The need to know

  After writing yesterdays posting I thought about starting a new project. It wouldn't be an autobiography, nothing that ambitious, but rather the telling of secrets. My working title is, "after I'm gone." That would be because I wouldn't want any of that to be read, to be available to anyone, until after I am gone. I'm thinking of a sort of time capsule thing, only digital in nature. I wonder how many months, or years, would be the appropriate amount of time before they were released. I see it more as a Paul Harvey piece, the rest of the story. Its' purpose being to provide an explanation. Perhaps after reading it some would go, so that's why. Trying to make sense out of life isn't an easy task, even when it isn't your own. 

  I have started writing a book, a memoir or whatever you would call that, several times. The results have always been less than satisfactory. I once shared a small snippet of what I had written and it wasn't received well. I get it, it just isn't very entertaining. My intent in writing isn't to entertain, but to explain. Textbooks are rarely read for enjoyment. We read text to learn the lesson presented, or at the very least, the ability to repeat what was written. Many receive degrees for doing just that, even advanced degrees. They haven't learned a thing, just repeated the lesson. Whatever I write will not carry the weight of celebrity or scholarship. It's my feeling they are requirements for a book basically concerned with philosophy. I have come to understand that is what I'm really writing. Very weighty stuff from just a high school graduate from small town America. 

  My family not being wealthy or influential I have zero recognition. As it turns out that is what is required, brand recognition. It's the only way the product gets sold. Well, more properly it is the only way the products gets "bought." If I want you to buy what I'm selling, I have to provide you with entertainment of some type. Brand loyalty is little different from a cult. In this new digital age we may go viral. When that happens you gain "followers." A viral infection? A following? It sure resembles a cult to me. That is way too much responsibility for me to handle. I'm willing to try if I have a few million dollars to help me along. I believe I could dodge the pitfalls of extreme wealth and remain grounded. 

  Getting back to what I  was thinking about, sharing the back story after I'm gone, I'm certain that would be more entertaining. We do like to read about the failures, the mistakes, the silly things and situation others get themselves into. It makes us all feel just a little better about ourselves. Now that we have decided to remove judgement we have adopted the "me too" attitude. In that way you don't have to feel bad about any of those foolish mistakes you may have made, you can simply say, me too. Join the club as we used to say back in the day. 

  Today we brag about our failures and shortcomings, proclaiming ourselves as survivors and hero's. I'm thinking those are the things I would share, "after I'm gone" as I don't want to embarrass myself while I'm living. I certainly don't feel like they are anything to brag about, I've often gone to great lengths to not have others find out about that stuff. What was I thinking? I wasn't, and that is the problem. Philosophy involves reason and at times I certainly acted in an unreasonable fashion. 

  My real trepidation about writing all that and having it read by others is the possibility of it hurting others feelings. To be more specific, family or friends. The truth can hurt. It may also change the opinion others have formed about me. That's why I wonder how long it should be before all of that would be available. How many generations removed from yourself? My thought is it would have to been when there is no one left that knew you personally while you were alive. When I first began writing these posts one of my thoughts was to tell the whole story. We are the only one that can do that with 100% accuracy. It does require courage to do that. It's also true that fools rush in where wise men fear to tread. 

  I'm well aware that I am of little to no consequence in the big scheme of things. My name won't be found in any history of the world being told. I'll just be another name among billions of names. I'm just fine with that, it is what it is. I confess I do hope my descendants will remember and repeat my name. Maybe even have a photograph of me on their wall. They are the ones I hope will want to read what I have written. Entertainment provided to satisfy a curiosity. At what point can a curiosity be satisfied without judgement?  

  I'm thinking that point will never be fully realized. Consider what is happening today with many historical figures. They enjoyed great admiration and respect for many generations. Today, many of those people are now being exposed as bigots, slave owners, and just terrible people. Their statues are being torn down and replaced, in some cases, by criminals now viewed as hero's. History will judge. No one is above that judgement! Even our Gods have been, and continue to be judged. Judgment is the discernment of truth.  Moral truth is established by society, not by textbooks, scientific methods or degrees. 

  If I am to write that memoir I am obligated to tell the truth. It is a moral obligation. Religion , we are told, is the vehicle to a moral life. We need to follow and practice the tenets of the religion. In that way we will please our God and be granted the reward. It is not so important what that reward is, as it is in obtaining the reward itself. That's the goal. Obedience to a moral standard. How is that standard established? It is established on an individual basis. Yes, there are social pressures associated with all of that, indeed there are civil pressures as well, that is what laws are all about. The choice to adhere to the moral choice is an individual choice. 

  It is an internal struggle. Do I really have the strength, the moral standard to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Isn't that the standard? It is, still I'm concerned about others reading it and that causes me some self reflection. Does everyone need to know? We all certainly feel like we do, that can't be denied. How can we make a fair judgment without all the facts? The thing is, in this case, do I want to be judged fairly? Do I want to be judged at all? Well that depends doesn't it? Judgment is a bad thing when it goes against your wishes but celebrated when it goes your way. I have thought this; there are things best left between you and your God. That's true even when that God is simply your own conscience. 

  Conscience is the establishment of a moral standard. That is the reward of a moral life. It is only realized after our death. Can you live with your conscience, for an eternity? Something to think about isn't it. We don't get a participation trophy for just being here, that's my thought.