Just Me

Just Me
Look,I'm just sayin'

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Mystery man

 It was asked, who is Ben R. A very good question and one I'm afraid I have no answer for. My immediate thought was, am I who I want to be, or am I who I appear to be ? I'm quite certain they are  entirely different realities. Yes, there is more than one reality. Mine and yours.  As I pondered the question I thought, I'm just a traveler on the highway. I'm not certain where the highway will take me but look forward to the destination. I'm certainly not in a hurry to get there though, wherever it is, it will still be there when I arrive. That is assured by the fact, I'll be there. Death awaits us all and needn't be desired or feared. It is just a continuation of the journey. But none of that really speaks to who I am. I am what I am  capable of being at this time, it is not all I wish to be.
 The fact is I can't honestly answer the question, who is Ben R ? It has been said that familiarity breeds contempt but I wouldn't say that applies in this situation. I am not contemptuous of myself. I don't feel as though I'm worthless. I have heard others say that about me however, I just don't agree. Which is the truth ? I am opinionated, no denying that. Those are just two traits that may or may not apply to me. It all depends on who is doing the defining. But who am I ?  I am the sum of my experiences and nothing more. It is all any of us are really. The more similar experiences we share with one another, the closer the bond becomes. I think that is a fair statement. That, coupled with the way we interpret those experiences. Where they positive or negative ? We do cling to the positives, sometimes even after we realize they are negatives ! One of life's little paradoxes.
 I do believe it would be quite a shock to read what others think you are. If those folks wrote their unvarnished truth that is. We, well most of us, are conditioned to not write or say our innermost thoughts and feelings. It is either to spare the feelings of others, or to spare ourselves. I probably would not like the person other people believe me to be. I can be an obstinate fellow, of that I am well aware. I also can't see me changing any time in the near future. I just have this thing about believing in yourself. I am not easily influenced, others call it being stubborn.
 All of this brings me no closer to the answer. I still don't know who Ben R is. I know what I would like others to see. I try to be that as honestly as possible. By that I mean I do not have many secrets. I will openly discuss just about anything if I feel it has value. Personal business should remain personal. That is why I seldom discuss my personal life. If my life experience has any value to you I will gladly share that. The truth is, they seldom do. My personal experiences are always absorbed as they relate to my past experiences. It is that way with us all. So, personal experience is of little value to others. Note, I am talking about personal experiences, not experience in general. They are separate entities in my opinion. So I am left with an unanswered question. I'll just have to chalk that up to, you can't know it all.  Knowing that, is knowing it all though. Another mystery in life. I'm mysterious, that who I am. Ben R is mysterious, let's go with that.