being home

 I grew up in a small town. The cliche of everyone knows everyone else's business did hold a bit of truth. There were few secrets. At least that was the impression. If there are secrets you wouldn't know it, so. But I was thinking about all of that yesterday as I chatted it up on the Internet. I did spend some time interacting with strangers. That is possible if you observe certain rules closely. Say very little, agree with everything, and don't mention the President. And so I was reminded of what it was like growing up in that small town. It all had to do with relationships.

 When I was growing up and interacting with people it was best to know the relationship between yourself and them. Yes, there was us and them, depending upon your social status in the community as a whole. It's that way everywhere, just more pronounced in smaller towns. That is the result of relationships. In those small towns it is often familial relationships that define that dynamic. What family do you belong too? You are judged according to that, there are expectations. I know your father, or I know your cousin, and you are all alike! We've all heard those lines before. When you are small you are defined by your ancestors, even when that ancestors is just a distant relative. Thing is, those ancestors run deep in those small towns and memories are long. 

 There is an upside to all of that however, and I believe it is often overlooked. Being aware of our relationship(s) within the community changes our interaction with that community. I'd say as a general rule it serves to temper our countenance just a bit. We are less likely to act the fool! Word will get back to those closest to you, and quickly. There is no place to hide. Depending upon whose toes you stepped on, your only refuge may be your side of town, with your clan. Step on the toes of a relative however and that refuge may not be so understanding! 

 My mother was one of ten children. As a result I have cousins galore. I wasn't always aware of who they were, even though they lived in the same town. That did lead to a few, shall we say, awkward moments. My fathers family was about as well, mostly unknown to me for reasons I won't go into. Suffice to say it was known about town who my father was and I was judged according to that reputation. That's not to imply that it is a bad thing, just that it is a thing. And so growing up we have to learn to navigate our way through this field of ancestors and whatever preconceived notions others have of us. It is wise to know the players in the game. There are allies and there are foes. Just like the " hillbillies " of folklore, feuds go from one generation to the next. Mix with the wrong bunch and there is likely to be trouble. 

 I left that small town over forty years ago. Two generations have arrived in my absence. Many cling to their ancestors as a validation of their birthright. That has always been so and will continue. It is a source of pride, and to a lesser degree, power. Birthright entitlement is a strong force, but no match for money, a reality in life that is often a source of anger. I cling to my ancestral heritage as well, I'm no different than most. But, that heritage holds no sway in Greensboro, Md. It means nothing. Strangely I can say I come from East Hampton, New York and that is often met with, " you come from the Hamptons? " " Your family must have a lot of money. " I can only smile at that, and mutter some nonsense. It's strange because even here, people hearing that immediately form an opinion on you. It's like saying I'm from New York, folks immediately think of the city. Those ideas are preconceived notions by others. You do have to overcome them. I've been in Greensboro going on twenty five years but people will say, he's from New York. It's a fact, no disputing it, and a judgement. I have no relatives here, other than descendants, and so no refuge for me. I'm not complaining about any of it, just explaining. It's one of those observations I am wont to write about. 

 After giving it some thought yesterday I arrived at this conclusion. If we all knew our relationship with one another the world would be a kinder and more understanding place. That is simply because we would change the way we interact with one another. We are less likely to be aggressive with a relative, even distant ones. They are a member of the clan. To risk alienating them is to risk alienating yourself from the group. It isn't always worth it. But get on this Internet, this social media and the gloves come off, it's every man for himself. Yes, like minds gather together in the attack and like minds gather in the defense. It's us and them taken to a new level. And another observation I have made is people tend to be more understanding of their relatives than they are of strangers, even when they suffer from the same affliction. That's because it is closer to home, as the saying goes. And a final thought is, wherever we go in the world, when we are threatened, we always go home. Home is our default setting. Home isn't a place, but an attitude. Being home is a comfort even when it is only in our mind.