Sunday, January 20, 2019

A sign

 Yesterday I heard my fathers voice. I really did, although the last words I spoke with him where in 1990, just before his passing. Now I know I have, and I believe we all have, heard the voices of those we loved in our minds from time to time. They are gone, but not forgotten and a piece of them lives within us. But what I heard yesterday was a bit different. You see, I had ordered a new computer desk, I returned the last one but that's another story. Well the new desk arrived and was left by the Fed-Ex man at the base of my stairs. Two large cartons one weighing 84 lbs. and the other 124. Just large carboard cartons with no real way of holding onto them. I don't own a hand truck and there was no one else around. So, being the stubborn, impatient person that I can be I just started bringing those boxes up the staircase. It's seventeen steps. I had gotten about half way up when I stopped to rest a moment. My wife is concerned about me getting hurt and adding her comments and suggestions. It was then my father spoke, " just let me catch my wind. " The words came out of my mouth without thought. That is what he said, an expression I heard him say so many times growing up and an expression I hadn't heard since 1990. To add to that I only realized it shortly before falling asleep for the night. It was a sort of delayed message. Maybe there is some metaphysical explanation for all of that, but I don't place much stock in any of that stuff.
 I suppose you could say it was just a Freudian slip. I had heard my father use that expression many times and just repeated what I had heard. That explanation seems plausible enough but why I haven't done so in the last 29 years? I use his expressions a great deal as I always found them amusing and, shall we say, descriptive. But, let me catch my wind, isn't one of them. Dad had COPD and emphysema. He never said, let me catch my breath, it was always wind. I have heard others say I'm winded, or the horse was winded, expressions like that, but Dad was the only one I ever heard say, catch my wind. Perhaps it is nothing more than an outdated figure of speech. A relic of speech from the past. Perhaps it was a part of the local vernacular or dialect. Whatever or wherever that came from it lives inside me now. It's hard to explain this feeling I have. At first I wondered, what does this mean? I am officially that old now? I'm as old as my father? I have become my father? But Dad was 66 when he passed and I'm only 65. Was that voice an omen? Nah, I don't believe in omens much and premonitions I'm undecided upon. But I heard his voice, clear as a bell on a crisp winter morning. I'll take that as a gift.
 My sister went to join my father just a while back. She passed away on December the fourth of last year. Could it be that she has been chatting it up with him? Maybe it was she that caused me to utter that phrase. But, it was Dad speaking , no doubt about that. Maybe that was a sign from her. My sister always was a little timid, a bit shy. It wasn't her way to directly confront anyone. And so that makes me wonder, if that is so, what is the message she is trying to send. " Let me catch my wind " What is she trying to say? Is it to rest, take a deep breath and continue on? That would seem the obvious answer. It could be it means much more than that. The message could be far more important. Not just a simple message of encouragement, but advice as well.
 I was carrying a new desk at the time. My sister always encouraged my writing. She was one of my greatest supporters. She was that way when we were children playing games together. She always made me feel like I was important and smart. Yes, she was a terrific sister, supportive and understanding. Was this a way for her to tell to me concentrate more on that book I constantly talk about? Was she telling me, catch your wind, and begin? That's a possibility and she got Dad to tell me. Just like when we were kids in a way. Sometimes I thought she was mean when she told Dad stuff about me, but she really had my best interest at heart. I'll have to think more about all of this. Maybe I'm just looking for a sign and fabricating this whole scenario. But, those words did come out of my mouth clear as anything. They did give me a start! Ah, the world is a strange place isn't it? So much we don't know about. Well, today I will continue assembling my new desk. I'll give this some more thought later on.         

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