getting the gift

 A lack of motivation, that's what happens when you get older. At least that is what I'm finding out. But what is motivation supposed to motivate you to do? I guess that is what they call purpose. Remember in the Rocky movie when Mick says, purpose, what are we waitin' for. Rocky had to train to win because that is what Adrian wanted him to do. Thing is, she wanted him to do that for him, not for her. People , motivation and purpose can all be complicated things. Ever more frequently I don't feel motivated to do anything in particular, just get through another day. I mean I want to do that, I'm just not as anxious to get'er done. Does that even makes sense? I find myself doing things just to have something to do. It doesn't help that I'm a rather impatient person either. If something needs to be done I really want to do it right now, get it done. I have a hard time putting things off even when I 'd just as soon not do it. Well, sometimes I do, not all the time. It depends on what I feel like doing. If I feel like it should be done I have a hard time putting it off, if you think it should be done but I'm not too convinced it should be done, then I might put it off. And now that I think about that, that is dependent upon motivation as well, what's in it for me? So motivation is what makes you want to do something for others because it is something you want to do for yourself. See, I knew this was complicated. 

 I know I should be doing something, it isn't right to do nothing. Just doing something for others isn't enough for me though. Is that selfish? I can see where others would think so, after all it is others that get the benefit from me doing stuff for them. I appreciate it when others do for me, and get annoyed when I am left to do it myself, when in the past others did it for me. All of this is about reward. Don't we all do things for the reward? I think we do even when we try to deny that. Even a missionary does their missionary work for reward. That reward may solely be their faith in God and a final reward but isn't that a reward? Of course it is and it is what motivates them to do their work. In the final analysis they are doing that for themselves. Which begs the question: does the motivation matter? What I mean is, if you get what you want, does it matter what the motivation to get it was? 

 So I'm thinking now it is more a matter of deciding what you want, rather than being motivated to do something. Could it be as we age we don't lose our motivation but have a lack of wants? What do I want? Do I have to do anything to get that? I want my children to be happy, my grandchildren to prosper, and I want to be reasonably comfortable. I have all of that. Mostly I believe I have that because of what I have done in the past. Not that I didn't make a lot of mistakes, screw things up on occasion and make others unhappy, but overall I did what needed to be done. With that does come a degree of contentment. It just seems like there should be something more. Shouldn't I want more? When you get older, people, mostly the younger folks, will tell you , no. Just relax, enjoy life, you earned it. Did I? Or is it all just been a gift? Seems that way at times, especially when I review the past. I'm not certain I deserve it. But then again, a gift is a gift and shouldn't be a reward. It's a gift. Can you give yourself a gift? No, I don't think you can. You want things, but you can't give yourself things. It's a paradox of sorts. You can be motivated to work, to provide for others because that is what you want to do for whatever reason you want to do that. But then there are things you want that you can't get, even when you already have them. Those things have to be a gift. Is not wanting things the real gift? When you can honestly say, I don't want a thing, is that it? Is that what you want? I've heard that it is, but I don't believe that. I believe we all want something, just for ourselves. Discover what that one thing is and you are happy and content. The biggest struggle is knowing that you already have it. 

 Do you know when they say a person is gifted it is not what they have, but potential. They have been given a gift but they still must choose what to do with it. We have all been gifted a life, it is up to us to choose what to do with it. Can we ever do enough? Gifts don't come with expectations therefore we shouldn't try to reciprocate. We can decide when we have done enough. I guess I haven't reached that point yet. I haven't decided what I want. Thing is, I might already have it.