I am the youngest of four. I celebrated my 64th birthday this past July. I talk with mom at least once a week. Mom is 88. My question is then, why was I surprised to realize my brother is 68 ! Just how did that happen ? Well, I think I know the answer to that. You see, I haven't been around my brother all that much over the last forty years. Isn't that a strange thing ? It is just that he was busying living his life and I have been busy with mine. We don't live in the same town and so just lost touch. That's because in my world guys don't touch all that much, that's a girl thing. I live in the world of the sixties, the 1960's that is. It is from that era I received the majority of my customs, attitudes and thoughts. Not known for being a progressive sort of man, I stick with the tired and true for the most part. Guys don't write each other letters, or call much, unless we have something important to say. Guess I haven't had much I felt the need to report on all these years. Something how forty years can pass with barely a notice.
This realization came about in a casual conversation. My wife asked, how old is your brother ? After counting it up, I answered 68 and that is when it hit me. Sixty eight ? Yup, no denying the math, he was born in 1949. My eldest brother, born in 1947, passed almost three years ago. I did spend some time with him before he passed, wishing now it had been more. He only lived twenty miles away from me the last twenty years or so, but we rarely connected. It's true that we only shared fragments in time when we did get together. Recently I have spoken with my brother, the living one, and that is the way it is with him also. We share fragments of our lives. The reason is because we do not know each other anymore, not really, we just share common memories. And yes, even those memories aren't exactly the same. These days we are more like old friends reconnecting after years apart. Our lives are a bit of mystery to each of us. It is quite a bit different if you were there, know what I mean ?
Some of this thinking came later in the day as I was watching a Waltons special. It was about Thanksgiving and the Waltons had all grown older. The year was 1963. John Boy was an author and journalist, Jim Bob was flying airplanes, Ben was arguing with his Dad at the mill, and Grandma was still there. I know it is only a television story but all those brothers and sisters were still sharing their lives with one another. That made me realize what had happened in mine. For a long time my life wasn't shared with my brothers or my sister. We had " grown up " but grown apart. Instead of remaining brothers and sister we had become " adults " with adult secrets. Yeah, it sounds juicy doesn't it, adult secrets. The fact is those secrets are really just our mistakes and misfortunes. We try to keep those things secret. When you have brothers and a sister there isn't much kept secret that is certain. Once we become adults, move away, keeping secrets becomes a lot easier. But there is a price to pay for that secrecy, just like everything else. You get old and you begin to miss what you had all those years ago. Thing is, your siblings are the only ones. You can't replace your siblings. You can form new bonds, new friendships, and even new relatives, but not new siblings.
I guess what I'm trying to say is this. When we grow up, leave the nest and strike out on our own, we can lose contact. Depending upon the situation that contact can become a complete separation. That is what has happened with me. Now I'm older, he's older, heck we are all older, and all we have are fragments. Is it possible to put those fragments back together again ? The truth is, we can not. I think the best we can hope for is sharing our stories. Ideally we could do that without judgment. But we are talking about siblings here : judgement ? Oh, you are going to be judged. Are you willing to be judged ? I think I am. At this point in my life, with my remaining siblings I am ready. The question is, are they ?
This realization came about in a casual conversation. My wife asked, how old is your brother ? After counting it up, I answered 68 and that is when it hit me. Sixty eight ? Yup, no denying the math, he was born in 1949. My eldest brother, born in 1947, passed almost three years ago. I did spend some time with him before he passed, wishing now it had been more. He only lived twenty miles away from me the last twenty years or so, but we rarely connected. It's true that we only shared fragments in time when we did get together. Recently I have spoken with my brother, the living one, and that is the way it is with him also. We share fragments of our lives. The reason is because we do not know each other anymore, not really, we just share common memories. And yes, even those memories aren't exactly the same. These days we are more like old friends reconnecting after years apart. Our lives are a bit of mystery to each of us. It is quite a bit different if you were there, know what I mean ?
Some of this thinking came later in the day as I was watching a Waltons special. It was about Thanksgiving and the Waltons had all grown older. The year was 1963. John Boy was an author and journalist, Jim Bob was flying airplanes, Ben was arguing with his Dad at the mill, and Grandma was still there. I know it is only a television story but all those brothers and sisters were still sharing their lives with one another. That made me realize what had happened in mine. For a long time my life wasn't shared with my brothers or my sister. We had " grown up " but grown apart. Instead of remaining brothers and sister we had become " adults " with adult secrets. Yeah, it sounds juicy doesn't it, adult secrets. The fact is those secrets are really just our mistakes and misfortunes. We try to keep those things secret. When you have brothers and a sister there isn't much kept secret that is certain. Once we become adults, move away, keeping secrets becomes a lot easier. But there is a price to pay for that secrecy, just like everything else. You get old and you begin to miss what you had all those years ago. Thing is, your siblings are the only ones. You can't replace your siblings. You can form new bonds, new friendships, and even new relatives, but not new siblings.
I guess what I'm trying to say is this. When we grow up, leave the nest and strike out on our own, we can lose contact. Depending upon the situation that contact can become a complete separation. That is what has happened with me. Now I'm older, he's older, heck we are all older, and all we have are fragments. Is it possible to put those fragments back together again ? The truth is, we can not. I think the best we can hope for is sharing our stories. Ideally we could do that without judgment. But we are talking about siblings here : judgement ? Oh, you are going to be judged. Are you willing to be judged ? I think I am. At this point in my life, with my remaining siblings I am ready. The question is, are they ?
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