believing

  On Sunday mornings I usually watch two shows on Maryland Public Television. One is Song of the Mountains hosted by Tim White. I enjoy watching the lesser known performers on the Bluegrass/Traditional music circuit. Many are very talented musicians. Following that is Austin City limits. That show has a wide variety of performers, most are on the Indie circuit. At least I believe that is what they call that. Independent artists chasing their dreams. Not being a musician myself, or involved in the business in any fashion whatsoever, it is all a mystery to me. But Austin City limits has been a springboard for some. Stevie Ray Vaughn comes to mind as one of those performers. I'm certain there have been many more.

  Yesterday I watched both shows as usual. I couldn't tell you the name of the group featured on Song of the Mountains or the young lady featured on Austin City limits, both names escape me. On Song of the Mountains it was a traditional group with guitar, banjo, mandolin, fiddle and bass. It was that high lonesome sound. Accomplished instrumentalists. The singing wasn't bad either. Then Austin City limits came on. It was a young lady that had a band backing her, although they weren't highlighted at any point, the focus was on her. She was what I call a "prop" singer. Dressed in tights, a tee shirt, sneakers and wearing knee and elbow pads, she was quite active on the stage. Her "prop" was an ordinary kitchen table and a chair. At various points in the performance, she was lying on it, standing on it, hiding behind it and moving it about. She performed different stunts with the chair as well. Her vocal quality was what I would call lounge quality. Not bad, but nothing exceptional. I would describe her music as "beatnik" style, a throwback in my mind to the 1960's in the Village. Groovy man, with lyrics that were meant to send a message. I have to admit she was expressive.

 As I watched her perform, I thought to myself, she is there by believing. What I mean is, she has a deep belief in her herself and in her music. Although I would call what she does unconventional, and a bit strange, she certainly doesn't. You can see it in her face and demeanor, she believes she is good! I have seen others the same way at different fairs, functions and shows. Those with a self confidence, a belief in their ability. I recall talking to a couple that traveled around giving puppet shows. To listen to them, their art, was to be taken quite seriously. They certainly thought it was very serious business. To me, it was an amateurish thing, good enough to entertain small children but not ready for the stage. I watched a dancer at the carnival one time, doing an interpretive dance. My thought was, you could interpret that as dancing. But it was obvious to me she felt like a talent. It is a matter of self confidence, of believing in yourself.

 There is a part of me that admires those folks. I wonder where you get that confidence from. Another part wonders how you can so delude yourself. I'm thinking it is all a matter of belief, of believing in yourself in the face of everything. I suppose it could be said of me as well. I do compose these blogs and have written "poetry" that I believe others may want to read. That is a bit of self-belief. I admit it is easier to do when you don't have to face an audience, a live performance. I was asked to speak once, in public, and found it quite difficult to do. I stumbled through it. Was it a great oration? No, I'd say it left some wondering, what did he say? 

 My delusion is a simple one, I think that my "works" will gain appreciation after I'm gone. That seems to happen to a good number of artists. You don't appreciate what you have, till it's gone. I also believe that some gain success just by believing, by sheer force of will. By the willingness to put it all out there, and believe in it wholeheartedly while doing so. A sort of tunnel vision. Like "dancing" as though no one is looking." Of course, the problem with that is. I don't believe I will ever know if I am right. Validation is what I'm thinking about. We all require a degree of validation. 

 Perhaps the difference is simply the length one will go to receive that validation. Is drive a measure of insecurity? It does appear that a lot of "successful" people wind up unhappy with themselves. But that's just a perception I have. But then I have to ask, who is successful and how do I measure that? I'm thinking as long as I am content, I am successful. It is up to each of us to choose the measure, the standard. Others will judge us against their standard. Yes, I think most things are just a matter of belief. The longer I live, the more convinced I become of that.