expecting an amswer

 I spent a lot of years looking for Ben, and never found him. In what I can only describe as a moment of lucidity I realized a basic truth, Ben had passed away in 1990. Ben was my father. That is the Ben I searched for all those years. Ben was what I believed I was supposed to be. It was what I was told, not in words, but in expectations. Those expectations were presented to me when I was just a child. What I failed to accept was they were the expectations of others. There has been a misunderstanding. Dad wasn't what I thought him to be,  and neither am I. In what would be described as " cultural appropriation " in todays world, I tried to be Ben. It was further confused by being called Ben. You see my given name is Austin, but I was always called Ben. Little Ben, one day to be big Ben. That was the expectation.
 What I am is the son of Ben. I have decided that isn't a bad thing, a disappointment or a failure. Of course that is coming from the one who failed to meet those expectations. It is in that irony that I sit and write my thoughts. I'm thinking I could have paid a therapist a few thousand dollars to hear the same thing. That is the cynic in me speaking. I have discovered I am more of a  cynic than a stoic philosopher. I am trying to change that. Permanent change comes slowly to the wise man is my thinking. Truth may arrive as a flash, but acceptance of that truth, years.
 "Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself." (Tom Wilson)  Grantland Rice said, " the wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows public opinion."  Wisdom is something a person must make a conscious effort to obtain. Wisdom doesn't just show up.
 We often mistake wisdom for intelligence or knowledge. Wisdom is neither of those things. Wisdom is gained by introspection. There is no antonym for introspection. The reason for that may be man doesn't want to label that. There is the rarely used term " extrospection " meaning to get your beliefs for outside sources, such as books or public opinion. I would say our society has become reliant on that " extrospection " in recent times. We have set introspection to the side, relying instead on scholars and our intellect. Introspection is being confused with religious belief as well. One may gain  spirituality through introspection, but to be introspective is not being religious. It could be that stems from the need for  reward. When we are tested we want to see the results. Wisdom has no such requirement. Wisdom is acceptance of truth.
 Now having accepted the truth I am not Ben, nor will I ever be, what is the expectation ? There are still the expectations of society to deal with. I am restrained by social conventions and practices. Additionally I am constrained by my religious beliefs. Society, as a whole measures success by money or popularity. My religion teaches I should emulate Christ. Is it reasonable to expect I should ever fulfill either of those conditions ? The first is expected by society , that later by my God. I think all I can do is search for wisdom. The funny thing about wisdom is, the wise man doesn't know he has it. The wise man continually questions. What expectations must I meet ? What standard shall I apply ? My life hasn't been what was expected. Truth is, my life will be whatever I make it. I have to evaluate my progress. First however I must decide upon the outcome I wish to achieve. What are my expectations ? Not an easy answer to that one.