who cares

  I often think about, and have indeed started several, books. The truth is, what I have started on several occasions and in several forms is a memoir. Thinking about that it sounds so pretentious. I once allowed others to read the first few paragraphs and the only comment I did get was that it seemed too personal. Well, yes, memoirs can be that. And the issue with memoirs is a very limited audience. Those interested would indeed a small number, at least in my case that would be true. Unless one gains some fame, some notoriety in this world, that is always the case. Personal insights and revelations are of little interest to others unless they entertain. Self deprecating comics are quite popular, self deprecating authors not so much. Who cares? That last remark is at the heart of the matter, who does care? 

 The truth there is, I do. I care about the past, I care about those that came before, and I care about those yet to come. We are often told that doing something for yourself is just being selfish. When we are told to; do it for yourself; it is always accompanied with a tinge of guilt. We say, spoil yourself, you deserve it and a hundred other platitudes to justify that. It is ingrained in us, we should always do for others, even at a cost to ourselves, especially at a cost to ourselves. Whatever we do for ourselves isn't important, it is the contribution we make to the world that counts. And a personal memoir is of what value to anyone else? Beyond entertainment I can see little worth. My memoirs, my memories certainly wouldn't be a textbook. I find the more I remember, the more I question. No one wants to read the questions, they want the answers. Indeed isn't that what we spend our lives doing, looking for the answers? We do, it's just that some are more distracted than others. As we age, as time passes, we do become a bit more focused. Circumstance and reality have a way of doing that. You just have to recognize both. Circumstance may change, reality does not. 

 I'm still interested in writing that book, even if it is nothing more than a memoir. It is just that I have hopes that it will be a bit more than a curiosity. Bothers me a bit to think it wouldn't be more than an entertainment. A long time ago I expressed that by saying I hope to write some words of substance. It was then I began a habit of jotting down my thoughts in a journal. A single sentence that expresses a thought, what I think of as a quote. Something that would be repeated, used as a reference. When we wish to confirm something, lend credence to it, we often quote the source. My grandmother would say this, or my brother would say that. Unless the source being quoted is "known" it doesn't carry much weight. Quoting Aristotle or Hemmingway will make the thought seem a bit more valid than saying, Ben said that. That's simply because the question will be asked. who's Ben? The answer then would have to be, read the book. See the problem? 

 Any book I would write would be the view from behind the stage. The behind the scene look at life as it unfolded. I've played a bit part in all of this. Just someone in the crowd. The real story will be what follows and that is a reality. I'll most likely never know how the story ends. Any memoir I write will just be a footnote in that history and who reads the footnotes? It is that, that leaves me wondering if it is worth the effort. But then I'm reminded, you aren't supposed to do that for yourself, do it for others. A gift offered. Will the gift be accepted? The question is, does it matter? Memoirs are just memories written down. Do they need to tell a story? They do if the intent is to entertain. Guess what I'm hoping to do is to inform. It would be easier to accomplish if I joined all the victims today, victims, like misery, love company. Thing is, I'm no victim, I'm a willing participant. I've made my choices, right and wrong. I would like to have made a contribution, added something to the conversation. If not, I was just selfish.