Angst

  This morning I find myself preoccupied. I try to write about whatever is on my mind each morning and sometimes I write about things I stumble across in the afternoon. But right now, I'm preoccupied with private thoughts. Those are the things that I haven't really decided upon as of yet. You could think of it as sorting things out. There are a variety of emotions to deal with and deciding upon the reaction is the problem. I think that comes from my rather stoic upbringing. Drama wasn't much welcomed at my house. That isn't to say we didn't have our share of it, we certainly did, but when it passed we didn't talk much about it. It is what it was, was the attitude that was fostered more than anything else. We can do better next time. And better, better was a well reasoned response to whatever was happening at the time. Calm, cool and collected is always the best response. There wasn't a lot of, "putting it all out there" at my house. You just dealt with what was put before you and moved on. I suppose you can say it was putting an emotional cap on things.

  I believe I have moved past some of that over the years. Each generation does make changes. Those changes are usually in response to something that they want or desire that was lacking in the past. Adopting new attitudes about social issues is one of them. Today that is referred to as acceptance or inclusiveness. The way we respond to those changes is another one. This morning I find myself in a bit of a bog. My desire to react one way, balanced against the way others may perceive that reaction. That is what the internal struggle is all about, even as I try to convince myself that isn't so. The desire to give the other person what they want, balanced against what you are willing to give. Or more correctly what you are able to give. It's a private struggle because I am the one that will live with that decision. I'm finding this a difficult concept to present in a clear manner. Angst is the word that best describes that emotion. It is that anxiety you feel until a decision has been reached. Existential angst is the growing pain of life and living. Angst isn't a bad thing, it's more like the smell of coffee in the morning, it wakes you up a bit. All Hallmark movies have angst as their central theme. In the end, the correct decisions are made and everyone lives happily ever after. 

 Often it is the things you don't want to think about that causes the greatest struggle. We say, I don't want to deal with this, that is the reaction. Still we know we can't avoid life forever. Some will attempt to medicate that condition with alcohol, drugs, or other pursuits. There was a time in my life when I tried that, although I never got to the point where it was out of control. After the medication wore off the issue was still before me. I did learn you can't get past an obstacle by avoiding it. Some would say that was a result of maturing, I'd say it was the result of making a decision. I've also discovered that in order to make a decision you have to accept the truth. That's true even when the truth isn't yours! Recognizing the truth of others is the key to all of that. That's when you can decide. And this morning I haven't accepted the truth. It isn't someone else's truth, it is my own. Angst.