who I am

  Feeling a little philosophical his morning. Perhaps it is simply because it is Sunday morning and the thoughts that accompany that. I am questioning whether it is acknowledgement or reward that I seek? Which is the proper course? Growing up, in my church going days, I was taught that I would receive a reward for being a good person, the reward of heaven. That reward was "permission" to enter those pearly gates. The message was one of accountability. I will get what I deserve to put it plainly. I was told the rules of the game and expected to follow them. Saint Peter stood at the gate and I had to answer to him, although he had his instructions, given to him by God. If my name isn't on the list, I don't get in. I was never told about any appeal process, all decision are final. That decision was an acknowledgment, not a reward. The reward was eternal life although I'm still not sure to this day exactly what that means. I have to die to receive it! Then I'm eternally dead. It's my thinking I won't understand that until I have it. But all of that is philosophical isn't it? An attempt to explain the unexplainable.

 Setting aside the whole eternal life thing, and the reward associated with that, I am thinking about how I live my life everyday. I don't believe I'm much different from most, I enjoy acknowledgement for whatever I do. That is what we label, happiness. I know it make me happy anyway. Sure there are times I do things for others, to make them happy, which makes me happy. Sometimes that is all the acknowledgement necessary. We call it being appreciated. I'm no different from anyone else in that regard, I want to be appreciated. I was also taught that isn't something you can demand from anyone, it has to be earned. From that lesson I have learned you have to earn your own happiness, no one can give that to you. I wonder if that is why celebrities sometimes destroy themselves, they just can't give happiness to themselves. I believe it happens to everyday people as well. Is that what suicide is all about? I've never been that unhappy. I have moments when I tried to attract attention, happens more often that I would like but I'm working on that. It falls under the category of, "paying it forward" to coin a phrase used today. It means doing something for another person without the expectation of reward or return. It's best accomplished when they don't even know it. Thing is, it is a form of self validation, a way to please your inner self. I will do that every now and again, for me more than anyone else. Same as doing right, even when no one is looking. That's the action I'm thinking about. Doing what you know to be wrong, when no one is looking, it what leads to unhappiness. You know it is wrong but aren't holding yourself responsible.

 Well like I said I'm feeling a little philosophical this morning. It's Sunday morning, I can hear my wind chimes every now and again and I feel unsettled. I am looking around, that's what philosophy is all about, an attempt to explain. Philosophy is an attempt to settle our thoughts. It's a way to make our thoughts fit whatever reality we perceive. There are times when perception and reality aren't the same thing. That's when we may say, it is what it is. I keep trying but I can't explain it. The whole deal is a mystery isn't it? I remember being taught the basic of good journalism. We have to tell who, what, where, when and why. I'm still trying to figure out who I am. The rest of the story will follow that.