Contrition

  As I grow older I do tend to look back a great deal. Well, I guess that makes sense as looking ahead is a rather limited thing. I'm not certain I even want to take a guess anymore. I find comfort in remembering how things used to be. They were just as I remember them, regardless of what anyone else has to say about that. That is the certainty of memory. If you get Alzheimer's and lose your memory I don't think you will know that, you will have forgotten. Those around you most certainly will know and that will cause them much anguish. I don't like to think about that, but I don't worry about losing my memory because of that. 

 I used to attend church on a regular basis. That changed after I joined the Navy and moved away from home. The truth is it most likely would have changed, even if I stayed at home, but it is a good excuse. I didn't attend real regular as a senior in high school, just an occasional visit to repent a bit. I'm not a catholic so no need to confess to anyone but myself and the lord. It's between him and I. And yes, God is a guy. Over the years I have attended a few services here and there when the occasion dictated that. Weddings, funerals, the grandkids in holiday pageant and the like. I even went looking a few times for a church to attend. As with most everything else I wrote about that and haven't found one yet. Truth is, I haven't been looking all that much.

 From my limited interaction with the church today I have drawn some conclusions. It isn't the same as when I was young. Today it appears to be more about praise and celebration, than about instruction and supplication. As I remember church you went there to ask for forgiveness for your transgressions. It was a forgone conclusion that you had done something wrong, something that required forgiveness. Not one of us is without sin! That point was stressed a great deal. The minister administered to his flock. That meant he was there to help. That was accomplished by pointing out your flaws and weaknesses to you and giving you instructions on how to improve! Beg for forgiveness and try to do better! 

 Excessive praise was considered pandering in my church experience. That's the way I saw it anyway, I can't speak for others. It came across to me as others trying to convince me of their piety. A public proclamation. In my view totally unnecessary as only God can give you that forgiveness, it's a personal thing. As far as celebrating you shouldn't celebrate before the victory. The only way I'll know I was "victorious" is when I enter those pearly gates, then I'll be celebrating. There is a fine line between praise and piety. I question myself about being pious. Silently pious is the same as openly pious. 

  What I see today makes me think the service is more for entertainment. There are churches today that have stages instead of altars. There are bands instead of organs. Far more standing up, singing, arms waving in a show of fervored praise than any displays of humility. Church services weren't entertainment as I remember them. I often left them feeling a bit contrite and taking a silent vow to do better. That feeling lasted a little while after the service. Yes, guilt was that feeling. Does anyone leave church feeling guilty today? I don't think so as I hear all the talk of being "lifted up" and self assured in your faith. I guess the phrase today is empowered. After leaving church I never felt empowered, confident that I would receive that reward. 

  Judgment had yet to be rendered. The judge is adjudicating. Adjudication is the legal process for settling disputes between parties. In church I was taught the law. The issue was in following those laws. I know, and the judge knows, I broke a few of them along the way. So standing there before the judge can we settle our dispute? I don't think you get to negotiate with the judge. You are completely dependent upon the mercy of the court. In this case that court is just the judge, no jury of your peers, no defense team, and due process, well, he's the judge and will decide that as well! I think it will be rather like standing before your parents. You really don't get to say much besides, I'm sorry, I promise to do better. Contrition is your recourse. 

 Thinking about all of that maybe that is the reason things are the way they are today. There has been far too many people that have never experienced that feeling. Too many people that were "empowered" instead of disciplined. Too many people feeling just a bit too confident, a bit too self assured in their righteousness. Well, the judge will decide on that. I suppose if you truly believe this is it, this is all there is to life, it doesn't make any difference. I don't believe that, although I'm not certain exactly what to expect after my body shuts down, what happens to that energy? It can neither be created nor destroyed, trust the science on that one. So, it has to go somewhere, in some form. My guess is that is what the judge will decide. Can I influence that decision? Yeah, I think I can but it has to be done beforehand, once you are in the courtroom it is too late. You are back to contrition as your only means of defense. 

                                                                                 

                                                               But I said I was sorry.