a surprise

  I find myself noticing the milestones on this journey we call life. Perhaps it is the result of all the bumps, pot holes, and detours I have experienced over the years. I'm beginning to pay attention. Isn't it unfortunate that the majority us are that way? None of us know how long the journey will be and in the beginning of the journey we look ahead. We try our best to reach certain milestones, certain destinations, to anticipate what comes next. I don't believe many of us succeed in that effort though, we are surprised. After a while, and that while differs for each of us, we quit paying attention to all of that and focus on the here and now. Those years can be difficult ones for some and extreme pleasures for others. But I do believe that the majority of us will one day begin to look back and think about the path we have taken, whether that path was by choice or circumstance. Today I find myself doing just that, having noticed another milestone. My grandson is a boy no more. That is the sign I read. It came as a bit of an surprise, as these milestones often do. You know that it is coming, you are aware of that, but still surprised when you reach them. Like seeing the person in the mirror, you know that person but they somehow look different to you, a surprise even. Just where did that familiar face go?

  It's a strange thing. When my sons grew up, got married and had children of their own I didn't read that sign. I suppose I was expecting all of that to happen as the natural course of things. I was a bit surprised when I became a grandfather. I mean after the initial excitement of that news, I was surprised that I was now that old! Hey, I am a grandfather! It does rather smack you in the face, at least it did for me. But at the same time I knew I was still just a young guy, sure I had grandkids, but they were babies after all. Just kids, why their parents were just kids weren't they? On some level I thought they were and that justified being a grandfather. But now grandfather has a grandson that is in his second year of college. He lives away from home, has an apartment of his own, is in a relationship, as the kids today say, and is no longer a boy. He is 20 years old! I've been a grandfather for twenty years! Now that will wake you up in the morning. Well us old people do get up early and go to bed early. 

  As I said, I've begun noticing the milestones along the way more every day. I do enjoy looking back and seeing what I want to see. That is the best part of memory, it is selective and can be edited to suit your moods. Coca cola in a six ounce bottle from the vending machine at the gas station is still the best. Our childhood friends remain the same throughout the years, especially when we haven't seen them in decades. The old hometown was the best place to grow up and money sure went a lot farther. I could lie on the floor, in front of the television for hours, and spring right up at a moments notice. Takes a bit longer these days. I remember getting my drivers license, going to boot camp, my first date, walking into the bar and getting served, casting my first vote, and a hundred other things. All those little mile markers along the way. Often I wish I had been paying more attention. Perhaps if I had, buckled down, as my teachers urged me do and paid attention, the journey would have been different. But then again I feel like I am where I am meant to be at this moment in time. And that, that is a good thing.

  Sometimes the signs tell us where we have been, rather than where we are going. I'm beginning to think signs are just there to tease us a bit. They offer hope, a promise of what is to come, but sometimes like the rides at the amusement park, they just don't live up to the hype or just plain old make you sick. The older I get the more I enjoy reading the signs after the fact and offering a critique. The events you don't like, you edit. You don't forget about it completely you just modify the ending. Now I don't see the set backs and disappointments as barriers I see them as changes in the plan. Sometimes I changed the plan and sometimes others changed it for me. From that I have learned, I'm not in complete control and sometimes it just isn't fair. Fair, I have discovered, is always measured from our own perspective and our own experience. Fair usually involves having something that belongs to someone else. You have to learn that, and accept that as fair in order to move forward. I read that sign somewhere along the way. 

  I guess what I'm thinking about, what that sign really said was, your grandchild is no longer a child. In some way it came as a surprise, a sort off revelation. I have sons that are grown men with families of their own and on some level I haven't accepted that quite yet. They will always be my kids, know what I mean? I never saw any sign telling me otherwise. Yes I was there when they graduated high school, I was there when they got married, I was there when they had children of their own, the kids having kids. Still I didn't see any sign. One son has become the mayor of the town and still he is just my kid. Now that has changed too when I read that sign saying my grandson is a boy no more. You know it isn't that I feel so old but that I have traveled that far. It just came as a surprise is all.