that old

  When we are young we are anxious to grow older. Looking forward to all the wonderful stuff we are going to do. Being older is going to be great, sure you will have to work, have a job and all that, but you get to do what you want to do. Isn't that the dream? Sure it is and it isn't at all like reality. You get older and the next thing you know all you hear is, you're old enough to know better. What's worse, you begin to understand that. Yup, you are too old for that nonsense. You even tell yourself that. You begin to understand responsibility. You understand that love is more a sense of responsibility, than one of amorous adventure. The things that you longed to do as a child turned out not to be as exciting as we had imagined. All in all I'd say growing older is a bit of a disappointment. It just doesn't live up to the hype. 

  I'm thinking that is why we all love nostalgia so much, looking back on the past. As we grow older, if you are paying attention, you can see the future. That is evident with our friends and family. Possibly the biggest indicator is watching our parents grow old. I never gave that a thought when I was growing up. Heck, I thought they were already old. Little did I realize just how old they would get, so old in fact that they died. It's a funny thing, I had grandparents as well and they were old, even my parents said they were old. But my parents never said anything to me about any of that. I guess it is because it is the normal condition, the kids thinking their parents are old. I knew my parents were old, they knew their parents were old nothing unusual. It's all a subconscious thing. But at some point it all becomes clear, you are getting old too! It comes as a surprise. It has for me anyway, with the recent passing of my mother. Yes, she became that old. Yes that is why we love nostalgia so much, the past always looks better than the future. Well, at least on a personal level. Also the reason we like to talk about leaving a better place for our children. The reality being we are the one "leaving." Seems like the least we can do. 

  Now some may think all of this is a sad thing, depressing even, but it is not. To me it isn't anyway, it is just what will be. Being somewhat a student of history, having learned from the past, I am aware of the future. At some point I won't be in it. And that, that is as it should be. Some become preoccupied with where they are gong, looking to the future, and take comfort in that. It is much the same mindset as when we were children, we can't wait to grow up only this time it is forever. I too think about all of that, what will happen to the energy that is me. It can't be destroyed only transformed from one state to another. As to whether "I" will exist, I'm undecided about that. And that is also something about growing older, you decide. People may say, you're stuck in your ways, but I disagree, I've just decided. That's what old folks do, decide on the answer and stay with that. I have decided on some things and won't be changing my mind. That just leaves the things I haven't decided upon, it's a sort of unclutter of life. A downsizing you might say. It's my thinking the fewer things you have left to decide upon the happier one becomes. But maybe it isn't happiness, it is more of a contentment. An easing of the mind. No expectations of grandeur. 

  The thing is the future will look pretty much like the past. Yes technology will change, advancements in science. Still the human problem remains. Humans always want to change something. Nothing is ever decided because each generation keeps making a different choice. History proves that. The choices aren't really any different though, because they are only two, right and wrong. One of those two will always be chosen. Yes that is the whole deal in a nutshell. It's why we say what's right for you, may be wrong for me, and make excuses, explanations and reasons for acting the way we do. Each human is a unique creation. We are all shaped by so many different factors. That's why we arrive at different answers to the same question. Yes I'd say getting old is a bit of a disappointment. It isn't at all what I thought it would be. The big problem being so many naïve people. Wake up people, smell the roses. That isn't the way the world works. Be content with the hand you have been dealt, you aren't going to get another one. Well unless you win the lottery that is. You have a one in about 302 million chance. And that is the same odds you had when you were born of being someone different than who you currently are. Just be happy with who you are and dream about the lottery without expectation. That's what I have decided. Of course being human I might change my mind tomorrow. I'm not too old yet!