calling home

  After you lose someone their memories reappears at unusual times. Could be a word spoken, a sunset or a can of soup in the cabinet that triggers a memory. I think it remains that way until that memory finds a home in your mind. Then you can go there whenever you wish to visit that person. But, until that happens you run into that memory everywhere you go, at times inconveniently. You can get lost in memory as easily as you can in thought. For some that never seems to happen and with others it happens quite quickly. The speed in which that happens is often viewed as a measure of the love we had for that person. It is that way with others, not with the one coping. If you take too long you are told to get over it, too soon and you are heartless. The correct period of time is somewhat of a mystery, a subjective thing based in perception. It is even possible for that process to instill doubt in your own thoughts and mind. Are you grieving sufficiently? But then grief is a personal thing and as such a personal issue to deal with. In the final analysis the only person living with that grief is yourself and that is who you have to be comfortable with. 

  A memory of my mother came to me the other day. That memory came as I saw a picture of a dial telephone. It was a photo of a kitchen, an older kitchen not unlike the one I grew up in, with a telephone hung on the wall. It was a tan colored phone with a long tangled cord going to the handset. That cord allowed you to walk about while talking and Mom often did just that. A flood of memories came to me. And then, for no reason at all, a memory rushed at me. I was overseas, on my very first deployment, I must have been in England because I remember the phone booth. I had called the operator, to place a long distance call, collect. I remember my mother answering that call and the operator asking if she would accept the charges, she did. I told her where I was and she was so excited to hear from me. She had called for Dad who I could hear in the background saying what do you want? Later I heard him say, how much is this costing us? Can't blame him, long distance, collect, from England! We finished our talk and said our goodbyes once again. I would call her a few more times during that six month deployment and each time she accepted time and charges. Dad always griped about that but I knew he didn't really mind at all. That was just his way of saying, thanks for calling.

 As I remembered that whole scenario it came to my mind. I can't call home any more. My father, mother, brother and sister are all gone now, no calling them. I do have a brother that I can call though, brother Dan lives in Georgia. We really haven't stayed in touch much over the years for no particular reason. We have both just been busy. Isn't that what we tell ourselves? Oh how I wish I could dial Mom's number now and get a busy signal. That signal at least told you she was home, but no more. Now the message is, that number is no longer in service. Yes, my brothers and sister are my family, they are an integral part of my past. Still, when I think of home I think of Mom and Dad, in the house I grew up in. Even though Dad passed thirty one years ago, that house torn down, with the passing of my mother I had a stark realization, I can't call home, ever. 

 Mom's number is still in my contacts list, I can't bring myself to remove it. She never sent a text in her life, or sent a picture from her phone. I do have lots of reminders from her all over my home. Things she made and a few notes that she wrote. We had a history with telephone calls. For a while I would call her early every Sunday morning. Then I heard she was bothered by that, me calling at the crack of dawn! My feelings were hurt a bit and I didn't call early or as often. That passed however and I called her often. Those last few conversations were some of the best. It seemed like years were melting away and we were just remembering together. So much more I wish I had asked, and some things I wish I had never said. But there is no calling home now, I'll just have to wait until I can go visit. No hurry you understand, Mom and Dad will be home.