changed

 My sister had a habit of keeping a journal. She wrote in that each morning. What she wrote I couldn't say as she never shared those journals. She told me when the journal was full, she simply discarded it. It may seem like a curious thing to do but I think I understand. I believe she was simply writing things down to let them go. They weren't intended for anyone else, just herself and God. I get that, I have things I only share in that manner too. The only difference being I don't write them down. Some would say it would be better if I simply did like my sister and keep all my opinions to myself. But I'm different from her, she was quiet and reserved and I'm anything but that. My sister passed away a little over four years ago. I've never inquired about her last journal, but I hope it was destroyed if that was her wish. 

 That being said I confess I wish I could have read her journals. I wonder what her thoughts were. She once told me it was a sort of self-therapy. That being the case it is privileged information, like a diary and should remain that way. Whatever thoughts myself or others have regarding her opinions or feelings are now left to speculation. I believe she was content with that. She had no need to seek validation. She did have that inner strength to persevere. Not that she didn't have her insecurities, we all do, but she was strong of spirit.

 These thoughts came to me this morning as I sat down to write. It is what is on my mind I suppose, or what came to mind as the saying goes. I sometimes sit here and think, what am I going to write about today? Then something comes to me. I thought after I'm gone others will certainly have a lot of material to reference when expressing an opinion on what I thought. That was the thought when I first started writing as well. I've always liked to get the last word, I'm fully aware of that, and this is one mechanism to do that. Even after I'm gone there will be a reference manual of sorts. It isn't too personal though, as I said, I don't share everything.   Actions define the person, not words. I hope to be judged upon my actions. I will be judged by time, no avoiding that. Fortunately, the custom is to only speak good of the dead. I have noticed that applies if you were a good person in life. If your actions weren't so good, silence usually follows. At least for a while, then you will be used as an example of what not to do. 

 It has been said if you want to know what you believe, write. Perhaps that is what my sister was doing. I know I have learned a few things about myself over the last twelve years of writing these blogs. I can't say I've had any revelations, made any breakthroughs, nothing like that, but became aware. I believe I have learned more about why I think the way I do than what I'm thinking! Does that make any sense? I hear the voices of the past all the time. I'm skeptical of any promises for the future. I do believe if it isn't broken, don't fix it. And yes, I believe I'm right more times than I am wrong. Call that confidence or arrogance, it makes little difference to me. 

 I've learned that change isn't that important to me. I'm not concerned with changing everything every time it doesn't suit. I hear that cry all the time, we need to change this or that. It's time for a change. Well, if something worked just fine yesterday and doesn't today, something has changed. It could be it is you that has changed! That's something to think about. Not all growth is a good thing. No, sometimes growth is malignant. It needs to be removed. The host is just fine, that doesn't need to change. We humans are always changing something, and later placing the blame.

 We all want for our children the things we didn't have. The funny part about that is if we never had it, how do we know what that was? It is simply the things we thought we wanted. Money, a house, a car, status in the community, fame, whatever. We wanted to change our circumstances, that's what we really wanted. It's ironic though because the vast majority of us will spend our senior years remembering the years of our youth. We would like to change everything back to the way it was. Yes, there are those that will say otherwise, tell you all about the tragedy that was their youth. And that is true for some, but that has changed. No need to cry over spilled milk is the adage that applies. You can't change the past. 

 Now I buy a lottery ticket like everyone else, and I dream. What a change that would make. It's a great dream. I realize that it is just that, however. It could happen. There are a great number of things I would change were it within my power to do so. The truth is, I'd changed things around me, I wouldn't change me. And I'm betting that is true for 99% of humanity. The best changes are always when I can change your mind. The reason is a pretty basic one too, I get what I want. That's how that works. So there. That is my thought for this morning. I wrote it down. Don't try to tell others I thought something differently either. I want what I want, not necessarily what I need. I will not be consumed by want however, I can enjoy what I have, or had. That can't be changed by anyone.