just waiting

 There are days when I feel like I'm just waiting. I have no idea what I'm waiting for, just waiting. I don't feel restless, that's not it, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything, I'm just waiting for something to happen. It always does if you are patient. I've discovered things usually aren't good if you rush. I also think that is a lesson that isn't being taught these days. I was taught, patience is a virtue. It isn't Biblical advice; you won't find that in the Bible. No, that advice goes much further back in time. I suspect that lesson was learned early on while trying to capture some food. Rushing after an animal would either leave you hungry or dead! Yes, patience is a virtue. And ironically one that takes time to understand and appreciate. 

  We have become a society always in a rush. We want everything, now! In fact, the most common phrase being used these days is, I deserve this. That applies to anything that you want. It makes no difference if you actually earned whatever it is, you deserve it. Interesting to note is you never deserve to be punished for wrongdoing; you don't deserve that. Someone else is to blame for that even when you are the one performing the action. Inanimate objects are often the cause as well, especially guns that are violent. But if there is something to be had for free, you deserve that. You shouldn't have to wait for anything if you want it today. Isn't that why we started selling things on time? Get the goods now, pay for it later. Of course, now we shouldn't have to pay for it if we determine the cost was too high.      We deserve forgiveness. The thing there is, you have to earn forgiveness! You do not get to decide when that forgiveness is extended, if ever it is. You can't demand forgiveness. Contrition is the vehicle to forgiveness. It takes time to be forgiven. This notion that we can legislate forgiveness, legislate charity itself, is all wrong. You can do neither. You have to earn forgiveness, and charity is a gift from another, not an obligation.

  I do find myself waiting. I find myself waiting for yesterday to return. I know in my mind it will never happen; it will never return but I'm still waiting for it anyway. Waiting for a return. A return to everything that was good about the past. Yes, I'm well aware there was much injustice, suffering and pain in the past, can't change that, but I'm not talking about bringing any of that back. I'm talking about when we were all patient enough to listen to one another, have a decent debate and discussion. Today we just race to file "suit" to gain what we feel we deserve. I'll just sue for whatever it is I want! You, or some other entities are to blame for whatever misfortune has befallen me, that has denied me what I want. I deserve to have whatever I want! I deserve to be able to act in any way I desire. And I should be able to do that now. 

  Waiting for what once was. Sounds rather foolish, doesn't it? That's because it is. That doesn't change anything though, I still feel that way. I had no idea that aging would be like this, waiting for something. When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to grow up. I couldn't wait for a lot of things! I dismissed the advice to wait, be patient, good things will come in time. Well things did come in time, not always good though. That was usually my fault, I rushed in. Fools rush in where wise men fear to tread! Another lesson that takes time to understand completely. Those times may make for some great stories later on in life but were indeed, foolish. Perhaps what I'm really waiting for is what could have been. It's a fine line between rejoicing and regret. Think I'll wait a while before deciding on that.