a different view

  Looking at the past and getting a different view. That seems to be what is happening to me these days. My father passed away almost 35 years ago. Since then, I've lost one brother, my sister and my mom. My remaining brother stays distant from me for unknown reasons, the stuff of families I suppose. I'm not going to try to make any excuses or explanations for any of that. It has contributed to this review of history however, this new look.

  I'm discovering that history is only as permanent as you allow it to be. The story can change, be modified, revised and rewritten. History, it turns out, is a mixture of fact, fiction, desires and disappointments. The telling of that history is dependent upon the current state of the storyteller. I'm entering a more factual phase in all of that. Time can cause a detachment. It isn't that you forget but you accept. No longer interested in providing an explanation, providing an excuse, or harboring a desire for something you felt you wanted, just telling the story. 

  Each story is unique. We have all heard that said a thousand times, mostly as an excuse. It's a method to justify our choices, our actions over the years. Until you have walked a mile in my shoes. The thing is, looking back we often see the same thing. At some point we will pause, review those steps and change our shoes. That's where I am now. The past is no longer chasing me, and I'm in no hurry to go forward. We are all told we should set goals, something to work toward, a motivation. But I have no goal today, nothing in particular in mind. I just take each day as it comes. And that, that is enough.

 All this came to mind this morning for no particular reason. I have no idea why these thoughts randomly pop into my mind. I like to think it is just the filing system in my brain doing a bit of rearranging, making room for some more information. I've read where they say we only use about 10% of our brain and other studies saying we use 100%. No one is saying we use all of it all the time though. Also, parts may be preoccupied at times and that is what leads to those instances where we just do something dumb. Happens quite often to younger people. I'm thinking that is because younger people are easily distracted by anything that is new. There isn't much new in the world, not really. 

 I thought about a question I was asked frequently in my younger days. What do you want to be when you grow up? I never did have an answer for that. I didn't know then and still don't to be honest about it. I wasn't encouraged to be anything. That's a simple truth. The big goal I was set was to graduate high school. That's all I heard from my dad about goals. I was going to graduate high school and that was that. What I was to do after that was less clear. That I was moving out the house was plain enough, no staying there after high school. I was expected to get a job, move out and do whatever. I was never told to be anything. And my dad was everything. 

 What I mean by that was dad worked at many jobs, had many skills and abilities. He was a carpenter, plumber, electrician, mechanic and waterman. He could weld, braze, solder and knew how to fly an airplane. He could drive any vehicle with wheels and had the license to do so. One thing he never had though was a career. I guess you could say I have had that as I retired from the Navy, although I don't think of that as a career. That was simply something I did, for twenty years. I've done lots of things before and after that. 

 So now that I'm grown up, what am I? Am I what I wanted to be? Yes, I guess I am as I don't want to be anyone else. I wouldn't mind being a rich me, that would be alright, I guess. If I didn't like that I could just give the money away and I'd still be me. Some may say I'm nothing. Well, that could be true. I've never wanted to be anything in particular. A jack of all trades and master at none as the saying goes. That's what I am. That's what dad was too. Hmm, it's a different view alright.