we'll never know

 Why do we seek what we will never know? It's a question I find myself asking more often with each passing year. What I mean is we all want to be remembered. When we think about dying, we think about being remembered. Thing is, we won't know whether we are or not. That's my thinking anyway. I don't believe I will be in any celestial heaven looking down upon the earth and its' inhabitants. I just don't think it works like that. So, any recognition we receive has to be in the here and now. Problem there being we are told to not seek that recognition lest we become vain. In fact, in the Christian tradition vanity is a sin and the Bible tells us that. It is a sub-category of pride, one of the seven deadly sins! Pride goeth before the fall! I've heard that all my life. 

 I tell myself, and others, I write all these blogs to leave a record of my thoughts, feelings, and observations. That's true, I want to be the one to tell the story. If I don't write that story myself someone else will write it for me. I'm leaving a reference! You could say that it is vanity that compels me to do that, and I can offer no argument to the contrary. That's why I ask the question, why do we seek what we can't know? The ultimate arrogance is suggesting that we know what others do not. We are all guilty of that. Don't you love it when you have news, information, or just plain gossip to share? You just can't wait to tell someone. We often dress that up as being helpful or just offering some advice or opinion. The truth is we want to show that we know something others do not. Some secret of the universe.

 There is no denying the power of the written word. If it is in writing, it must be true. That's the thought. Written in stone is the expression, it can't be erased or changed. The obvious example of that is our headstone. A name, two dates, and a lifetime in between the two. I am filling in the blank because I want you to know. My story is in the first person, when others speak of me it is always in the third person. I am the only one that knows my thoughts, true for me and for you. 

 We say we are going to share. I have said that many times myself. I'm sharing my stories, my thoughts and feelings. What you need to understand about that is that sharing isn't giving it all away, it is sharing a portion of whatever it is. I certainly haven't shared my complete story. I, like everyone else, have little secrets. The majority of those "secrets" aren't really secrets at all, there are those that know the truth, the facts and the reality. The belief on my part, and yours, is that they will forget. They are those things we choose not to share, at least, not with everyone. 

  I think about writing down those secrets to complete the story but wouldn't want that read until after my passing. The reason is obvious enough, I don't want to share that stuff just now. What's the reason for that? Vanity is the answer. Yes, vanity. It could be damaging to my image, the image I hold in my own mind. My perception of self is certainly different than the perception others hold of me. If you knew the whole story would that change your perception of me? I have to think it certainly would. Isn't that the very reason we offer up those stories and experiences in the first place. The hope being it alters your view of things. We call that invoking empathy, something we all want and cherish. In the end, we all want to be the hero in the story. Best way to ensure that is to write the story. The frustration is simply; we will never know. We can't know that, all we can do is, believe.