Saturday, February 13, 2016

Thoughts on grieving

 In Abingdon Maryland just the other day two police officers were tragically slain. The man doing the shooting was another nut job. The investigation continues into the why. It will be speculation in the end, a good guess no more, as the man was shot dead. These things happen and we question why, that is natural and normal. These things have always happened and no doubt will continue. There is no explanation. All one can really do is offer their prayers and condolences.
 No doubt the gun control advocates will jump on this incident as another reason to tighten regulations. In this case the gun was purchased legally. There is much discussion about his past and his violent tendencies. He did have two outstanding warrants for his arrest. Some are saying he was mentally ill. There are those that will say anyone having any sort of run in with the law should be denied their " right " to own a gun. It is probably the same folks that passed legislation allowing felons to vote here in Maryland. They have, after all, paid their debt and should be able to vote. Well, I'm certain anyone committing a felony is deeply concerned about performing their civic duty ! I'm as equally certain they will never offend again.
 There has been a tremendous outpouring of support. Memorials are popping up everywhere and I understand a vigil was held. Perhaps the family members will take some solace in that. I can not presume to have an inkling of what they must feel. Their loved ones were in law enforcement, a hazardous occupation, and their worst fears were realized. Tragic is the only word to describe that. I pray that they do. I can't help but think that maybe all those memorials and a vigil actually adds to the sorrow. Memorials are to serve as a reminder. I would think those affected need no reminder. When their loved one no longer comes through the door, or answers that phone call , they know. The news coverage is relentless. Interviews with the family are a part of that news coverage. Just what do they expect those folks to say ? Are all our good intentions adding to the tragedy ? I see memorials on the side of the road. I do not know who was killed there, but I feel sorrow. I always think, why would you do that ? I wouldn't want to drive by that memorial and be reminded. But grief, and the coping with it is a personal thing. Maybe they take comfort in that I just don't know.
 For me grief is a personal thing. A public display is not necessary. In some ways it strikes me as insecure. It is more of a " celebration " rather than supplication. We do not hold funerals anymore either, we have celebrations of life. I personally feel no need to publically display my sorrow. It goes without showing that I mourn the loss of my loved ones and indeed, the loss of any life. These memorials and vigils just come off more as a spectacle than anything else.
 All of this stems from my personal beliefs. I am well aware of that. Church, and the act of worship,  is a personal thing to me. I go to the house of God as a guest. He has invited me in. I should behave in an appropriate fashion. I go in supplication before my God asking for his guidance and mercy. It strikes me as presumptuous to have a party or celebration beforehand. Truly I should just be grateful for whatever I receive. They even have rules about " excessive celebration " in football and I think that should apply to church as well. Piety is best displayed with decorum. The proper proprieties, at all times. Addressing my God is a formal affair. So too, is death. Death is a finality and should be considered as such. It is solemn. No amount of flowers or lighted candles will negate that sorrow, they just add to it.  I do not need to show you or anyone else how much I grieve. I do not require any validation in that regard.
 Of course all of that is just my personal feelings. I hold no bad thoughts about those that wish to create those memorials or hold those vigils. Each of us must cope in our own way. I am only concerned when these well meaning memorials and gatherings incite further actions. Emotions are nothing to play around with. I question the wisdom of teaching our children that we should hold these vigils almost as a form of protest against death. Death will come regardless. Should we erect memorials for each persons passing ? Yes, a simple headstone or marker is an appropriate memorial. Over the years the size of those stones reflected the status of the person in life. The reality is we are all equal in death. I come from old stock. My ancestors were raised in the stoic ways of the New Englanders. That was the social norm. Those values are changing that cannot be denied. It is ever so, this evolving of social norms and customs. Each generation adding or subtracting from that.
I hope to make my passing with dignity. I wish no great fanfare following that. For me, please no bumper stickers in memoriam, no tattoos , and no vigil with lighted candles. Come visit me, speak softly, and I will hear your heart. Mourn briefly and love forever. Think of me not as a " candle in the wind " but rather as a bright light that shone for a while. Like a lighthouse my light will return to guide you whenever you feel the need. All that is necessary is sincerity of belief. And I believe, it'll be alright. 

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