the passage of time

 With the holidays rushing at me I am thrown into a sentimental mood. I expect it is that way with a great deal of us. Some will be worried about getting the gifts, that will be their primary concern, while others concentrate on decorating and entertaining. The holidays have always been a family thing. With me, it has always been just the core family. No Hallmark Thanksgiving or Christmases for me. You know what I mean? No family flying in from all over the country, no big gathering, and no drama. No, it has always been a small intimate experience for me. Sentimental.

 This year will be the first Christmas without momma. She left this world eight months ago. It's a hard and sobering fact. With just one brother left the Christmases of my childhood are certainly nothing but memories now. Sadly, as hard as I try to remember, I can't. When was the last Christmas we spent together? It was certainly sometime in the last century. It's a reminder that we really never know do we? For that reason, we are often told to enjoy each moment. That is a difficult thing to do, as life has a tendency to interfere. We do get busy, don't we? The truth is we get self-absorbed at times. 

 It is a strange thing. I haven't been with my mother on Christmas day in many years. I always called her though, whenever it was possible. There were years when that wasn't. Over the years she would send along some hand-crafted items, macramé plant hangers, a few paintings, and some knitted items. I hold onto those treasures and some will be on display for Christmas. And this year I realize there will be no card, just silence. Why should that prey upon my thoughts so? Perhaps it is because it seems like a light turned out, a Christmas light. 

 That's the thing about aging. The familiar and the expected fade away. The only thing keeping them alive is our memories. No familiar card from Mother this year. There will be no phone call, no laughter about years past. It is just the expectation that she would always be there I suppose. We all tend to think that way I believe. I had gone long stretches of time when we didn't see each other or have a conversation, but she was always there. It was that way with my father, my brother and sister as well. Today I have one brother remaining. I'll call him for Christmas, something that wasn't always done as life rushed past the pair of us. 

 Now all of this may sound sad, melancholy even, but that isn't how I feel. I feel more a sense of being resigned than anything else. The acceptance of life, and the passage of time. Contentment and peace. That is what I'm trying to write about. Would I accept a do-over? Of that I can't be certain. I have so many fond memories that I wouldn't want to lose. I am grateful for what has been. You do have to accept the passage of time, no stopping or avoiding that. In so doing you have to accept whatever comes with the journey.