in a name

 What's in a name? It's a question I have explored before and one that continues to occupy my thoughts. Perhaps international pronoun day made those thoughts resurface. When I was a child, I would get upset when someone used the wrong pronoun to describe me. That was because it was wrong however, not because I wanted the other person to validate my fantasy. But I guess that is progress. We now have a day devoted to perpetuating delusional thinking. But, I get it. Belief is a stubborn thing. The only issue being when belief becomes delusion. That's what we call mental illness. Well, until we progressively change that standard and say it isn't. When you are no longer allowed to exert judgement, or common sense, that's what happens.

 I've wandered off a bit from my original thought. What's in a name? I think from childhood we assign certain qualities to a name. Now I was named after my father and was called little Ben. I didn't particularly like that, being little I mean. I was the youngest of four. Both of my older brothers were bigger, stronger and more athletic than I was. I was little. When buying clothes Mom always bought the "slim" fit. Slim is code for skinny, that 98 lb. weakling portrayed on the back of comic books. I didn't hit one hundred pounds until about the ninth grade.

 I did want to be Ben though. It is what I believed I was supposed to become. I wouldn't call it hero worship, but I surely admired the skills my father possessed. A man that was a jack of all trades, respected in the community for his skills, if not for his opinions. Growing up I heard tales of his youth from his contemporaries. Yes, Ben was quite the man. He even had a cool nickname, swivel hips, for his dancing skills. I never heard anyone call him that to his face though I'm guessing that name had been retired years ago. The only time I saw him dance was at my sister's wedding. I saw why he had that name. So, I went off into the world to become Ben, leaving little Ben at home.

 I have used the name Ben since 1971. That's the year I joined the Navy. When asked I always say my name is Ben. Truth is that my name is Austin. Yup, Austin Bennett Reichart, Jr. I have done some researching about all of that dad didn't talk about it at all. Turns out the name Austin Bennett was the name of my grandfather's best friend. Grandfather Elwood just added the Reichart to it! I have a picture of this man Austin Bennett too. Exactly why he was always called ben isn't as clear. Austin Bennett was also called ben, perhaps an abbreviation of his last name? Does any of that make a difference? No, I don't think it does. It is something I have thought about. What if I had been called Austin? Would I be a different person? Maybe, maybe not. I think it boils down to this. Would I have tried to be Ben, or would I have tried to become Austin? Who is Austin? 

 That is what is in a name. Is it what they mean when they say making a name for yourself? In some ways I would have to say that is the truth. I tried for many years to become my father. He was the model for my behaviors. Those behaviors were both good and bad, although I didn't see the bad for quite a while. I've always justified his bad actions just as I have done with my own. It's a natural response we all have if we care to admit to it. I'm aware that I was raised to be Ben. We all want our children to be like us, only better. The only difficult part being admitting to it when they are better. So, I have indeed become Ben. Am I better? I can't answer that. I'm Ben. 

 Now Austin may have something to say about all of that. But Ben usually tells him to be quiet. It's difficult enough to talk to yourself, you don't need someone else interfering. Ben is the dominant personality. I'm aware of that, have always been aware of that, and there isn't anything I can do about that either. What's in a name? What you want to be is the short answer. What you are may be something else. The name isn't that important, the content is. It's rather a strange thing really. Your name is a proper noun. A proper noun is a name given to something. It is always capitalized. It doesn't mean that is what something is, just that is what we call it. Call me Ben. 

 Now pronouns take the place of the person's name. So instead of saying Ben you might say he or him. Really doesn't have much to do with gender identification. If I have never seen you in a manner where there is no doubt about your gender, and you say your name is Sue, I will refer to you as she. I may express some doubts to others, however. That goes back to the schoolyard where we had a habit of just telling the truth or telling a lie to hurt someone else. Yes, back in my youth lies were told to hurt or offend. Today it seems like that has reversed. Now the truth offends and lies are validated. Nouns and pronouns are something I haven't paid much attention too since ninth grade English. Man, I hope we don't start in with verbs and adverbs! That could change everything.