After writing yesterdays blog I continued thinking about what I was trying to say, or rather explain. I talked a bit about my parents, and probably for most of you reading this, your parents generation. Often called the greatest generation I would agree with that description as I'm sure the majority of you would as well. They are, after all, our parents. But parents are people too as I pointed out to someone kind enough to leave a comment. Thank you Barbara, and all the others. I was thinking about that, there being people like you and I, and what they had experienced in their lives. They were a product of their times, as we all are, to a certain degree. Social attitudes are in a continuous state of flux dependent upon politics and perceived economic situations. What the " accepted " norms are and what are being proposed as normal, are what are in flux.
I touched upon that briefly in that post yesterday. Our secrets are often the very things that are in flux. That is to say what was expected behavior yesterday, is now viewed in a totally differed light. A new normal having been established. It can be a difficulty for those of us used to the old normal. This is especially so when that normal strikes at the core of our ethical system. I've seen this happen in my 67 years, most of the time unnoticed. That isn't to say I was totally unaware, just that I was willing to overlook or accept that. We tend to think of those actions as being " hip " to use an outdated colloquialism. It also includes things like the style of clothing we wear, the things we eat and drink. Lots of those type of things. No big deal, for the most part that is.
One that particularly troubles me is the acceptance of failure these days. I was raised with the goal being not to make mistakes. Yes I knew that people made mistakes, I knew that no one is perfect, but I was also taught you didn't talk about those failures. If you did you admitted how wrong you were. You didn't correct the mistake, whatever it happened to be, and then brag about that as an accomplishment. No, the objective was not to overcome your shortcomings but to not have shortcomings. Do you know what I mean? To me it is propagating a self fulfilling prophecy. I know I'm gonna fail, but when I do I can correct that and claim that as an accomplishment! Therefore there is no reason not to do whatever I please as long as I don't hurt others in the process. I can get myself addicted to drugs, go to rehab, then preach to others that they shouldn't do that. The fact that I became addicted to the drugs isn't the point anymore, only that I quit, as least for now, because if I relapse that isn't a failure, not my fault, and I get a do-over. Then having done that, I can talk about that.
What I'm trying to say is there is a fundamental difference in the way these things are viewed nowadays. I was taught to feel remorse for the error, correct the error, and try not to draw attention to the fact that I messed up. I'm seeing an opposite view today and I find it unsettling. I see it more as an acceptance of unchecked emotions than anything else. You have to accept me as I am, without question or consequence. A failure to do so indicates a lack of empathy. That's what I'm hearing. It's an extreme.
I was taught to control my emotions, as best as I could. Yes I had to admit to my mistakes, apologize to anyone that was effected by that mistake, and do my best to correct it. I was not rewarded for correcting a mistake! The best I could hope for was forgiveness; not accolades. Accolades were reserved for doing the right thing, not recovering from the wrong.
What has this to do with secrets? Well, I think our biggest secrets are whatever we consider our biggest mistakes. That's the way I see it. By sharing those secrets, even with the ones closest to us, we are putting arrows in their quivers. Those mistakes can then come back at us. Telling your child not to smoke by explaining how you triumphantly conquered your addiction doesn't work very well. If you did it why shouldn't I? Isn't that what younger people will ask? Isn't that what older people will ask as well? And it may be followed with the ever popular, it is no worse than argument. You shouldn't smoke marijuana! Why not, it's no worse than drinking. Yes, those arrows are hard to defend against aren't they? I don't know, I was just taught that it was better to not make the mistake in the first place. That's all I'm saying.
William Shakespeare - To be, or not to be (from Hamlet 3/1) To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them?
Well Willy I'd say this. It is best to not give your " sea of troubles " the arrows to use against you in the first place.
I touched upon that briefly in that post yesterday. Our secrets are often the very things that are in flux. That is to say what was expected behavior yesterday, is now viewed in a totally differed light. A new normal having been established. It can be a difficulty for those of us used to the old normal. This is especially so when that normal strikes at the core of our ethical system. I've seen this happen in my 67 years, most of the time unnoticed. That isn't to say I was totally unaware, just that I was willing to overlook or accept that. We tend to think of those actions as being " hip " to use an outdated colloquialism. It also includes things like the style of clothing we wear, the things we eat and drink. Lots of those type of things. No big deal, for the most part that is.
One that particularly troubles me is the acceptance of failure these days. I was raised with the goal being not to make mistakes. Yes I knew that people made mistakes, I knew that no one is perfect, but I was also taught you didn't talk about those failures. If you did you admitted how wrong you were. You didn't correct the mistake, whatever it happened to be, and then brag about that as an accomplishment. No, the objective was not to overcome your shortcomings but to not have shortcomings. Do you know what I mean? To me it is propagating a self fulfilling prophecy. I know I'm gonna fail, but when I do I can correct that and claim that as an accomplishment! Therefore there is no reason not to do whatever I please as long as I don't hurt others in the process. I can get myself addicted to drugs, go to rehab, then preach to others that they shouldn't do that. The fact that I became addicted to the drugs isn't the point anymore, only that I quit, as least for now, because if I relapse that isn't a failure, not my fault, and I get a do-over. Then having done that, I can talk about that.
What I'm trying to say is there is a fundamental difference in the way these things are viewed nowadays. I was taught to feel remorse for the error, correct the error, and try not to draw attention to the fact that I messed up. I'm seeing an opposite view today and I find it unsettling. I see it more as an acceptance of unchecked emotions than anything else. You have to accept me as I am, without question or consequence. A failure to do so indicates a lack of empathy. That's what I'm hearing. It's an extreme.
I was taught to control my emotions, as best as I could. Yes I had to admit to my mistakes, apologize to anyone that was effected by that mistake, and do my best to correct it. I was not rewarded for correcting a mistake! The best I could hope for was forgiveness; not accolades. Accolades were reserved for doing the right thing, not recovering from the wrong.
What has this to do with secrets? Well, I think our biggest secrets are whatever we consider our biggest mistakes. That's the way I see it. By sharing those secrets, even with the ones closest to us, we are putting arrows in their quivers. Those mistakes can then come back at us. Telling your child not to smoke by explaining how you triumphantly conquered your addiction doesn't work very well. If you did it why shouldn't I? Isn't that what younger people will ask? Isn't that what older people will ask as well? And it may be followed with the ever popular, it is no worse than argument. You shouldn't smoke marijuana! Why not, it's no worse than drinking. Yes, those arrows are hard to defend against aren't they? I don't know, I was just taught that it was better to not make the mistake in the first place. That's all I'm saying.
William Shakespeare - To be, or not to be (from Hamlet 3/1) To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them?
Well Willy I'd say this. It is best to not give your " sea of troubles " the arrows to use against you in the first place.
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