Parents are people too

 After our parents pass, we begin to look at them in a different light. No longer do we speak of them in the first person now they are memories, not real people. It's that way with all people though, not just our parents, but my parents are on my mind this morning. In three weeks my Mom will have been gone for a year. That's a strange saying isn't it, gone? Yes, they are gone from this world, but not from our lives. 

 I was talking with my brother just the other day and naturally we talked about Mom and to a lesser degree Dad. Dad has been gone for thirty two years. I noticed how the conversation involving them had changed. We were speaking about them as though they were historical figures. That is to say in a historical sense. We were analyzing the how and why of them. No longer just Mom and Dad, they had become people. People that had lived and died, loved, had dreams and failures. Real people that had affected our lives and our choices. In a sense we both felt as though we were now free to say whatever we please, without reservation, in regards to them.

 Some time back I had written a story about my grandmother Bennett. She was my moms' mom. My mother read that story and was very upset about it. She informed me I was talking about her mother and I had no right to say anything about her! I tried to understand what the problem was, I pointed out that she was my grandmother, but that didn't matter at all. I had told the story of my grandmother from my perspective and how I thought she may have felt. I thought it a touching tribute to a remarkable woman. My mother held an opposing view of the entire thing! I discussed that with my brother and he is equally as baffled and she lived with him the last five years of her life. I had written what I thought was historically accurate account of her life. My Mother thought it was all slanderous. 

 I haven't written an account of Dad or Mom. It's something I have hesitated to do. I still have a lot of bias in that regard and I'm quite aware of that. I have learned things about my parents that were surprising and sometimes less than flattering.   Yes, I discovered they were just people, much like everyone else. There is much I do not know. How much did I not know about my Grandmother? Perhaps that is what upset my Mother so. She didn't attempt to correct the story, offer any alternative analysis, but she must have been aware of things I am not. At the time the story was written my mom was the last one of grandma's ten children still alive. My mothers' parents and siblings were all gone. Her four husbands, all gone. Her oldest child gone. Thinking about it my mother always referred to her mother as, momma. That's what she always said, momma. Momma did this or that, Momma. I'm guessing that in my mothers mind, her mother remained as momma, if that makes any sense.

 As I said, Mom has been gone for almost a year now and I am seeing her in a different way. Yes, she was my mother and will forever be my mother. Still somewhere along the way she became a person too. A person with different ideas, views, and beliefs than myself. That isn't to say we didn't get along, we certainly enjoyed each others company. I do see her differently now. She was never one to share her feelings or doubts. Oh she would get angry no doubt about, that but she showed no weakness. I would have to say she wasn't exactly what I would describe as maternal. That she loved and cared for me and my siblings is without question. She made sure we had what we needed and tried to give us what we wanted as well. It's just that she wasn't overly maternal. Being the youngest of ten I'm thinking she may have been spoiled just a bit when she was growing up. Perhaps she was more comfortable being taken care of, then doing the caring. 

 In writing these words I feel like I'm saying something bad about her. You know it's bad luck to speak ill of the dead, advice mom often handed out. But I'm not speaking bad about her, just telling the truth from my perspective. I feel qualified to do so. Should someone choose to write a story about me after I'm gone, I would want it to be honest. A sort of biography is what I'm thinking about. But a synopsis is closer to what I have in mind. That is what I wrote about grandmother Bennett, a synopsis of her life. I do intend to write one for Dad and Mom one day for the grandkids to possibly read. That's a portion of why I'm writing all these blogs. I want the truth out there! I do think it is best to write your story. If you don't, someone else might. Others may not see things the way you do, could lead to misunderstandings. Hard to correct any misunderstanding after you are gone. Thing is I wonder if I ever understood my parents. Parents are people too. Takes a long time to fully understand that.