a flawed hero

 We leave but fragments of ourselves when we pass from this world. The choice is not our own. What will future generations cling to? Old stories, old memories, and old objects. All become a curiosity to varying degrees. Some are nothing more than a passing fancy while others may consume us. I have done many hours of searching, trying to discover answers. I received some, while others remain. Pieces to the puzzle of the past. It's strange how we realize the future is a mystery, unknown to us, but so is the past. The only true past we know is our own. But we don't know all the circumstances that shaped our past, much of that is a mystery. Those are some of the answers I went in search of. I found very few first hand accounts, a few newspaper articles, and hints from history itself. Armed with what little information I have I have formed opinions and generalizations about those ancestors. I'm certain they are highly inaccurate if I were able to talk directly to those ancestors. 

 Now with all my writing, blogging, and commenting on social media my descendants will certainly have a great deal more to go on. That's if anyone of them should take an interest that is. Those descendants that knew you personally most likely will not take much interest, feeling they already know. It is those descendants that never knew you that may become interested. As I discovered filling in the blocks on the family tree can be a time consuming task. Finding official records, records that are reliable, can be difficult. That isn't going to be the case in the future, our lives are well documented these days. Future generation should be able to fill in the blanks quite easily. DNA will prove to be a roadmap that is undisputed. Well, it already is. 

 After doing all that searching, I found I wasn't satisfied with that information. I really want to know more about the person, as an individual. I have found some clues, some hints, some newspaper articles and obituaries. I do have one partial autobiography written by a grand uncle that gave me some insight. What I have are fragments. With no one left to ask, speculation is all I have. I'm looking for an explanation. I wonder though, if it is even possible for us to explain ourselves. Are we capable of that much honesty? I believe that is a challenge unanswered by many of us. I will say, in all honesty, I'm not telling everything, not today, not tomorrow either. Beyond that I'm not certain I could explain why I made certain choices in the first place. Can we explain emotions? That is to say, why we feel the way we do? And even when we do, can we admit to that? So many pieces to the puzzle. 

 A while ago I thought about this same topic. My thought being, any autobiography I should write I wouldn't want released as long as there were those living that knew me personally. What I mean is, if a generation is twenty years, wait at least four generations. Historical figures are allowed to be imperfect, well they used to be anyway, although today they are being canceled. That is a topic for another day. But if the person never knew you, they can't be disappointed in you, know what I mean? That is the concern with an autobiography, the exposing of our own humanity. Also the reason I question if we can be that honest. Do you really want to subject your legacy to scrutiny? Expose the flaws in your character? Most especially the ones you feel you have kept hidden.  

 Well all of this is just me talking to myself. Just something to think about. Is it vanity that causes these thoughts? A concern for what other think about me, even beyond my death? Let's face it, I won't know will I? So, why the concern for the contents of an autobiography? It is a vain thing, I can see it no other way. To think that revealing the truth would cause harm to others is in itself a vain thought. Rather self important, don't you think. Ah but the goal is to be, larger than life. That is what I was taught anyway. A different generation with a different viewpoint. My heroes are all like that, even when I know those heroes aren't real, like movie characters. They were characters to emulate. That was their purpose. Sadly I feel that has changed. Is it a surrender? Maybe, but I prefer a hero's tale, even when the hero is flawed.