Acceptance

 There are things that most people don't want to talk about. One of those things is dying. I don't mind talking about that eventuality at all. It's going to happen, no escaping that. Maybe after I die I can identify as living, is that what ghosts are doing, but I don't believe that at all. I do wonder if I will know it. Will I know that I am dead? I don't think I will is where my thoughts are on that subject. That could change I suppose. But I find myself asking questions. Questions like, why is dying thought of as a bad thing? I mean most of us don't want to do it! Is it that we feel we will be missing something? Is dying denying ourselves something? We don't want to do it, do we? No, we don't. Do we die when we have no reason to live? Do we get to decide that? Is it reason or purpose?  

 Now I can't say whether or not I will be afraid when it's my time to die, won't know that until the time. The hope is to go in my sleep. I think most of us want that exit. I have to admit that I do think about a great last dramatic statement, like in the movies, before my last breath. I don't want everyone to plunge into despair, rather, I want everyone to go, well damn! That should be followed by, you never know what you have till its' gone. That's the ideal scenario for me. 

 Afraid of death, or afraid of dying? I think they are different things altogether. The fear of the unknown? I can honestly say I'm not afraid of what happens after I die. I'll be dead. Can it get worse? The question is, if it can will there be anything I can do about it? Probably not. It is what it is. As far as being afraid of dying the fear is in suffering, not the dying part. I don't want it to hurt. If it does I wouldn't want anyone to know that. It could ruin my image of being a tough guy. Perception is everything when it comes to that stuff. The British would say, keep a stiff upper lip. My father would say, quit that blubbering! That's what he called that crying you did as a child, the kind where you are trying catch your breath, the spittle is gurgling, you are sniffling and your whole face is quaking. Quit your blubbering!

 The acceptance of mortality. That's what I'm talking about. There are many papers written by learned scholars on the topic. Like everything else studies, surveys and polls taken. It is known that the older you get, the more accepting of that fact you become. No kidding. Another general finding is that when you accept your place in the world, your standing, position, or place, however you wish to define that, the easier it becomes. It concerns settling your affairs. What exactly those affairs may be are as diverse as the people worried about them. What concerns you? 

 I worry about what will happen to my stuff. That's what I find my concerns to be, most of the time. The objects that hold the most importance to me are the things I worry about. Their monetary value isn't even a question. No one is selling anything I got and getting rich. You wouldn't get a tank of gas or a big mac. The value lies in sentiment and memory. I realize it is my sentiment and memories and that is the source of the concern. Can I reasonably expect anyone else to carry those forward? The answer is no, and that is another reality that is difficult to accept. It is closely related to mortality. It's an end. 

 Life will go on for those left behind. They will keep going just as I have over the years and through the losses. I don't need to worry about them. I figure to do what I can for them while I am here. After that, you're on your own. The inanimate objects and the intangible however require a host, a curator to continue on. That is the concern and what I want reassurance on. The problem being few want to take that seriously while you are living because they don't want to accept that you will die. Or, they don't want to say that to you instead saying, that's a long time from now.   Well, maybe, maybe not. I'm thinking that were I holding a fortune the attitude might be different. Guess it all depends upon what you classify as inheritance. Lots of definitions for that one isn't there? My hope, and fear if you want to call it that, is that my inheritance will not be recognized. One mans treasure and all that. Well, you can't take it with you as they say. I have to learn to accept that, dying will happen whether I want it or not.