Just Me

Just Me
Look,I'm just sayin'

Thursday, February 25, 2016

taking stock

  Every once in a while a restlessness comes over me. I get the feeling I should be doing something but have no idea what it should be. It isn't a desire for entertainment, that isn't what I feel. It is more like I have forgotten something,  or something I should be doing. It is a frustrating thing. Really my reaction is more one of wanting to just quit than one of action. I just can't decide. I think it comes down to one thing, making a difference somehow. I want it to matter. The truth is, it must matter to me as much as it matters to others, for it to be worthy of the effort. Just what is that concern ? I think it may be things that can not be changed. That is why I feel the frustration that I do. The feeling of  " yelling into the wind " can be exasperating. There are times when writing these blogs I get that feeling. Doing something " just for yourself " is something I take little satisfaction in. You could say that I require confirmation, appreciation and validation and that would all be true. Yes, I do, and that is just an honest appraisal.
 Does this restlessness come from wanting those things ? I suppose it could be. I am looking for something that is clear. Perhaps it is a desire to settle things. How do we measure success ? Is it measured by wealth, fame or notoriety ? That is the image we are shown everyday. Our society in general uses those things as the yardstick. We tell ourselves it is otherwise, especially as we grow older, but the glaring truth is still there. Yes, that is how success is measured. Happiness is not related to success in all cases. I will say it is easier to be happy when you have success. Could it be otherwise ? No one wants to fail. Are our lives to be lived like playing a game ? That depends. Do you play games to win, or just for the fun of playing ? I always want to win, that is my nature. I had to learn how to lose. I believe most of us have to learn that lesson. You won't win every time but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.
 Am I reaching a point of reckoning ? Or is it more of a reconciliation ? The later is certainly dependent upon the former. Is all this writing I have done over the years the reckoning and now the process of reconciliation begins ? Reconciliation leads to understanding and understanding to peace. The old folks would have called it, taking stock. What values, traditions and ideology have you invested in ? Have those proven to be sound ? That is the reckoning. Reconciliation follows. Is that what aging really is ? Now how ironic would that be ? Well it would provide an opportunity to square the books before the final reckoning. Could be it is all just a part of the plan.