Grief is defeated

 I made a few attempts at writing about something else. Those attempts were met with a wall. That wall is grief. I grieve not for what was lost, for memories remain, I grieve for the future. For events that may have happened, for plans unfulfilled. The loss is only perception. Were Joan here with me , as I write these words, we would not relive the past, we would make new memories,  and it is that gift, that is the loss. The gift that was Joan.
 Tomorrow has been removed and replaced with a finality. Certainty is replaced with apprehension. My faith whispers to me that I will enjoy that gift again. Reality presents itself as fact and all I see before me is death. I know through faith I will defeat that reality. It is what has been promised to me. The promise did come with an obligation, an obligation to obey. Am I up to the task ? I must remain strong in my faith through the loss and not let doubt divert my course. I could drown in my sorrow if I allow it to pool.  It is from that pool that fear and apprehension flows, often as tears.
 I believe with each passing day the whisper will become louder. In time it will drown out doubt. It has always worked that way and I have no reason to believe this time will be any different. Grief causes our soul to cry out. I find the cries are for myself, not for the one lost. Grief is a selfish emotion. Love defeats grief.
 For that reason my thoughts are flooded with memories of Joan and all that was. She added much to my world. She was a friend. She was family. I seek comfort in knowing that she has joined her husband and all the others deserving of paradise. Portions of her essence are with me still and always shall be. All that was,  remains unchanged. My sorrow is that I will receive no more. Guilt stems from that knowledge. I hadn't given any thought to her leaving and she left me unexpectedly. No chance to say goodbye. The truth is given the chance I wouldn't have said goodbye. What I would have said is, I'll see you later. That is what I believe.