defining

 There are mornings when I wonder what I am doing. This is one of them. Being retired I don't have any obligation to an employer, no set task to perform. In a strange way life is easier that way, requiring little thought. Yes you have to be there, do this or that, but you know what you're doing, or at least what you're supposed to do. It's not that way when you are retired. The only obligation is to yourself. You have to choose to do the right thing, today. Sure there are always chores to do the things of everyday life. Fix this, clean that, doing whatever. The hard part is defining your job. That's why I sometimes ask, what am I doing? 

 There is the struggle between doing for others, and doing for yourself. That struggle can be defined as work ethic. What is your work ethic? Is it different when doing something for others, than it is when doing for yourself? What are the expectations? The inner knowledge of what you feel you are capable of, compared to the actual effort you are putting forth. Do you take shortcuts with yourself? I find myself saying, that's good enough, but never meaning that. Usually when I say that it is more of a resolution, than fact. Seldom am I satisfied with the outcome. I always feel it could have been better, but am unwilling to continue, a sort of paradox. I'm interested in so many things, I don't have time for just one. But is that because I don't feel expert in any one thing? What I mean to say is, I feel competent in a number of trades/interests/hobbies or whatever, but not expert. Nothing outstanding.

 This morning I am wondering, what am I doing? The real question to be answered though is, do I need to be doing anything? We are programmed to believe that we should be productive in some fashion. My grandmother would say, idle hands are the Devils workshop and there is truth in that old proverb. You can get involved in mischief when you have too much idle time on your hands. I have lots of "projects"  that occupy my time. I do enjoy working on those little projects and when they help others I feel good about doing them. But there are days, times, when I want to just do things for me. Problem being, I also tend to feel guilty about doing that. If I'm doing something for myself but receive no support for that endeavor, whatever it is, a sense of guilt creeps in. But maybe it isn't guilt, maybe it is really just seeking validation. We all require that from time to time is my thinking. Some people are much better at self validation than others is my guess. 

 I write the majority of these thoughts in the first person because I am that person. I don't necessarily mean them as a self examination but as a question to others. I wonder if others feel the same way? I realize that sometimes these pieces read as a bit of philosophy or as some form of instruction, but that isn't the intent. The intent is having a discussion. Yeah, I like to talk to myself whenever I need expert advice, no one knows me better than me. I sat down to write something this morning and that's when I thought, what am I doing? Yesterday I posted this statement: " We all have a part to play, but only we can define the character. " I'm thinking it is that thought that has been simmering overnight and why I woke up wondering, what am I doing? What is my part and what character am I playing? I have to define that character, no one else can do that for me. Something to think about.