used to be

 Talking about how people used to be. That's what I find myself doing a little more each year. That's because each year a few more people I knew are now, used to be. Yes, every year a few more pass. It takes a while before you can speak of them in that way, but it comes. What I mean is talking about them with more of an unbiased opinion or viewpoint. It's an acceptance of just who they were regardless of their relationship to you. You no longer offer excuses or explanations for that person you simply tell how the person used to be. I lost Mom a year and a half ago and just recently reached that point. I can talk about how she used to be, no apologies, no explanations, no excuses. I don't feel like I'm being disloyal by doing that, it's an acceptance. 

 That particular thing became obvious to me as I spoke with my brother the other day. Out of the immediate family it is only he and I. He is the only one I have to share firsthand accounts of growing up in that family with. It's strange how often we see things differently. We don't always agree on how someone used to be. But, as the years roll by we are discovering more of the truth. We are becoming comfortable with telling each other how things used to be, for ourselves, without concern of confrontation. It's just the way it used to be. Sometimes sad, sometimes funny, sharing the little quirks in life. An honest open discussion of what used to be and what it has become. Really a sharing of what we saw, what we believed to be true, and our conclusions.

 How much did I know? That's always the question in my mind. I know how I remember someone, how they appeared to me, but did I know them? Take my parents for instance, they weren't big on sharing their stories. I never had a real "heart to heart" discussion with either one of them, that just wasn't done in their world. I lived in that world. What motivates a person, defines a person. That is something I believe wholeheartedly. All successful people are highly motivated people, that's what the phycologists will tell you. The issue is simply defining what success is. It all depends upon your acceptance of what success is. But I'm wandering off a bit. What I'm thinking is if you know their motivation, you will know the person. 

 How important is it to you to have others recognize whatever it is you are doing? Image was certainly important to my mother; I believe that motivated her. She was concerned with what others thought about her. That was the reason for her defiance, why she always denied that. My dad was the opposite, he just did what he wanted to do, and let the chips fall. It wasn't that he didn't care about others, he wasn't selfish in that way at all, just that he decided what he wanted to do and that was that. I call it being confident, while Mom was always a bit insecure. But I don't know what made them that way. I wonder if any of us can really know how something affects another person. A simple word or phrase may have a profound impact on someone, but a complete disaster leaves them unfazed. Some remain calm in the direst of situations while others panic at the least of calamities. 

 De mortuis nil nisi bonum is a Latin phrase that means speak no ill of the dead. It was an admonishment I heard from my Grandmother Bennett  and my mother. I was told, they aren't here to defend themselves! Well that certainly makes sense. My reply would sometimes be, if you're telling the truth, that's not bad. I would then be told stop being a wise guy! Never had the nerve to reply, thought that was a good thing. No, I was wise enough to know better than that. That might invoke another old adage, spare the rod and spoil the child! Grandmother Bennett was quite familiar with the Old Testament. Best to let sleeping dogs lie.

 The things we say about how people used to be, are the things we wouldn't say to them. The reasons for doing so are as numerous as the people themselves. Most of the time it would simply be to avoid confrontation. No one wants to be told of their shortcomings. No one sees you the way you see yourself and that is a difficult thing to accept. Quickest way I know to start an argument is to tell someone how they think. Hurt feelings are what I'm talking about. Those are the things we usually don't say to one another. I'll say I love your music, your art, your pet, your choice of clothing or whatever to avoid hurting your feelings, depending. Depends upon how close to you I am, my motivations, and the importance of that information. We all say we will tell those closest to us anything, that we can tell our closest friends and confidants anything, but that isn't true. All of us keep secrets not just about ourselves, but about others as well. Do we tell those secrets after their passing? We do, but not if that information is derogatory. What used to be is neither good nor bad, it is what used to be. It's there to learn from, not to judge.