circumspect

 I spent most of yesterday not being interested. I wasn't interested in Facebook, interested in reading a book or just plain interested. I was sucked into a vortex of self absorption. It is something that happens to me at times. Back in old days I may have turned to a beer or something stronger to spark my interest. That usually resulted in becoming animated but not very productive. I used to think it was a good time but I have traveled past that stop on the highway. Now I find I'm losing interest in the journey. I am getting bored. It all so predictable. Little surprises me. I find more sorrow than delight and grow weary. It isn't regret that fuels this but it is the apathy of humanity in general. More seemed concerned with themselves than anything or anyone else. Then I realize I am being sucked into that as well. I become inactive to avoid the manic. It is a defense. But the defense is growing weak. In the end I just went to bed and resigned myself to sleep. I am fortunate that I have no trouble finding that state, I can just shut down on demand.
 I got up this morning, later than usual, and feeling a little better. At least I am moving around a bit and trying to regain some interest. The weather is supposed to be unbearably hot and humid. The news is talking about that horrible attack in France. A terrorist just running people down with a truck. What makes people do such things ? Sad though that I am not surprised by such, seems like you hear similar every day. Today I read is supposed to be a " day of rage. " The organizers say it will be peaceful but with a name like that, I am skeptical to say the least. I pray the day comes and goes without a major incident. Makes you want to stay indoors and uninvolved. At the same time you know that will accomplish nothing. It is this combination that makes my interest wane. It would be easier to just remain silent. But silence will swallow me, and I can't allow it.
 And so I will find something to occupy my thoughts. There are always chores to be done and projects to finish. It is just hard to get started at times. I'm no different than most, I am seeking a reward for my efforts. Just what that reward would be, I don't know. Goals must be realistic or you wind up disappointed. Do I search for too much ? By no stretch of the imagination am I what you would label a go-getter. I have always striven to do my part, but have no aspirations for greatness.  Keeping the bar low makes it easier. But that is wrong, isn't that what we are told ? We should all aspire to more ? More what ? Money, fame or popularity ? Will those items grant contentment and happiness ? For some it seems the answer is yes. At least that is the outward appearance. I admit, I wouldn't mind giving it a try. Thing is, I have never felt it worth the effort.
 Chasing the answers is a frustration. I think that is what happens to me every now and again. I write, I talk, I explain my point of view and still I am not satisfied with the answers. It is a frustration. It is frustrating when I can't make my thoughts understood by others. It is difficult to understand why such intelligent people sometimes refuse to understand. Surely they are aware, but ignore the obvious. I'm not talking about abstract ideas or concepts, I'm talking about common sense. There is always the possibility that it is me. That too, is a frustration. Maybe I have been given the wrong answers all along, or perhaps I'm just taking a different test.  Self examination is the most difficult of all. I find myself being circumspect. You can either search for the answers, or disregard the test. There are times when I lose interest. In the end I think it matters. So, that is why I continue to ask the questions, and provide whatever answers I can. Life is a team effort, we all need each other. Shame we can't learn to just work together. It is a frustration.