one of those things that make me scratch my head and wonder. Have we become so apathetic ? Just how did that happen ?  In a way my faith in humanity was reaffirmed by those refusing to auction that pistol. I applaud them. There is a silver lining after all.

Scattered thoughts

 I decided to give being retired a try. The first thing I did was go to New York and visit my son and his family. He has a daughter, Shyann, and I don't get to see her often. She is sprouting up,  no doubt about that. The weather was a bit cooler. All is well there and that is a comfort. It is encouraging to see you children happy in their relationships and content. My granddaughter has her friends and is well adjusted. You just couldn't ask for more.
 When I returned home and turned on my desktop computer it failed to start I have no idea what may have happened to it and grew disgusted. Trying everything I know, which isn't much, I failed to get it going. So off to Best Buy I go and purchase another tower. It is a new one but pretty much your basic deal. I'm hoping it will continue to work for a long time. I've been busy loading my files and folders on it. That can be a frustrating experience. But, hey, I'm retired so I've got the time.
 I'll be leaving again Sunday for another vacation. I'm guessing that is what you do when you retire, go on vacations. That seems a little strange or is it ironic ? Either way, I'll be going to Williamsburg Virginia for a few days. My wife and I received this little vacation package as a Christmas gift. We will be staying at a time share. This place has an indoor salt water pool, something I have never seen before. Sure I'm been in salt water many times but never in a pool.  Their outdoor pool is fresh water but I expect it will be a bit chilly for that ! Other than that we don't have any plans. I'm sure we will visit colonial Williamsburg and maybe find some other attraction to entertain ourselves.
 I have noticed that traveling and being on vacation is a distraction. I have lost track of what is going on in the world. It also interferes with my " deep " thinking. I like it. I do feel a lot less stressed out about the world. This " sticking my head in the sand " could easily become a habit. Not really though, I also feel a little left out of the discussion. If there is one thing I do like it is being a part of the discussion !
 While driving to New York I noticed an older couple tending to one of those " roadside " memorials. I couldn't help but wonder if they had lost a son or daughter in an automobile accident. The cross was fastened to a tree and a spray of flowers lay underneath. In that brief moment I saw their pain. I saw quite a few more on my trip. I guess it provides some measure of comfort to some. I wouldn't want to do that and wouldn't want anyone to mark that spot should I be the victim. Please, do not mark the spot of my death, rather remember me where I lived. To me, riding past those memorials is akin to stepping on someone's grave,  a chill goes up my spine. I know it isn't my grave but that could be the spot ! I think this new " custom " is a reflection of society today. Grief and grieving used to be a private thing for the most part, but now is a public display. That way with a number of things nowadays. I'm not certain that is a good thing. Carrying your burdens alone can strengthen your countenance. Well , those of faith never carry their burdens alone and maybe that explains some things as well. The trend now being rely upon " therapists " and public displays. But that is another subject altogether. Oh, and please don't put me on a bumper sticker either, in memoriam.
 I haven't written a blog in three days and I noticed. I found it a little difficult to start writing this morning. What I have written is a bit scattered. Well, no matter it is not a book. I'm glad I don't get graded on these essays. That would be too much pressure. One would think that being retired gives you more time to be observational but so far that hasn't been the case for me. I've been too busy. I have a lot of things that have been on the back burner for years now. Time to get going. Is that why it is called retired ? You get tired all over again. Re-Tired get it ? Hey, I'm not a comedy writer.
 

Road trip

 This morning I will be leaving town for a short vacation. If you can call two days a vacation that is. I will be traveling more than 25 miles from home and staying overnight. I'm doing it for the pleasure of it, so in my book it qualifies. I'm going to visit my son in upstate New York. It'll take six hours or so to drive there from Greensboro. When I was growing up on Long Island I never went that far away until after joining the Navy. I had taken a bus trip to New York City, a good two hour drive and near a hundred miles away, but not six hours away !
 You would think that I would be used to traveling because of my Naval service. I'm not intimidated by it but don't relish it either. I'll enjoy the visit but not the drive. I don't understand why we don't have transporters by now. We don't even have those flying cars the Jetsons' had. Well my bags are packed, I'm ready to go, I'm headin' out the door oh Babe I hate that drive ! Not exactly what John Denver wrote but you get the idea. I'm not takin' a Jet plane either. I have taken a plane that wasn't a jet, have you ?
 I tell the grandkids about when I was their age and the things we did or didn't do. Sometimes they just look at me with a puzzled expression. What do you mean you never went to the movies as a family. I mean just that. I went to the movies but never with Mom and Dad ! Old folks didn't go to the movies in my day. At least not where I came from they didn't. That cost too much money, be patient, it'll come on television in a few years. And yes, television was free to watch, either channel. We didn't go on family vacations either. I knew a family that did though. It was pretty exceptional and progressive. Of course the Dad was some kind of engineer or something and made a lot of money. You had to be rich to go on vacation. And now here I go, just taking off down the road like I don't have a care in the world. I can only imagine what Grandma would have to say about this. I can remember her leaving her home only once, came to my house for Christmas in 1965 or so. I lived three miles away and that was far enough.
 So now I have to eat foreign food. I have grown somewhat accustomed to that. I certainly eat out a whole lot more now than when I was a child. Never did my family go out to eat, at a restaurant. When I was  a teenager we did order pizza out a few times but that was about it. They built a McDonalds at one point and I went there. It was a good drive away, all the way to Southampton.  I expect it was five to ten miles. We did go to the drive in as a family a time or two. Got popcorn and soda from the concession stand, if that counts as eating out. I am looking forward to genuine New York pizza. Can't wait to fold it and pour that grease right in ! When I was in high school I started eating out for lunch. Would go downtown for fries and a coke. Mom wasn't too happy about that, but just shrugged her shoulders and said, if you want to eat junk you can pay for it. I did.
 The worst part about going on vacation though is the bathrooms. I like my own bathroom please. And now I guess I had better keep my eyes open for them trans people. Can't say I have ever seen one for sure, have seen some pretty ugly women though, although not in the men's' room. You have to be aware of your surroundings that's for sure. I remember being told to put my wallet in my front pants pocket to deter pickpockets. That and put a few dollars in your shoe in case you get robbed. Thieves never look in your shoes. You know that is true because isn't that where you put your valuables on the beach ? Ever had anyone steal your sneakers ? Not when I was growing up they didn't. Now those sneakers cost a few hundred dollars so I'm not as confident.
 Daylights a burnin' as the saying goes and I had best get ready. Get a fresh shower and a shave. Make sure to put on clean underwear in case of an accident. No, I'm not that old, I mean an automobile accident. I'll have to make sure everything I the house is turned off and the bed is made. Can't go anywhere with an unmade bed ! I think that might be a federal law or something. So enjoy your day and I'll be traveling. I'm going on a " road trip. " That's what the kids call it to distinguish it from other kinds of trips. Maybe I'll try one of those trips where you never leave the farm. Would be better than just falling down. I'm outta here.

a fatal concession

 Life is a series of concessions ? Man is born with an inherent knowledge of what is right and wrong. That was eloquently stated by Monroe when he wrote that man was created with certain unalienable rights, among those are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We can all agree we are entitled to that. We are also born into a society. Society establishes accepted behaviors and responses. Call them laws, creed or custom. They may or may not interfere with our personal law, creed or customs. In order to live peacefully within that society we have to make concessions. A concession is made in order to receive something in return. Do we concede to the benefit of the society or for our own benefit ?
  It has extended to the taking of life. That has become a " choice " at the concession stand. That happened in our society in 1973 and has been in contention ever since. The woman's' "right " to choose, to make that concession was affirmed by the supreme court. A life in exchange for release from responsibility. The decision was 7-2 in favor of that right. That right was granted by the society contrary to what we inherently know to be wrong. Instead, we provide justification for that by citing documents written by the ones the initially asserted the right to life ! They wrote this but meant that. A convenient concession. What concession shall we make next ? We have conceded that life is not a right if a woman chooses otherwise.
 I had a rather long conversation regarding this last evening online. I should know better than to enter into such things but feel a compulsion to do so. I can not concede to this premise that it is a right of anyone to determine the fate of the unborn. I will say that I feel you can forfeit your right to life by your own actions. Yes, I support the death sentence and it is not incompatible with my thinking on abortion. The unborn are innocent. They did not appear unwanted or unplanned by their own volition. The responsibility does not lie with them. 

defining a constitution

 There is an old saying, you can't please everyone. The reason for that is a simple one to understand, everyone has feelings. Additionally everyone's feelings are usually different ! And that brings me to todays' thought. If we were to quit worrying so much about hurting someone's feelings we might actually get something constructive accomplished in this country. But no, we have to be concerned about offending someone. When I was a child my Mother told me to consider other people's feelings. Yes, be considerate but that didn't mean change your feelings to suit theirs. If , after careful consideration, you determined they are wrong, that's all there is to it. Take this whole bathroom issue for instance, less than .3 percent of the population identify themselves as transgender. I've considered that and they are wrong. I don't care if it hurts their feelings, they can just use the bathroom according to their plumbing ! It is not my intention to hurt their feelings or single them out for discrimination. The thing there is, they choose that themselves. Oh, they say they are born that way or whatever, all the while telling you how it is a lifestyle choice. Well that pretty much says it for me, a choice. If you choose to be different, choose also to live with that.
 The really troubling part in all of this is what lesson is being taught to our children. I was taught to stand up for myself, on my own merits. If I got an " A " on a paper in school I deserved that A and could take pride in it. Now, every child must get that " A " so as not to hurt their feelings. Participation trophies ! You get those for just showing up. Well, in life you aren't going to get anything for just showing up. If we continue to coddle these children with all this touchy feely crap how will anything get done ? You can't run your life or a country on feelings. There are times when you have to get your feelings hurt in order to make progress. Call it motivation, shaming or whatever you wish but it is necessary. I know I heard it more than once growing up, " you should be ashamed of yourself ! " The reason was always the same , because you knew better. You acted upon feelings, not logic or good common sense. You were ashamed for being so stupid. Yeah, hurt my feelings. Tough ain't it ?
 What I see now are groups using these " feelings " to their advantage. It is obvious if you pay attention to what is being said. Illegal immigrants are now undocumented citizens. Those that commit crimes and serve time for that crime are now to be called " justice involved " instead of criminals and felons. The " LGBT " community demanding what ? If they want to call themselves a community that's fine, just stay in your community and I'll stay in mine, no one will get their feelings hurt. Scroll down your Facebook wall. Repost if you hate cancer, love puppies, have a sister or brother you love and on and on. Feelings people, let us display our feelings to show everyone else how sensitive we are. That is our accomplishment for today, I'm empathetic. Being empathetic doesn't mean you have to agree or support every cause that comes along. Like Mom said, be considerate. That means have an open mind and consider what others have to say.  Doesn't mean I have to agree.
 Each of us have to make decisions every day. There are right actions and wrong actions. There are actions we do to benefit ourselves and actions that benefit others. Whatever action we choose to take is a choice. A choice that should be considered. Some things are no brainers. Don't cross the street without looking both ways first. Simple enough to understand. Other choices are not so clear. That is when we should consider the alternatives and the consequences of those alternatives. There are always consequences. Sometimes the correct choice is not the comfortable one. Those choices may chafe. They may even hurt your feelings. The bottom line is, you must have a place to stand. You cannot keep changing your ground and have a firm foundation. Decisions should be based in a firm foundation not upon whatever feelings I am having today. You can't build a life or a nation on feelings. That is why we established a Constitution. What is a constitution ? It is, a body of fundamental principals or established precedents according to which a state or government is acknowledged to be governed. Every individual has a constitution as well, or at least we should have. We often hear that this person has a strong constitution and it usually refers to their physical health. I say it should also apply to their mental acuity. That is their ability to make considered decisions. Yes feelings should be included in making those decisions, but not the sole deciding factor. 
 I will kneel before my God but not before opposition to my beliefs. That isn't to say I will not consider your opinions or your beliefs. I may or may not change my opinion to accommodate your feelings. That would certainly depend upon the strength of my convictions. Never enter a negotiation with the feeling that you are owed anything is my advice. That places you in a position of weakness. Form your own constitution and adhere to it. Do not allow others to define that constitution.

more than stories

 Memories are best when shared. That is something I have come to realize over the years. When the old folks wish to tell their tales of youth and days gone by, they are reliving those days. It is important to them and we should be paying attention. I've learned that as I become the " old " folks. My memories go unchallenged for the most part. You see my wife and children did not grow up in the same town as I. In fact they grew up in a different state altogether. So, my wife doesn't know any of the folks I talk about, just the tales she has heard. Of course, the same is true for her. I have met some of her family and she has a sister that is close but I really don't know anything of her childhood either. We have our own storehouse of memories to share with each other and that is enough. In some ways you could say it is better that way. Neither of us can interfere with a memory the other has. I have found my sister and brothers have different recollections of shared events. It can be unsettling to have your memory challenged.
 Yes there are times when I miss the old homestead. There are times when I wish I could share those memories with someone that was actually there. It is interesting to get that change in perspective when done in a cordial way. Luckily we have a device called a telephone that keeps me in touch. In the last six years or so I have been using this thing called Facebook. I am grateful for that as it does reconnect me somewhat with the people of my youth. Oh, there are clashes every now and again and differences of opinion but so too in real life. We all belonged to our own little groups growing up and that hasn't changed much. Birds of a feather and all that. Time and circumstance may have altered the dynamics but hopefully maturity has an influence as well. Have we really all grown up ? Some have and some have not.
 There are different types of memories as well. There are common memories of places or events. Most of the folks that were there during a certain time will recall those things. Often the memory is a little different from one to another. Many factors figure into that. Your age and social position are important factors in that memory. Shared memories are subject to a shared perception. Not always the same. It is the personal memories that remain unchanged over the years. That is simply because they directly affected you in some fashion. The only ones that can challenge that are the one that were personally there. Whether it is just one or a group that is true.
 I have a tendency to defend my memories. Do you ? Do you feel the need to preserve your memory, intact, just the way you perceived it ? That is to say, will new or different facts change your mind ? I have had the light shone on some things that caused me to do just that. I find it unsettling. When that happens it causes me to reconsider whatever actions followed. The cause and effect may or may not be what I thought. Our memories form the foundation for our beliefs. That is because memory is formed by perception. When our beliefs are tested it is uncomfortable.
 Memories are more than stories. They are the explanation. The how and why of a life lived. I think that is why they are so important to share. They can serve to reaffirm your beliefs, providing justification for your choices. Memories are best when shared for that very reason. Words captured in our mind don't always speak the truth. They must he heard to be understood. And I think you should provide an explanation. There are those that will say you do not owe that. I can understand their point. I don't agree with it however. In my opinion, only the extremely arrogant or close minded individual would feel that way. I know that I have been wrong about things in the past. The least I can do is offer to explain my motivations. That isn't to say I will apologize for them, just offer the explanation.

Think about that

 There is always talk of aliens. Whether they come from outer space or just another country or region, there are aliens. In recent years with the advancement of science and exploration certain planets have been identified as having potential. It has been suggested that we are the aliens. That we traveled here to escape a dying planet. Somehow we lost the technologies we once had and are slowly rediscovering them. It is all speculation as I do not believe we can explain the origins of man. It is my belief that we were created by a higher power, that the universe itself was created by a higher power. I also believe that hypothesis is just as valid as any other.  Mans' collective knowledge is limited in its' scope and therefore all of it is a hypothesis. Belief is what is important to man. Proof only justifies belief. Belief however, requires no proof. Belief stands alone. But this discussion of aliens is not about my philosophy on religion.
 I began thinking about aliens. It occurred to me that we all become aliens. We call it aging but it is really a transformation. We try to remember and hold on to the knowledge of the past but sometimes we forget. That is just the beginning of it though. As the years pass our language begins to change. It no longer fits in. Words change in meaning and whole ideas are interpreted wrong. For those of you that remember didn't the theme song for the Flintstones say, " we'll have a gay ole time ? " Don't think you'll hear that anymore and have it mean the same thing. Then when we try to stay current and use the current language we are stared at, like, well aliens ! At 62 if I say I'm " down with it " it just sounds funny. That phrase is even linked to a commercial, I'm down with Crestor, because you know, all us old folks have high cholesterol. But it's all good. And let's not even start on the clothes issue. In the movies the aliens always dress alike, sound familiar. Quick, what do old folks wear ? Ha, you got the picture didn't you ? We're aliens. We even begin to think differently from the rest of these earthlings don't we ? No, it is the young that have all those crazy ideas. We are not wrong about that stuff, they are. They have yet to learn the knowledge of the ages.  It'll take some time. We " elders " have been learning.
 In the end I think we all die as aliens. We leave this planet to go to another place. We leave behind our collective knowledge and hope it gets remembered, or at the very least rediscovered. We are born in one land and end up dying in another. Sounds like we are indeed the aliens. Of course we may come back to extract our revenge upon these mere mortals. Aliens have super powers don't they ?  Well maybe not so much because we always win. Then again, we are the ones writing the story. How do the aliens end the story ? Will we ever know ? Now we are back to belief aren't we ? And belief requires no proof.  If you don't believe in aliens think about the world when you were, say twelve. Has the world changed or is it you ? If the world has changed you are now the alien, if it hasn't you are surrounded by aliens. Either why the point has been made. Think about that.

roots run deep

 Being a member of Ancestry.com I get notifications from them whenever related events are added that apply to my tree. It is really a wonderful thing. Most times it is a repeat of what I already knew. I do get excited when new pictures are added or a mystery is uncovered. The other day I received a notification about a distant relative, Johnathan Allen Bennett. I had known of him previously as a veteran of the civil war. This notification informed me of the inclusion of some letters he had written home from that war. Although difficult to read I did manage to get the jest of them. Letters like that are always poignant. These are especially so because I know the end result. Johnathan Allen Bennett, is the second great nephew of the husband of my 5th great grandmother. He died, of disease, at Folly Island, South Carolina during the war.
 There is nothing unusual about that. As most know more died of disease and infection in that war than from actual combat. There were many that served from East Hampton in the 127th New York Infantry. In fact, per capita, more than anywhere else in Suffolk County. What I found of particular interest in this " discovery " was that my own Great Grandfather James B Terry had served in the civil war, the 127th New York infantry. He was there at Folly Island South Carolina at the time Johnathan was there. He too was listed as being, infirm, at the time. I have yet to fully research this connection but can assume they were aware of each other. Did they knw they were related ? I would think it is a possibility. They would most certainly have known of each others families. East Hampton is a small close knit community and had been so for generations at that time. They were somewhat isolated from the rest of the country by geography.
 In researching my great grandfather James B Terry I found that after the war he acted as a male nurse. I was shown, many years ago, a little black bag. It looked like a doctors bag but contained knitting. It was explained to me that James would carry that bag with him when he went to nurse. He would sit and knit socks or whatever while tending to his patient. I expect he gained some experience and knowledge while at Folly Island. As near as I can tell he spent about a year there, suffering from some ailment. Was he there when Johnathan passed ? I can't know that for sure without further investigation. That Johnathan was buried there is fact. Perhaps James attended the funeral. Did great grandfather carry those final letters home with him and deliver them ?
 I do think it is an amazing thing though. Here it is 150 years on and I get to see those letters. They were added by someone I don't know, but am likely related too. They are another piece of a puzzle. They hold no great revelation. I wonder if he was aware of the serious nature of his illness. Did he speak with James ? I may engage in further research to try to fill in some blanks. I'll have to begin with this relationship to me.  He is the second great nephew, that means the son of an Uncle of mine, that uncle would be the brother of my 5th great grandmother. This could take some time. My 5th great grandmother was Mary Baker but I haven't researched her brothers and their families. Johnathan would be in there somewhere. I do have a picture of him, and of course my great Grandfather James, in their uniforms. Perhaps I will contact whoever added those letters. That would be a good start. Roots run deep in our neck of the woods. This could be fun.

changing perceptions

 Do we project what we perceive ourselves to be, or do we strive to become what others tell us we should be ? It is difficult, if not impossible, to be completely objective when looking in the mirror. It is equally so when doing a self examination of our motives. These thoughts enter the conversation often when I am talking with myself. Have I spent the majority of my effort trying to fulfill an image created by others, in a different time and place ? That is to say, trying to be what I was told I should be, rather than just being myself. Well now, that would require some serious discussion wouldn't it ? I do believe we are a product of our environment so that much has to be true. It is those standards of moral and ethical conduct that we are taught, as virtuous, when we are children that form the core of our character. Outwardly we may reject those values and declare ourselves " enlightened " but I don't believe one can do so deep down in their soul. Yes you may gain the arrogance to publicly oppose those values but will that erase them from your thinking ? I think not. Perhaps that is why people choose to abuse alcohol and drugs. Perhaps that is why a percentage of the population choose deviant lifestyles. Are those actions an act of defiance ? Could be they are used to cover up whatever conscious thoughts we have and blur those lucid moments of realization ? I'm talking about those times when we know we are wrong but fail to acknowledge that. I don't mean wrong about one thing or making a bad choice, I mean wrong in our philosophy.
 Are we obligated to fulfill the expectations of others. Especially those of the ones who love us ? For me I believe that is part of the contract. Yes, I should attempt to fulfill their expectations. In the big picture the world is not about me. I am only a small piece in a big puzzle. Sure I'll be missed if not present but the picture is still recognizable. I will complete the picture by my presence or lack of it. I am here, at the present time, to fulfill a purpose. The determination of that purpose is what we all seek the answer to. The answer has to be different for each of us. That means we each have an individual function but should function as a unit. The unit is mankind. Included in that is the definition of those basic moral and ethical values that we are instructed in as children. They really are universal in nature. It is only the society in which we are raised that modifies those parameters. It is the society that tells us what we should be. Our lot is cast at birth. Whatever society you are born into defines you. When we separate ourselves from that society, becoming distinct, we are either applauded or jeered. Does that separation occur by choice or circumstance ? The answer is both.
 When we choose to separate ourselves from that society is that a rejection of that society ? Does it stem from knowledge or arrogance ? Or does it occur because you feel you can not meet the expectations of that society ? Now circumstances can influence the decision and those circumstances may arise from that society. That is where the situation gets complicated.  Do you carry your society with you and attempt to implement its' values upon those in a different society ? It is a forgone conclusion that those values will be rejected. The rejection will come not so much from the basis of those values but from the fact that they are perceived as different. That manifests itself in many ways, manner of speech, mode of dress and philosophical ideals. You might call it culture. Each society does posses a separate cultural aspect. It is in that, that we attempt to define ourselves. Do we adapt to the society in which we are living, or do we strive to hold onto the culture of our youth ? How successful we are in achieving either forms the perception we have of ourselves.
 So the question is this, what is it that others perceive about me ? Do they see the same thing as I do ? Of course not, how can they. They do not think my thoughts. Just what do they see ? The bigger question is still one I have no answer for. Am I trying to be what I want to be, or what I want others to see ? Am I unconsciously trying to fulfill an unspoken expectation from my youth ? An expectation from a society that no longer exists ? Society, every society, changes over time. It is those changes that we " seniors " often lament. Each of us live in a micro-society, made even smaller by youth. In youth we are subject to the society our parents wished us to know. For many of us we grow up, adapt to the society in which we find ourselves, and continue on our way. When we leave that society, " the society of youth," we are excited for the new and different, excited by the choices before us. There comes a time however when we begin to reflect. We reflect upon our choices and look to that society for answers. The problem is that society only exists in our own thoughts. Even those that shared that society with us have a different perception of just what that society was. Some will glorify it as a utopia and others will dismiss it entirely. I find myself somewhere in the middle. Where did I fit in that society ? Now, having reached the age of " maturity " would I fit into that same society ? Have I fulfilled the expectation ? Just whose expectations am I required to fill ? The selfish answer is my own and is not the correct one. I believe that I must satisfy the expectations of the one that created me. I'll be around until that is accomplished. In the examination of my motives that should be the primary consideration. Perception is what we believe to be true. Faith begins with perception. Perception leads to belief. You must believe in yourself is the current mantra. Could be what others perceive you to be is the true reflection. You can't argue with the truth. All you can do is change the perception.