He wore blue jeans and a flannel shirt jacket as I watched him walk slowly across the cemetery. I was just driving by, coming home from the hardware store. Just before I passed him he had stopped and with his neck crooked forward I saw him staring at the stone. At that moment a wave of emotion swept over me. It was a mixture of sorrow and peace. Just as quickly, the feeling was gone and I was left wondering, why ? Why that response, at that time ? I don't know that man, don't know who he was visiting, and ride by that cemetery almost daily. He certainly wasn't the first person I've seen do that. Was it because of his age ? He looked to be just a bit older than myself. Was it because of his dress ? That outfit could have been borrowed from my closet. Was it the grey hair, or the manner in which he stood so still, so contemplative ? Mostly I wonder, why did I notice all of that and it remain in my thoughts. That drive by happened two days ago. It doesn't strike me as premonition, it doesn't have that quality to it. It strikes me more as resignation. I thought that is what I was witness too, resignation.
Resignation is the acceptance of something undesirable but inevitable. I'd say death fit into that category. As I thought more about that I arrived at a conclusion. I had chosen the wrong word. Now I feel forbearance is the correct term. Yes, it would be listed as a synonym for resignation in the thesaurus, but there is a subtle difference in those actions. To resign in my eyes is to surrender or give up. That isn't what that gentleman was doing though, I didn't see a defeated person. What I did see was forbearance. Forbearance being an action or response to an unwanted circumstance. You do have to accept whatever happened, but you don't have to resign. Remaining stoic in the face of such eventualities as death requires inner strength. Our strength can only be tested by experience in such matters. For those of us fortunate enough, that experience comes with age. That is the irony of time, as it grows shorter we wish to live in what has passed.
This morning as I sit and write these thoughts I think I may understand why. I think that seeing that gentleman and the response it evoked was a lesson. I was upset about the verdict Bergdahl received. It was an unwanted thing ! I felt somehow cheated by that. I was angered. I even wrote yesterdays posting about all of that. But then the lesson became clearer to me, I hadn't resigned those feelings quite yet ! I do think that resignation occurs either out of anger or despair. I was angry. I hadn't gotten my way. That was it, in a nutshell. What I need to display now is forbearance. I need to set the anger, the disappointment aside and channel those emotions elsewhere. Finding the channel is the challenge, not accepting the loss. Having grown up by the water I know that you should launch your boat on an outgoing tide. Bucking the tide does nothing more than slow progress.
I wonder now if I have witnessed a death. When that verdict was handed down a part of America died with it. At the very least a part of America I grew up with has. I feel that loss as deeply as losing a loved one. I also feel there is little I can do about that. Only the young feel they can change the world. Truth is they will change the world. It is the changes that the " elderly " rail against. Yes, that is the truth of it. I must face that reality with forbearance. There are many in this country that need to learn that lesson ! I can only pray that they do before it is too late, before it is all gone. When one is standing before the grave, there is little to be done, but mourn.
Resignation is the acceptance of something undesirable but inevitable. I'd say death fit into that category. As I thought more about that I arrived at a conclusion. I had chosen the wrong word. Now I feel forbearance is the correct term. Yes, it would be listed as a synonym for resignation in the thesaurus, but there is a subtle difference in those actions. To resign in my eyes is to surrender or give up. That isn't what that gentleman was doing though, I didn't see a defeated person. What I did see was forbearance. Forbearance being an action or response to an unwanted circumstance. You do have to accept whatever happened, but you don't have to resign. Remaining stoic in the face of such eventualities as death requires inner strength. Our strength can only be tested by experience in such matters. For those of us fortunate enough, that experience comes with age. That is the irony of time, as it grows shorter we wish to live in what has passed.
This morning as I sit and write these thoughts I think I may understand why. I think that seeing that gentleman and the response it evoked was a lesson. I was upset about the verdict Bergdahl received. It was an unwanted thing ! I felt somehow cheated by that. I was angered. I even wrote yesterdays posting about all of that. But then the lesson became clearer to me, I hadn't resigned those feelings quite yet ! I do think that resignation occurs either out of anger or despair. I was angry. I hadn't gotten my way. That was it, in a nutshell. What I need to display now is forbearance. I need to set the anger, the disappointment aside and channel those emotions elsewhere. Finding the channel is the challenge, not accepting the loss. Having grown up by the water I know that you should launch your boat on an outgoing tide. Bucking the tide does nothing more than slow progress.
I wonder now if I have witnessed a death. When that verdict was handed down a part of America died with it. At the very least a part of America I grew up with has. I feel that loss as deeply as losing a loved one. I also feel there is little I can do about that. Only the young feel they can change the world. Truth is they will change the world. It is the changes that the " elderly " rail against. Yes, that is the truth of it. I must face that reality with forbearance. There are many in this country that need to learn that lesson ! I can only pray that they do before it is too late, before it is all gone. When one is standing before the grave, there is little to be done, but mourn.
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