Just Me

Just Me
Look,I'm just sayin'

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

worthy of reward

 Why is it so difficult to do something solely for yourself ? What I mean is to do something without expecting some form of reward. And not so much reward but that it is alright. Why should we need an affirmation of our actions ? Most things I have done, I have done for someone else, even when I did it for me. Does that make any sense to you ? I start things but require someone's' approval before I'll complete it. I do look for that approval as the motivation to complete whatever it is. I just can't seem to be motivated to do anything solely for my own pleasure. There is just some desire to be right all the time. And if I get the impression it isn't " right " I'll quit. It is very frustrating at times.
 I retired earlier in the year and haven't done much since. I don't really miss working, I can do without that, but I'm not feeling very productive. From what I've been told I should be just doing what I want to do, isn't that being retired ? I have no interest in joining any civic groups. I never was much of a joiner. I believe that is just a product of my childhood. I wasn't a Boy scout, didn't play any organized sports or belong to any clubs. It just wasn't something we did. We lived below the bridge and that stuff was for the upstreeters. I can't remember any reason being given for that but it was the reality of it. Of course now I know the real reason and it was financial. My folks couldn't afford to buy uniforms, pay dues or pay for us to go on field trips and the like. It was best not to join and then you won't be disappointed. Doing that stuff was really a selfish thing to do, thinking only of yourself. That was the subconscious message. I think it has stuck with me.
 On the other hand I wonder if I only get satisfaction from doing stuff and then receiving a reward. But the reward has to come from somewhere other than myself. So is it the reward I seek ? If that is true I certainly have some thinking to do. It is wrong to expect anything, that is what I was told. Well, to expect anything other than what you have earned that is. The question becomes do I feel my actions are worthy of reward. It does seem a waste of time and effort to produce anything that isn't of value to another person. What I mean is, to do something solely for your pleasure does seem like a waste. When no one else values it, I find no satisfaction in the doing.
 I'm thinking that I should just do what I want. I need to find a way to give myself permission. Oh I don't mean any great life changing event, nothing like that. I'm thinking about smaller things. Perhaps things that will get me ridiculed or thought of as foolish. What other folks call art or a craft. Perhaps writing that book I'm always thinking about. I find it hard to get past the thought that writing a book is a bit pretentious. I certainly don't feel qualified to do such. But even that isn't the truth. The truth is what if it stinks ! That is the concern I feel. Will the time and effort have been wasted ? Yes, I think it would be and I can't seem to reconcile that with myself. You write a book because you feel you have something to say. What if no one wants to listen ? Or worse yet, they listen and then dismiss you. Ego is a fragile thing. I'm not convinced that the effort will have been worth the reward that is the bottom line. But the thought remains. Perhaps I am living my life with too much caution. Perhaps I need to take that chance. I mean it isn't like I have never failed but I have been cautious. I have sought justification for my failures.
 For someone that regularly talks about accountability it is a bit hypocritical of me. I guess it is never too late to take a chance. Should I fail who would care ? I would and that is a problem. My problem. Could be the problem lies in a lack of passion. Aren't folks " passionate " about doing whatever ? How does one get passion ? I think it is granted by oneself. You do have to " fall " for it. Doesn't matter if it is another person, an occupation or an amusement. You do have to " fall " for it. But the implication is you are being deceived. How do you deceive yourself ? It is only when the " passion " is returned that it isn't a deceit. So I must decide if I am worthy of reward. When that question is settled I will take action. Not as easy as one would think. Or does Nike have it right, " just do it. "