Just Me

Just Me
Look,I'm just sayin'

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

shadows

 This morning I find myself dodging shadows. Things from the past that come back to haunt me. They suddenly appear and there is nothing I can do about it. Even shining a bright light upon it does no good, those shadows don't disappear. No, those shadows are stronger than the light and burn brightly for a time. After a while the brightness recedes,  blending back into the everyday. Then a flare-up, a glimpse and I'm ducking once again. I am left in contemplation of the past. Choices made and the consequences that follow me. There is no escape.
 It sounds rather glum and depressing and in a way it is. But this is something I believe all of us experience from time to time. Whether from guilt or righteous indignation, we have shadows of the past. Isn't that what Scrooge experienced ? The symbolism is quite evident. The shadows were ghosts. For Scrooge the future was revealed to him and his choice became obvious. For the rest of us, only time will reveal our fate. It is revealed, piecemeal,  in those moments when we are reminded. Much like Scrooge we are forced to revisit that time and place.
 It can be a rather uncomfortable feeling, a restless spirit if you will. Even when you are convinced you made the correct decision, you second guess that answer. The facts support your choice and popular opinion too, but it isn't enough. There is something hiding in those shadows, something questioning. Is it conscience ? I would have to say it is. Your conscience determines what is right and wrong and is not dependent upon fact for that determination. That action is justification. When the two are not in agreement, shadows are formed. Conscience is a feeling, not a fact. Some learn to ignore their conscience altogether and dismiss it. Others find in maddening. But the majority of us learn to live with that conscience, finding consolation in various ways. For me, in my present situation, I find that consolation in knowing all has turned out well. The shadow that haunts is what could have been.
 What we must remember is that what could have been is not a guarantee of better. Indeed, what could have been could just as well have been a disaster. I take solace in believing I helped avert that disaster by my choices. I responded to my conscience when making those decisions of the past, and my conscience remains clear. They were the right choices. I did the best I was capable of, at that time. It is not fair to compare present day experience with yesterday. A clich√©, but a fact, it was a different place and time. I was different then. The examination of those shadows is the proof for growth. Is that why I, we, look so closely ?
 I think another page was turned yesterday. Those shadows appeared and once again I dodged them. I do think I allowed them to linger a bit longer this time, exposed them a bit more. I say dodged because I have yet to embrace them. I wonder if I ever will ? Oh I know that I will always harbor some doubt, one can never be certain. We don't get do-overs in life. The past is what was and so it shall remain. Just as in, A Christmas Carol, all we can change is the future. We can say, from now on. That is the theme of Christmas isn't it ? A new beginning. Old friends will come to visit every now and again. Make them welcome. Even old friends can become new again.