Integral

 Was reading a question sent to the New York Times. I left my comment and was immediately told how wrong I am. You see the question was being asked by this woman that had been having an affair with this married man. This affair had been going on a number of years but now the wife had passed. The question was how soon she should allow others to see her dating this man. The kicker was this, however. The wife had been suffering from dementia for the last few years. That is why they didn't let anyone know that they were having a relationship.

 My first thought was, so you're saying it is alright to have an affair as long as the wife doesn't know about it? That seemed to be the premise as she explained to the readers how his wife had dementia and didn't know anything anyway. That seemed to make it alright for her, and him, but they didn't want to let anyone else know that. I thought, that's because they both know that it is wrong. It was then I wrote my remarks and got an immediate response that I was completely wrong about all of that. I was told that remaining faithful to your wife even when she has dementia and doesn't know you anymore is just a silly religious belief. I was told that being a martyr for love was just doing it for yourself, for your own good. Really it was suggested I should just cheat as long as she doesn't know and it makes me happy because, well, I deserve to be happy. A commitment isn't forever! 

 I continued the back and forth a bit explaining my thoughts. Yes, I got caught up in something that isn't my business, but she posted it, so I felt an obligation. I do forget that people posting such things are just looking for validation, an agreement to ease their conscious. It isn't wrong if others agree that it is right, or at least, justifiable. I couldn't help but try to impress one point upon this individual. That point is you gave your word to another person that you would be faithful and true. That is what she insists is the religious part because well, it wasn't written down anywhere. She informed me she had studied religion at university and so was well informed about such matters. Then she tells me her grandmother suffered from dementia and how terrible that was and how she would have fully supported her grandfather had he decided to pursue a romantic relationship. She explained how her grandmother had forgotten them all! I responded with; no, it is you that forgot her! 

 You can't know what is in the mind of another, especially so when they have lost the ability to communicate with you. With all our science we can't say those with dementia don't remember, all we can say is, they can't communicate with us. I asked her if there were other illnesses that qualified for this exemption. What if you are paralyzed, or have terminal cancer or long covid, can I just start an affair as long as I don't tell you? Is that how marriage works? I just don't get it. If you don't want to be with that person any longer just say so. 

 That's my opinion, my belief on that. Marriage isn't multiple choice! It is either yes or no. That includes everything associated with that marriage. Marriage is a commitment, a promise made. You give your word. Yes, you can take it back. The only way to do so is to come right out and say so. Anything else is a deceit. This rationalization is just another deceit. Well, she doesn't know so it's alright. Intregrity is doing the right thing even when no one is looking. It's integral to marriage. It's why we say, I do, I will, and so help me God! I finished my conversation with this person with this simple statement. If you don't want others to know what you are doing, or did, most likely you shouldn't have been doing that in the first place.