Just Me

Just Me
Look,I'm just sayin'

Friday, July 1, 2016

restitution of trust

 A friend and fellow blogger wrote of being disappointed by a person or peoples. I understood the sentiment exactly. I could feel that pain immediately. Disappointment can be met with anger but that is a futile gesture. There is little to be done to rectify disappointment, the breaking of a trust. That is the action that hurts us, that breaking of trust. There are times when the severity of that break is beyond repair. I hope that is not the case for my friend in this instance. Perhaps there was misunderstanding. I often find myself looking for excuses when it happens to me. Yes, I may feel anger at first, but that feeling of disappointment will rule the day in the end. The actions of another making me feel somehow guilty, or at least complicit, in this betrayal. And it is a betrayal. A betrayal of trust. The fault lies with my having placed my trust in the other person or group. The anger that follows I should be directing at myself, and that is why it is diverted to disappointment.                        
 Disappointment is a passive response to anger. Its' effectiveness in regards to the effect it has on others is difficult to determine. Depending upon the personality of the individual you are dealing with it can make an impact, or just cause laughter. Personally I just felt worse if I got the " I'm disappointed in you " speech rather than the yelling at me routine. Yelling and asking rhetorical questions did not have a lasting effect. If I was told I am disappointed in you, calmly with an accompanied sadness,  that " cut to the quick " to use an old idiom. That was something I would think about and consider for hours and even days at times. That is simply because it is so much more sincere to me. Anger is a flash in the pan. Yes, it can hurt and cause damage but the effects aren't so lasting. But to be disappointed, to have broken a trust, that takes time to mend. Trust is one the hardest things to build. It can only be rebuilt beginning at the foundation. Anger is like a strong wind, it may blow the roof off, but most times you can just shingle. At least that is the way I see it.
 I believe you can tell a lot about a person by their response to being wronged. Is that wrong met with prolonged anger ? Certainly I expect anger to be the first responder. Emotions are complicated affairs. The first responder deals with the immediate crisis. Anger has a strange way of dissipating pain. It is what follows, the care of the injury, that causes healing. Further anger will mask the symptoms perhaps, but you are not left feeling better. Then I think for most of us we divert that anger to disappointment. We internalize it as a method to deal with it. Those causing that hurt will be ineffective in restoring your health at this point. It is going to take time. The truth of the matter is, you must allow the injury to heal. The first step is to blame ourselves, and that is disheartening. We start to ask ourselves those rhetorical questions that we despise. Following that we either decide to dispose or rebuild. The only question that needs to be answered is if the effort to rebuild is worth the risk and subsequent reward.
 I do think all of this is predicated upon our own expectations. What is it we expect from others. I think as a minimum we want them to be as moral and virtuous as we perceive ourselves to be. Is this failure, on their part , the result of an unreasonable expectation on our part ? Isn't that a question we ask ourselves ? It does cause one to examine their own actions, as well it should. If you want to talk the talk and all that. Are we without fault in this situation ? That is to say, are we really as moral and virtuous as we think we are ? My friend, in her blog, used an old idiom, feet of clay. It is a disappointment when you discover someone has " feet of clay " but I believe we all do, to a point. It is living with an awareness of that human frailty that can aid us in times like this. Forgiveness is the end result. Sadly however forgiveness does not always involve the restitution of trust. We are left disappointed.